Unremarkable and numb.

[Magenta]

I'm beginning to think it's pathetic how many threads I've posted in the psych ward section of this website in three years. Like I somehow can't get any relief or I'm in constant need of reassurance. I'm a weak person.

Anyway, does anyone else just feel... numb? And maybe not the same way as I do but... just close? These days my dissociative episodes have been coming back. I just feel like I'm walking through a dream even though everyone says I'm awake. Like nothing is real, like I'm not real. And rather than being upset or afraid, I'm simply numb. I'm numb to the fact I'm watching this chronically depressed, mentally ill girl walk through my life. And she's so unremarkable. I'm not particularly ugly but I'm also not pretty. I'm not exactly talentless but I'm not good at anything specific. I lack any hint of purpose in my life and I can't even just let myself be used because I'm of no use to anyone. I feel like I'm dead inside already but I still have this entire future that's just... there and I'm just going to have to watch myself walk through it like a ghost. I don't know what recovery is. I'm not at my worst yet I'm not even close to being better. I've just sort of shut down. This girl (that odd, disconnected version of me) I feel like I'm watching go through the motions everyday has such great friends but I'm not deserving of them. I can't burden them anymore. I've already stopped living but I haven't ended my life yet. I don't expect anyone can help but I just had to put it out there even if people have stopped replying to my threads at this point. I have no one to listen to me anywhere else.

I don't even think I'm a person anymore.

[uglyinsideandout]

Jo, you are definately a person, a very awesome person. I just wrote you a near hysterical PM. I hope it makes sense to you and fwiw I think you woke up something in me that I didn't know was there. Thank you. :)

[Jessiibear]

I know how you feel. Maybe just try doing something you like. And stick to it. Make yourself a future and work toward it. Get your mind off of those demon shadows and keep your mind occupied. Listen to music you like. Sing. Dance. Roll around. Do jumping-jacks. Talk to someone you trust about anything under the sun. Try not to dwell on the ugly things and just keep breathing. You feel like a piece of air, wasted and drifting elusively. I get it. Just don't think about it. That shit feeling can be comforting, though, if you can relate. But do something. Move around. Yell. Write a song. Do homework. Watch a comedy. Just, for two seconds, realize that--despite what you think with all your heart--you are a living, breathing, invaluable person. Just for a split second, realize and admit it. 'Cause, no matter how much you may disagree, it's true.

And you are definitely not alone. There are people out there (like me) who care and can relate.

[Magenta]

Well, I'd talk to some of my closer friends but I do genuinely believe they've become sick of me. I'm a pretty poisonous friend to have.

But I suppose the summer isn't really helping me because I have little to do. I try to focus on school when it comes around but I crash and burn a few months in and just can't do anything. And now my physical health has been shit and sometimes I feel even worse because it's like I'm breaking down and even my body can't deal with me anymore.

Sorry, that's just stupid and doesn't even make sense. I'm not even sure what's going on with me anymore. I thought I had it figured out, that I was just fucked up. And now flopping back and forth between recovery and relapses, I can't tell anymore.

[uglyinsideandout]

You can always talk to me I really want to be there for you the way you were for me. You may be the reason I'm still here at all. And I don't mean posting on this website.