MoveAlong
January 11th, 2008, 08:25 PM
being gay is sometimes really scary. You see us having fun saying "hey fag wats up girlfriend", and like "omg, no way", or making all these jokes or glorifying being gay so much and being proud, but sometimes it's so scary.
Your sexuality, such as your sexual preference, or maybe fetishes, or tastes, whatever, it's all very personal to you. When you're a teen, there is no doubt that you are defining your sexuality, like learning masturbation, or developing sex hormones. And developing sexually is wired into us biologically, so there is no way that you can say that you aren't exploring and developing your sexuality when you're a teen. Everybody in the puberty forum knows that.
And being gay is not mainstream, not constantly talked about in a realistic way, so it's primarily unusual, so it's not widly accepted or understood. Even for people who were never raised and taught that homosexuality is bad, the word "gay" is used in such a negative form that it frightens someone, or at least me, when I didn't know my sexuality but I was asked if I was gay.
It's just a scary thing. When you finally accept it, you need to do it out loud. I did that myself. That was the first day that I truely understood and accepted my sexuality. I looked in the mirror and said that I am gay. It's like telling someone you love them. You have got to say it. You may know it, but this world is all about communication.
I was so scared. I've told my mom by now, but now I'm just about to go into the high school. Even in junior high, so many people mistunderstand being gay. Some say "well I have no problem with gay people", but then they say that they would kill themselves if they were gay. I literally asked two people at two different times why they would do that. And they didn't have an answer.
Even just being a guy and going in the lockeroom. I'm in weight training, I love lifting, and it's fun to play football and basketball on our off days. I'm not friends with any of the guys, probably because of certain situations that don't have anything to do with my fagdom, but if I were to tell them that, I would be so incredibly oppressed. I'm in that class because I care about my body and I want to tone up, and grow, and gain muscle, and improve on my technique. But if I were to come out, I don't know what would happen, but I might literally get beaten or at least hit and people would scoot away from me in the lockerroom.
I know a lot of people in the school. I don't know how I know them, but I do. What if I were to come out to everyone? I'd lose most of those people. They would drift away, and a lot of my friends are girls because they like me, they would drift away just because I like guys. Sure, some would be closer, but the magnitude of the people who would leave me is massive. Not only that, but people wouldn't want to listen to me. They would probably talk over me or bash me, even if with words.
It's scary being in junior high and going on to high school in the closet. Because you are defining yourself as a teen. And if you can't be open about that, you feel trapped. You do things and say things that you wouldn't normally do. You change as a person. And how do I know this? It's happened. I try to keep those values going, but sometimes it's just too risky.
I'm not saying that everybody's going to hate me or that I will definately get hurt...I'm not being dramatic. But the face value thing is that...you are becoming your own person, constantly learning and becoming more independent, and defining yourself. And when you can't voice that, when you can't express that and when you can't show your own uniqueness, it puts a knot in your stomach.
I still live a good life. My mom loves me, I get good grades, I'm learning sports (cause I never learned because I didn't have a father, and I was never exposed to it), I'm learning values and paying attention and growing and dreaming and wishing and hoping and soaking up all this drama of being in school and living it. I actually appreciate being inside the closet. I like this because I get to experience it. I have this to think about and learn from, as if I was straight. It's a point of view that I can stand it and see. It's amazing.
I'm very proud of being a fag though. I like it. But, I don't want to be that stereotype, being interested in decorating, and fashion, and singing, and dancing, etc...see I had a lot of problems when I was really young, like 5. I was always upset and angry. I was obsessive, hyperactive, and just so unhappy from kindergarden to the 7th grade. I didn't have a male role model at all. Nobody. I could never join a team or get into performing or sports because I was so messed up. I went to a mental hospital at like 7 or 8, and I started pulling my hair out (a form of self harm). I took heavy meds. I don't blame any on my mom, because she's the one who got me off them. But I feel like I never had a childhood. I had toys, but did I never ever had any friends. From 4th grade to 7th grade, those 4 years, I was homeschooled. I went to a program for 2 days out of a week for 3 hours. But I never had anything to learn. I explored things like rocks and minerals because I was interested and my mom taught me about them. But really, math, English, social studies...I had none of that until 8th grade, when I jumped in junior high.
