promises....

[RakshaMalayka]

I always try not to make promises I know I can't keep, and I always try telling the truth. But lately I keep finding myself breaking them more and more....
I've slipped up several times and I kind of can't tell anyone since they think I've been clean for far longer than I have been. I'm only 3 days clean at that, with them believing its been over a month. If my councilor finds out she's going to suggest me being admitted since she's already decided I'm such a high risk to myself. Last time I slipped and my mom found out she told her and my councilor made a huge deal out of The 2 cuts. This time its 64.... I just can't stand the disappointment in everyone's eyes when they find out but I can't stand to keep lying to them.... "How long has it been?" "I've lost track" its terrible for me.. I just don't know what to do anymore and its so hard to stop. I feel like I keep disappointing everyone, I keep hurting one of my best friends, my other friend is dying and basically speeding up the process, I know my boyfriend could do a hundred times better than me, my family keeps laying everything on me on top of reminding me how messed up I am by placing suicide magnets and pamphlets everywhere.... I'm just losing it and my poetry is showing how I feel like I'm losing this fight

[suicidalbutter]

dear, stop thinking such things. You aren't a disappointment. You are just struggling to conform to what everyone else wants. I have struggled for years to do this. Lying and breaking promises. The whole works. It's normal to relapse from time to time. self harm is like any other kind of addiction, it's hard to stop once you're so used to doing it.

I don't know what you mean by "losing the fight" but please try to think of it like this: you can always lose a battle or two, but never forfeit the war. (my motto for life)

[conniption]

You're not a disappointment, your parents sound very supportive and put a lot of pressure on you because they really want to help you. If, however, you feel like it's too much you should talk to your parents, friends, or counselor instead of taking it out on yourself.

[1_21Guns]

Slow down, you'll rush yourself into a panic and self harm more, you're pressuring yourself too much, and you're not losing this fight, just because you're losing a few battles it doesn't mean you're going to lose the war.
Your family are just trying to help, I know it seems like they're going way over the top but they just want you to get better, however recovery as you're finding out is an incredibly long, difficult and exhausting process but y'know what? It's worth it. One day you'll look back and be able to think yeah I got through that, I am strong.
Ignore others disappointment if it's having a negative impact on you, don't fight for anyone else, fight for your future, fight for your recovery and you will get there, it's hard for people who haven't been there to understand all the tumbles and falls during recovery, but they're perfectly normal and sometimes necessary to get on the right track, keep going, you can do this, you're not a disappointment :hug3:

[RakshaMalayka]

Thank you and I guess you guys are right, maybe I am being a bit too hard on myself trying to please everyone else when I should be doing this for myself. Its a long rough journey for recovery and I will have my slip ups on the way but that is with any addiction and I only lose if I give up, even if it feels like I keep disappointing everyone I'm still fighting so I have that much

[1_21Guns]

Thank you and I guess you guys are right, maybe I am being a bit too hard on myself trying to please everyone else when I should be doing this for myself. Its a long rough journey for recovery and I will have my slip ups on the way but that is with any addiction and I only lose if I give up, even if it feels like I keep disappointing everyone I'm still fighting so I have that much

That's right, just keep fighting and never give up because you can win :)