Worried about parents finding out

[Kitten_]

I'm very, very worried that my parents have a clue of my self harm. I do it on my thighs and I really just need to get this out.
I wear swimsuits and shorts and whatnot, but it's always so stressful. I've already convinced both my friends and family that I wear shorts over my bikini bottoms for comfort, and I think they believe me. I just wear these black short short things over and it covers my scars, just barely though.
So, on family vacation a few weeks ago we were snorkeling. I was sitting down on a bench and I guess some of my old scars on the way side of my thighs were showing. My brother asked, "why are there scratches on your leg?" My dad quickly said, "those are from her shorts" and I agreed, of course. But it confuses me why he was so quick to answer. He was sitting next to me as well. We are very, very similar and I think he might have an idea...? He sounded kind of defensive when he said it. Thankfully my mom was not there.
Another time was a few days ago. I was wearing short shorts and we were sitting down at a restaurant. I didn't notice but a lot of my scars were showing on one side. Me, my grandma, and my mom were sitting at a square table. My mom sat in front of me, and my grandma sat on the left of me. My cuts were showing to the right of me.
The waitress came over and said, "oh my gosh what happened to your leg?"
I started freaking out and was all, "oh, what? What are you talking about?" and I quickly pulled my shorts down and she was like, "they look like really bad cat scratch-" and I interrupted her and said very very loudly, "OHHHH, yeah, those are from my shorts. My shorts are too tight and they sometimes leave imprints on my leg..." and she kind of looked at me and then we all had this discussion about it. I definitely acted well, but I always talk really fast when I'm scared and I was talking really fast. I was actually shaking as well, I tried to use my phone but my hands were visibly shaking really badly so I had to shove my hands in my lap. And when I tried to talk after the waitress left, my voice was shaking a little.
I'm just so scared that my parents will find out. I kind of needed to share this, no one - not even my psychiatrist - knows about my self harm and I intend to keep it that way. I have one online friend who knows but I hate having to bother her about it, even though she's insanely supportive.
I guess I kind of just want advice (please no advice to stop cutting) and support. I don't have anyone to talk to and it's very, very hard. /:

[xXl0sth0peXx]

Honestly, it sounds like your dad does know. The fact that he came to your defense so quickly does lead me to believe he knows. I think he hasn't said anything because he doesn't know what to say, and how to. Many parents struggle with that, mine included.

The hardest day of my life was when my parents found out. Mine found out because my doctor told them, against my will completely. Having my parents realize at first sucked. So badly. I wished so badly they didn't know, and everything was just weird. Eventually, it was just forgotten about.

I was exactly like you - no one knew. And I didn't know what to do. And having my parents knew shattered my whole secrecy. I really think you should talk to your dad though. I'm not telling you to stop, but I really think he knows, and I think he cares too. He wouldn't just come to your defense so quickly if he didn't know. It's not easy, but It will make your life so much better.. like a weight will be lifted off your shoulder.

I really recommend even if you don't tell your parents, you tell your psychiatrist. I know in the US, once you reach a certain age (I believe it's 14 in my state), you have some authority over your mental health. You can tell a psychiatrist that you self harm and such, and as long as he/she doesn't feel like you're in any danger to kill yourself, they legally can not tell your parents. I really think it will do you so much good to tell somebody. Be it your psychiatrist or your parents or a school counselor.

My PM box is always open if you need someone to talk to. :hug3:

[Kitten_]

Yeah, I think he has an idea... but if anyone had to know or have an idea, I'd like it to be him. He won't tell anyone, or bother me about it. Or MAYBE he did think it was my shorts? Or since they were really old, maybe he thought I had done it way in the past and stopped?
If she asks I might tell her, I don't know. But she already knows that I'm suicidal, obviously knows about my depression social anxiety and generalized anxiety, and that wonderful stuff. She WOULD see it as I'm in danger, I know she would. I had to convince her that I would call the suicide hotline and that I would try to never almost attempt suicide again and she was still shifty about not telling my parents, but she didn't.
I mean, when I self harm I don't feel suicidal anymore. I don't want to stop and I'm afraid that if I told her she'd try to stop me.

But thank you for the offer, I might have to pick you up on that once I can message. (: *Hug*

[xXl0sth0peXx]

Many therapists (I won't say all, because I know that's not true) won't tell parents about self harm. I know by my case, my therapist knew it was how I coped, and it stopped me from killing myself. Of course, at the end of every session, she'd make me promise I wasn't going to do anything.

I don't think your therapist would lock you up, but I don't know her, so I really can't tell you otherwise. I do think she would really like to know, just like your parents. If you keep things from her, you won't get better.

Also, you can always PM a moderator. :) x

[Kitten_]

Oh, you're a moderator! xD

I guess I just want it to be a secret, kind of. I want support but at the same time I want this to be something about me that no one knows. I might consider telling her though, she's a very nice person. I just don't talk about my depression much, it's more about my anxiety.

Thank you so much. (:

[uglyinsideandout]

I think I would ask the therapist first if she has to tell or if she would tell. If she says she won't and you trust her maybe she could be helpful for you. I don't know I never had someone like that to talk to.

And if you have a good relationship with your dad maybe even tell him. I don't know about that either because I have a terrible relation with mine and it's only getting worse. I think it would feel so good to be able to tell a parent and have them be helpful and supportive instead of yelling and being judgemental. But only you can judge how that talk might go.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you can get things figured out.