Overreacting?

[LouBerry]

So, my boyfriend is on vacation with his family in Alabama. He called me earlier and he said he was really tired. I laughed and said that I didn't know how he could be 'cause he slept until one, and he told me that he drank some of his dads
'screwdriver' earlier and that it made him sleepy.

Well....I completely flew off the handle. I mean, I really bitched him out about college next year and how he's going to be around that shit all the time and how if he does it then he could end up passed out in a pool of vomit in some random dorm room.

It's just that Seth has never been around that. He wasn't that cool in school, and he never got into all the partying nonsense. I'm really afraid that he's going to make some poor choices next year due to lack of experience. I just I sound way over protective, and maybe I am, but Seth and I aren't just dating, we're really committed to each other. We're going to get married soon.

I absolutely can not stand alcohol. Can. Not. Stand. It. I got into that crap when I was a freshman and I was hanging out with my boyfriends older friends, and it almost made me commit suicide. Plus, my mom got hit and killed by a drunk driver when I was six. And Seth knows how much I despise that stuff. One of the first conversations we had as a couple was about how I would break up with him in a second if he did any sort of drugs or drinking.

So am I overreacting?

[Magenta]

Yes, you were overreacting. For one, screwdrivers aren't always super alcoholic. It depends on personal preference as to how much alcohol is put in (seriously, it's orange juice and vodka). Also, it was his dad's. He was with a parent and had adult supervision. If he doesn't do much drinking, that's a pretty damn safe situation to be drinking in for the first (or second, third, whatever) time.

I understand your views on alcohol. That's fine and it's perfectly legitimate. But you are not in control of your boyfriend's actions. It's not fair to him. He should be allowed to experiment and live his own life as long it's in a responsible manner. And if it's not? Most of us have that one night of way too much alcohol and you learn your lesson. You're his girlfriend, not his mother. You don't need to coddle him or shield him from the world. And what's worse? Knowing your boyfriend is drinking, even if you don't approve, or having the possibility that he decides to do these things without telling you and start keeping secrets. If you're in a committed relationship, you understand that trust is key. You need to trust him. It's a bit of give and take. You don't interfere if he's having a bit of fun that's not completely out of hand and he'll respect your wishes when the situation deems it appropriate (e.g. if you're together and you don't feel comfortable with him drinking around you specifically).

Most people experiment with drinking at some point in their life. And I don't know about you, but (since you said you two plan to get married) if I were in a marriage with someone who expressly forbade me from doing something and threatened to break up with me over it when it's not that bad... that's not exactly a healthy relationship nor a situation I'd want to be in. I'm not saying that you guys don't have a healthy relationship right but flying off the handle over something so little that is not your decision really isn't fair to him.

Alcoholism, fine, that's a reason to worry. Drugs, depending on the person, that's another story. But over some of a parent's drink? Yeah, that's a bit much. Sorry if this came off as harsh; I don't mean it to be. I get your reasoning, but you still overreacted.

[LouBerry]

Well, I guess you'd have to know our relationship. The thing is, I'm not going to be with someone who drinks. And he knows that, and he's cool with it. He doesn't drink, and in high school he made fun of his friends that did. I don't care that his dad let him try his drink, although I believe he had a bit more then he said he did, I know that that is a harmless environment, and I told him that. But, I'm worried about him starting college having never been around friends that drink. I mean, college kids drink. A lot. The school he's going to is baaaaaad about it. And if he goes out and gets drunk and does something stupid, that's not really fair to me is it? Because I don't go out and drink or get high will all my friends, because he would flip shit, so if he does, knowing how I feel about it, I mean, can you kind of see where I'm coming from?

[teen.jpg]

You're overreacting, but only a little. To tell him what to do doesn't make you look that great either, almost like a controlling kind of girlfriend. On the other hand, he should try to respect your wishes, and at least not drink with you around. I think that's fair enough for the both of you.

[Magenta]

Yes, but frankly, you need to be able to talk about it calmly, rather than going off the handle. Because that's not either of your place to do to one another.

If he decides that he wants to drink in college, he's fully within his own right to do so. But you guys need to be able to talk about that and figure it out if or when it comes to that. Getting so upset really solves nothing and it comes off as highly controlling.

I've seen a lot of threads just like this and I always use the same saying I've been told over and over 'cause it always applies. "You can't change others, only yourself." So if he does want to start drinking, it's his choice and you guys need to be able to discuss whether or not it's really such a black and white situation (alcohol vs. relationship) or if there is a way to come to an agreement that doesn't involve someone sacrificing their personal freedoms just to stay with someone. Because that's exactly how your post makes it sound.

[LouBerry]

You're overreacting, but only a little. To tell him what to do doesn't make you look that great either, almost like a controlling kind of girlfriend. On the other hand, he should try to respect your wishes, and at least not drink with you around. I think that's fair enough for the both of you.

I'm really not that controlling. If anything, that would be him lol. And he knows it. I really don't freak out on him like that ever. I don't care what he does and I trust him, so I mean, there is one thing that I ask, No drugs. (Assuming alcohol is a drug). And I probably did overreact a bit, and I apologized and he's just laughing at me about it, I promise I'm not Hitler or anything guys. (:

[Moondust]

So, my boyfriend is on vacation with his family in Alabama. He called me earlier and he said he was really tired. I laughed and said that I didn't know how he could be 'cause he slept until one, and he told me that he drank some of his dads
'screwdriver' earlier and that it made him sleepy.

Well....I completely flew off the handle. I mean, I really bitched him out about college next year and how he's going to be around that shit all the time and how if he does it then he could end up passed out in a pool of vomit in some random dorm room.

It's just that Seth has never been around that. He wasn't that cool in school, and he never got into all the partying nonsense. I'm really afraid that he's going to make some poor choices next year due to lack of experience. I just I sound way over protective, and maybe I am, but Seth and I aren't just dating, we're really committed to each other. We're going to get married soon.

