Girls, girls, girls!

[StrawberryCyanide]

Hello again!

SO I'm still in a long-term relationship with my boyfriend, we've just got back from interviews in Brighton and have job offers. So the lights green for moving!

Which is... well not all good.

See, i'm still having the same dilemmas and going over things again and again in my head. Only now I really AM trapped, because we are set to move.

I cannot see how I could bring myself to end our relationship. He's working so hard to get us to Brighton, I can't leave him to rot here by himself working crazy hours for no money, especially not now we've made all these plans to move. We have argued many times as he says he is moving "for me" which doesn't sit well at all. When we first discussed moving to Brighton, he made out that he was extremely keen and very much excited by Brighton, however it seems that's no longer the case it's "all for you" he says.


What's at the forefront of my hesitation to leave, if I end our relationship, I will literally have nowhere to go. I've lived with him for 3 years, i don't have any friends or family to turn to or stay with.

If i continue mulling things over whilst we move, another issue presents itself.

GIRLS.

I've always been more physically and generally attracted to women, but have been heartbroken by them too.

I've never told my boyfriend any of this, he knows i'm openly bi-sexual, what he doesn't know is i've been questioning my sexuality for some time.

I find myself fantasizing about him cheating on me, or doing something equally unacceptable, so I feel i have a legitimate reason to end it. How awful!!

I really feel like a terrible human being. I'm basically pretending I still love him and leading him to believe me.

I want to explore the world without having to consult someone I have very little in common with before doing anything. My life dream of moving to Japan one day is officially dead, because he doesn't like anything about Japan. He doesn't like the way I dress, or the music I listen to. And vice versa!
I want to find myself and be free to discover who I am and who,or rather which sex, I really want to be with. But this is impossible for me to do while i'm in a relationship.
OH MY GOD i'm so exhausted by all this endless rubbish.
I need to stop being such a coward.

So i still don't know what to do. Woe is me! Any advice or just opinions, or anything, would be greatly appreciated :yes:

Rant over, once again, sorry I always end up ranting.

By the way, You are all awesome :) Even though I seldom post, This website has been a saving grace for me. I made my account about 4 years ago and it's the only place I have been honest about my thoughts and feelings and felt safe to vent. Living where I am is like being the only one on a boring as hell desert island. Except it's mostly raining ><
I may not have friends in real life, but you lot are real, and Virtually, you help me out with stuff I need the most helping out with :)

:P

[Magenta]

Well, here's how I'm going to put it: you can either sacrifice your happiness for the security that comes with staying with him and to keep pleasing him or you can put yourself first and get out of a relationship that obviously isn't working. If you're imagining scenarios in which you have a 'legitimate' reason to break up, obviously it's not going well.

But you have a legitimate reason! You're 20, you have all this time to do what you like and not be tied to some man or woman until you want to be. You're living with a guy who doesn't appear to really respect you if you can't follow your dream to visit Japan, wear what you like or listen to what you like. And if you don't like those things about him, maybe it's not meant to be.

No one likes breaking up with someone, but you're older than me so you probably know that. But don't feel like an awful person about it. It may feel like a bad time to end a relationship but look at it this way: moving together is another big step and if you really don't think you love him anymore, maybe it's a good time to measure how far you actually want to go in this relationship. And while it may seem like an inconvenient time, I think it might be better.

I dunno, I really suck at explaining my thoughts on relationships. I just think that maybe you'd be a lot happier if you two at least took a bit of a break. Something like that. Good luck.