The reason that I don't know how to play flag football or that I'm not comfortable around guys is because I didn't have a father for the most important time of my life, and I wasn't at a school were I could have friends. These last two years, 8th and now 9th, I've grown so much. I've developed a passion for music and writing music. I've gotten into sports, and I suck, but it's so much fun. I went to my first football game and it was awesome. I've grown so much and I'm just so happy. I'm so happy were I am now, at a school were I have friends, I'm interested in school, I have fun...
See, at first, when I realised that I was gay at 12, I was girly, I acted girly, I was thinking about dancing and shit...and now I'm so uneducated about all that stuff that guys like. So I'm trying to get out of that stereotype. I don't need to act like myself. I don'tk now who I am. I need to find myself.
I wrote this post because I saw a queer drama (queer as folk) episode where this building that hosted a party to abolish this proposition to prevent gays from being married was held. It was doing great, that woman who sings "girls just want to have fun" was performing...but then a bomb exploded. dozens of people died and others were scratched up or seroiusly hurt, such as one of the main characters. And for a moment, out of all this teenage drama, this pride in being gay, all this stuff...I think for one moment...oh my fucking god. I'm so scared. I'm scared to be out. I thought that I could go out in the world and be the loudest faggot ever. But...why would people hurt someone? Why would try to kill people rather than caring for them, like christian values teach. That's it. Why would christians kill?
Another, different episode, there's this gay guy going to his prom. He's dancing with the guy he likes, and then leaves for the parking lot, until a jock busts his head open with a club. He's left brain damaged, and his arm jerks and he can't control his reflexes or muscles that easily anymore. And the thing is, he's an artist. he's a painter, a drawer...but, I'm an artist too. I'm a musician. I'm just coming up on high school, I'm gay, and I play an instrument. I love music more than anything in this world, dude. And if that were to happen to me...I'd...if I couldn't hold up my arm and play my violin or whatever instrument, then...that's no words to describe taking something someone loves away.
I know, it's a tv show, so it's dramatic, but things like this are thretened, and the gay community is definately oppressed. There are hate crimes still going on, if not in the press, in alleys or back yards or streets were high school students are beaten up. I've heard stories online from this site about this several times, and I think I've heard about it from kids at my school.
Any people who are oppressed are proud people. They know that no matter what is widly accepted, they accept themselves and each other. That's how the gay community is. I'm gay, and I'm so proud of it. I wouldn't change whether I like guys or not. But when you think realistically, what might happen, it's intimidating.
I have no regrets :) and yea this post was just to get my mind off things
Your sexuality, such as your sexual preference, or maybe fetishes, or tastes, whatever, it's all very personal to you. When you're a teen, there is no doubt that you are defining your sexuality, like learning masturbation, or developing sex hormones. And developing sexually is wired into us biologically, so there is no way that you can say that you aren't exploring and developing your sexuality when you're a teen. Everybody in the puberty forum knows that.
And being gay is not mainstream, not constantly talked about in a realistic way, so it's primarily unusual, so it's not widly accepted or understood. Even for people who were never raised and taught that homosexuality is bad, the word "gay" is used in such a negative form that it frightens someone, or at least me, when I didn't know my sexuality but I was asked if I was gay.
It's just a scary thing. When you finally accept it, you need to do it out loud. I did that myself. That was the first day that I truely understood and accepted my sexuality. I looked in the mirror and said that I am gay. It's like telling someone you love them. You have got to say it. You may know it, but this world is all about communication.
I was so scared. I've told my mom by now, but now I'm just about to go into the high school. Even in junior high, so many people mistunderstand being gay. Some say "well I have no problem with gay people", but then they say that they would kill themselves if they were gay. I literally asked two people at two different times why they would do that. And they didn't have an answer.
Even just being a guy and going in the lockeroom. I'm in weight training, I love lifting, and it's fun to play football and basketball on our off days. I'm not friends with any of the guys, probably because of certain situations that don't have anything to do with my fagdom, but if I were to tell them that, I would be so incredibly oppressed. I'm in that class because I care about my body and I want to tone up, and grow, and gain muscle, and improve on my technique. But if I were to come out, I don't know what would happen, but I might literally get beaten or at least hit and people would scoot away from me in the lockerroom.
I know a lot of people in the school. I don't know how I know them, but I do. What if I were to come out to everyone? I'd lose most of those people. They would drift away, and a lot of my friends are girls because they like me, they would drift away just because I like guys. Sure, some would be closer, but the magnitude of the people who would leave me is massive. Not only that, but people wouldn't want to listen to me. They would probably talk over me or bash me, even if with words.