I absolutely can not stand alcohol. Can. Not. Stand. It. I got into that crap when I was a freshman and I was hanging out with my boyfriends older friends, and it almost made me commit suicide. Plus, my mom got hit and killed by a drunk driver when I was six. And Seth knows how much I despise that stuff. One of the first conversations we had as a couple was about how I would break up with him in a second if he did any sort of drugs or drinking.

So am I overreacting?

Absolutely nope. Needless to what the others are saying, you told him that drinking would not be permitted in your relationship, so him drinking is going against that. Go ahead have a serious conversation about it with him, stay calm, but stern. If this upsets you, let him know now and make it known. Better to let him know now than cause damage in the relationship later. You can't control him as a person, but if you plan to spend your life with him it's understandable and reasonable that you set ground rules as to what you will be ok with. If something upsets you, that's just as much his problem as it's yours. If he committed to you, he should respect your boundaries and not overstep the limits you make. You're nit forcing him to wear a certain thing or act a certain way, but making it known that he needs to be serious about your comfort.

[LouBerry]

Absolutely nope. Needless to what the others are saying, you told him that drinking would not be permitted in your relationship, so him drinking is going against that. Go ahead have a serious conversation about it with him, stay calm, but stern. If this upsets you, let him know now and make it known. Better to let him know now than cause damage in the relationship later. You can't control him as a person, but if you plan to spend your life with him it's understandable and reasonable that you set ground rules as to what you will be ok with. If something upsets you, that's just as much his problem as it's yours. If he committed to you, he should respect your boundaries and not overstep the limits you make. You're nit forcing him to wear a certain thing or act a certain way, but making it known that he needs to be serious about your comfort.

I thought so. I mean, there was no need for me to freak out like I did, but it's just something I feel strongly about.

[Troy35216]

I don't care what he does and I trust him
it sounds like you DO care what he does, at least when it comes to drinking.
are you overreacting? idk. it's easy to say that you are, cuz it was just one drink blah blah blah.

but if you told him that if he ever drinks--EVER--then you would break up with him, and if he knew that was the deal, and he not only drank anyway but told you about it, then i guess you weren't overreacting. it seems to me the real problem isn't that he drank but that he either doesn't believe you when you say you will break up with him if he drinks or he doesn't care if you break up with him if he drinks.

So. Did you mean it when you told you would dump him if he ever drank alcohol? cuz if you meant it, he drank alcohol, so what happens now? If you didn't mean it, then now he knows he can drink all he wants and there won't be any consequences. don't make threats if you aren't gonna follow thru on them or your rules and ultimatums have no meaning at all.

[LouBerry]

it sounds like you DO care what he does, at least when it comes to drinking.
are you overreacting? idk. it's easy to say that you are, cuz it was just one drink blah blah blah.

but if you told him that if he ever drinks--EVER--then you would break up with him, and if he knew that was the deal, and he not only drank anyway but told you about it, then i guess you weren't overreacting. it seems to me the real problem isn't that he drank but that he either doesn't believe you when you say you will break up with him if he drinks or he doesn't care if you break up with him if he drinks.

So. Did you mean it when you told you would dump him if he ever drank alcohol? cuz if you meant it, he drank alcohol, so what happens now? If you didn't mean it, then now he knows he can drink all he wants and there won't be any consequences. don't make threats if you aren't gonna follow thru on them or your rules and ultimatums have no meaning at all.

Well, first, yes I mean it, but no not like, If you take a few sips of your dad's drink, you're gone buster. I mean it in a, if you get drunk, or regularly drink, I'm not going to deal with that, so we'll have to break up.

And he definitely cares. We have a very close, very serious relationship. Trust me, he doesn't take our relationship lightly.

[Troy35216]

ok my bad. when you said "One of the first conversations we had as a couple was about how I would break up with him in a second if he did any sort of drugs or drinking." i thot that meant you would break up with in a second if he did any sort of drugs or drinking.

[LouBerry]

ok my bad. when you said "One of the first conversations we had as a couple was about how I would break up with him in a second if he did any sort of drugs or drinking." i thot that meant you would break up with in a second if he did any sort of drugs or drinking.

Nah, it'd kill me to break up with him. He'd have to really deserve it.

[unnamed94]

i think that even if you overreacted or not, you shouldnt try to control what he does. drinking is something (almost) everyone tries at some point in their lives, some people like it and drink it on occasions and theres nothing wrong with it. most people that do drink also end up drinking too much at some point. restricting him from doing so seems way too overprotective. he is clearly not a child anymore and he should be free to drink if he wants to. you could tell him not to drink around you or to control himself when he does drink but in the end, what gives you the right to determine what he can do? (not saying he should go out drinking every night and get drunk) the whole 'ill break up with you if you drink' thing seems way too much for me. sorry if this may sound too harsh or you may feel im just critizing you just because, that wasnt my intention

[LouBerry]

i think that even if you overreacted or not, you shouldnt try to control what he does. drinking is something (almost) everyone tries at some point in their lives, some people like it and drink it on occasions and theres nothing wrong with it. most people that do drink also end up drinking too much at some point. restricting him from doing so seems way too overprotective. he is clearly not a child anymore and he should be free to drink if he wants to. you could tell him not to drink around you or to control himself when he does drink but in the end, what gives you the right to determine what he can do? (not saying he should go out drinking every night and get drunk) the whole 'ill break up with you if you drink' thing seems way too much for me. sorry if this may sound too harsh or you may feel im just critizing you just because, that wasnt my intention

Thing is, that's my future. He's my future. And I deserve better then that. But, it's okay, the issue has been discussed and put to bed, and Seth and I are happy as clams.