Obsidian
July 31st, 2013, 02:34 PM
So I just had sex with this random guy I met online. I knew him for a few days off of this dating website or whatever. And we talked about having sex and then hooked up today. And maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, because people hook up with people they don’t know all the time. But this is the fifth time I’ve done it…
The other times I’ve done this I came home and cried for hours because I couldn’t believe that I had done something like that. & I wish that I was feeling that way right now. But now I feel nothing. I feel emotionless. And somehow that’s even worse. It’s like I’ve actually become an object and not a person. I’m just something you screw for an hour or so and then never talk to again. I don’t matter or anything. And I can’t blame anyone for treating me like that. Because that’s what I’m allowing. I hate myself so much that I have lost all of my self-respect. And the worst part is that I don’t care anymore. I’ll probably just end up doing it again.
It feels good for a minute to be wanted. And to not feel like I’m disgustingly unattractive. It feels good to forget how much I hate myself. But then when it’s over and the person barely talks to you the amount of self-loathing you feel is pretty much unbearable. At least that’s how it used to be. This time I didn’t care. It’s like I shut my emotions off. And now I feel like I can’t get them back on.
I daydream all the time about falling in love and being in an awesome relationship. But I know I’ll never find one. Because this is all I’m good for. Screwing and then throwing away. Why would anybody want anything else from someone unattractive and socially awkward and so incredibly stupid?
I just want to cry, or be angry, or feel like the trashy disgusting human being that I am. But I feel nothing. And I can’t take it anymore. I don't know what to do.
The other times I’ve done this I came home and cried for hours because I couldn’t believe that I had done something like that. & I wish that I was feeling that way right now. But now I feel nothing. I feel emotionless. And somehow that’s even worse. It’s like I’ve actually become an object and not a person. I’m just something you screw for an hour or so and then never talk to again. I don’t matter or anything. And I can’t blame anyone for treating me like that. Because that’s what I’m allowing. I hate myself so much that I have lost all of my self-respect. And the worst part is that I don’t care anymore. I’ll probably just end up doing it again.
It feels good for a minute to be wanted. And to not feel like I’m disgustingly unattractive. It feels good to forget how much I hate myself. But then when it’s over and the person barely talks to you the amount of self-loathing you feel is pretty much unbearable. At least that’s how it used to be. This time I didn’t care. It’s like I shut my emotions off. And now I feel like I can’t get them back on.
I daydream all the time about falling in love and being in an awesome relationship. But I know I’ll never find one. Because this is all I’m good for. Screwing and then throwing away. Why would anybody want anything else from someone unattractive and socially awkward and so incredibly stupid?
I just want to cry, or be angry, or feel like the trashy disgusting human being that I am. But I feel nothing. And I can’t take it anymore. I don't know what to do.