It's scary being in junior high and going on to high school in the closet. Because you are defining yourself as a teen. And if you can't be open about that, you feel trapped. You do things and say things that you wouldn't normally do. You change as a person. And how do I know this? It's happened. I try to keep those values going, but sometimes it's just too risky.
I'm not saying that everybody's going to hate me or that I will definately get hurt...I'm not being dramatic. But the face value thing is that...you are becoming your own person, constantly learning and becoming more independent, and defining yourself. And when you can't voice that, when you can't express that and when you can't show your own uniqueness, it puts a knot in your stomach.
I still live a good life. My mom loves me, I get good grades, I'm learning sports (cause I never learned because I didn't have a father, and I was never exposed to it), I'm learning values and paying attention and growing and dreaming and wishing and hoping and soaking up all this drama of being in school and living it. I actually appreciate being inside the closet. I like this because I get to experience it. I have this to think about and learn from, as if I was straight. It's a point of view that I can stand it and see. It's amazing.
I'm very proud of being a fag though. I like it. But, I don't want to be that stereotype, being interested in decorating, and fashion, and singing, and dancing, etc...see I had a lot of problems when I was really young, like 5. I was always upset and angry. I was obsessive, hyperactive, and just so unhappy from kindergarden to the 7th grade. I didn't have a male role model at all. Nobody. I could never join a team or get into performing or sports because I was so messed up. I went to a mental hospital at like 7 or 8, and I started pulling my hair out (a form of self harm). I took heavy meds. I don't blame any on my mom, because she's the one who got me off them. But I feel like I never had a childhood. I had toys, but did I never ever had any friends. From 4th grade to 7th grade, those 4 years, I was homeschooled. I went to a program for 2 days out of a week for 3 hours. But I never had anything to learn. I explored things like rocks and minerals because I was interested and my mom taught me about them. But really, math, English, social studies...I had none of that until 8th grade, when I jumped in junior high.
The reason that I don't know how to play flag football or that I'm not comfortable around guys is because I didn't have a father for the most important time of my life, and I wasn't at a school were I could have friends. These last two years, 8th and now 9th, I've grown so much. I've developed a passion for music and writing music. I've gotten into sports, and I suck, but it's so much fun. I went to my first football game and it was awesome. I've grown so much and I'm just so happy. I'm so happy were I am now, at a school were I have friends, I'm interested in school, I have fun...
See, at first, when I realised that I was gay at 12, I was girly, I acted girly, I was thinking about dancing and shit...and now I'm so uneducated about all that stuff that guys like. So I'm trying to get out of that stereotype. I don't need to act like myself. I don'tk now who I am. I need to find myself.
I wrote this post because I saw a queer drama (queer as folk) episode where this building that hosted a party to abolish this proposition to prevent gays from being married was held. It was doing great, that woman who sings "girls just want to have fun" was performing...but then a bomb exploded. dozens of people died and others were scratched up or seroiusly hurt, such as one of the main characters. And for a moment, out of all this teenage drama, this pride in being gay, all this stuff...I think for one moment...oh my fucking god. I'm so scared. I'm scared to be out. I thought that I could go out in the world and be the loudest faggot ever. But...why would people hurt someone? Why would try to kill people rather than caring for them, like christian values teach. That's it. Why would christians kill?
Another, different episode, there's this gay guy going to his prom. He's dancing with the guy he likes, and then leaves for the parking lot, until a jock busts his head open with a club. He's left brain damaged, and his arm jerks and he can't control his reflexes or muscles that easily anymore. And the thing is, he's an artist. he's a painter, a drawer...but, I'm an artist too. I'm a musician. I'm just coming up on high school, I'm gay, and I play an instrument. I love music more than anything in this world, dude. And if that were to happen to me...I'd...if I couldn't hold up my arm and play my violin or whatever instrument, then...that's no words to describe taking something someone loves away.
I know, it's a tv show, so it's dramatic, but things like this are thretened, and the gay community is definately oppressed. There are hate crimes still going on, if not in the press, in alleys or back yards or streets were high school students are beaten up. I've heard stories online from this site about this several times, and I think I've heard about it from kids at my school.
Any people who are oppressed are proud people. They know that no matter what is widly accepted, they accept themselves and each other. That's how the gay community is. I'm gay, and I'm so proud of it. I wouldn't change whether I like guys or not. But when you think realistically, what might happen, it's intimidating.
I have no regrets :) and yea this post was just to get my mind off things