Princess Ariel
July 30th, 2013, 08:59 PM
I'm aware that there will me several grammatical errors and spelling errors, just be warned.
*May be triggering"
So, I don't wanna bore you or trigger you, i'll just write the summary and save you the misery of knowing whats going on in my pathetic and worthless life
I'm not the one to take care of myself anymore, at all for that matter. I can feel myself deteriorating, in fact I can see myself deteriorating. My grandfather has stage 4 prostate cancer with a PSA level of 120. Now, I don't know if that's good or not. In a month he dropped from 224 to 120, but in that same month he has lost the ability to walk without a cane. He's 84 and has never needed a cane until three weeks ago, but that only proves how much of a horrible thing cancer is. I have lost 90% of my dad's side of my family because of this horrible disease. After my grandfather dies, I will have no one on my dad's side. When I say no one, I literally mean, no one. Not even a cousin. I don't give my grandfather more than 6 months to live and when he dies. I get to keep the house, but that's a whole other thing.
That house, has so many bad memories. My father dying, my grandmother dying, now my grandfather dying. That house will be nothing but a trigger to me. Not to mention the fact that what would be my bedroom, I can see my old elementary school. That school was nothing but horrible to me and my situation. I was suspended for saying "fuck" but I was freaking 6, I didn't know that word. I was treated horribly by teachers even though the school was well aware of my family life and how I did not have a father since age 5. I was bullied everyday (not getting into it) and caused me to switch schools. Just last year did I finally get comfortable with the area and my room. Now, I have to go back to the house I was in the first place. My mum and I have tried getting out of it and selling the house, but we can't. The only thing we can do to get of that house is to become a landlord. That's too much pressure.. So we're stuck moving in till i'm 25.
I don't have any friends who'd be willing to help pack and bring over to my grandfathers house. I don't have any friends who have a mother or a father that can help with the handyman part of everything. I don't have any friends who will even bother to take a second look when I'm not at school one day, or I get called down to the office and don't come back for my stuff. I don't have any friends who will stick around with me when he dies, they'll all think i'm just exaggerating, or being an emotional teenager. I don't have any friends who give a fuck.
I felt like I was getting better. But it's always false hope with me. I can never get better, i've been stuck in this rut for a long time and I'm never going to be able to get out of it. I've almost beat my eating disorder, great. But everything else only got worse.
I don't understand why everything bad is happening to me and at the same time. I did nothing to deserve this. I'm going out with friends a lot more often, which is great, but i've felt numb for almost a week straight. I don't know what to do and I don't know where my life is going. I'm graduating high school this year, which is great. But everything else in my life is just plain misery.
I've gotten rid of all the toxic people in my life, but it hasn't been proved to been worth it yet. I don't even think it was worth it in the first place. But how am I supposed to know, i'm just a worthless and pathetic asshole with no friends and no possible hope for a bright future because this depression has been around for too long to ever leave. It has become a part of me.
*May be triggering"
So, I don't wanna bore you or trigger you, i'll just write the summary and save you the misery of knowing whats going on in my pathetic and worthless life
I'm not the one to take care of myself anymore, at all for that matter. I can feel myself deteriorating, in fact I can see myself deteriorating. My grandfather has stage 4 prostate cancer with a PSA level of 120. Now, I don't know if that's good or not. In a month he dropped from 224 to 120, but in that same month he has lost the ability to walk without a cane. He's 84 and has never needed a cane until three weeks ago, but that only proves how much of a horrible thing cancer is. I have lost 90% of my dad's side of my family because of this horrible disease. After my grandfather dies, I will have no one on my dad's side. When I say no one, I literally mean, no one. Not even a cousin. I don't give my grandfather more than 6 months to live and when he dies. I get to keep the house, but that's a whole other thing.
That house, has so many bad memories. My father dying, my grandmother dying, now my grandfather dying. That house will be nothing but a trigger to me. Not to mention the fact that what would be my bedroom, I can see my old elementary school. That school was nothing but horrible to me and my situation. I was suspended for saying "fuck" but I was freaking 6, I didn't know that word. I was treated horribly by teachers even though the school was well aware of my family life and how I did not have a father since age 5. I was bullied everyday (not getting into it) and caused me to switch schools. Just last year did I finally get comfortable with the area and my room. Now, I have to go back to the house I was in the first place. My mum and I have tried getting out of it and selling the house, but we can't. The only thing we can do to get of that house is to become a landlord. That's too much pressure.. So we're stuck moving in till i'm 25.
I don't have any friends who'd be willing to help pack and bring over to my grandfathers house. I don't have any friends who have a mother or a father that can help with the handyman part of everything. I don't have any friends who will even bother to take a second look when I'm not at school one day, or I get called down to the office and don't come back for my stuff. I don't have any friends who will stick around with me when he dies, they'll all think i'm just exaggerating, or being an emotional teenager. I don't have any friends who give a fuck.
I felt like I was getting better. But it's always false hope with me. I can never get better, i've been stuck in this rut for a long time and I'm never going to be able to get out of it. I've almost beat my eating disorder, great. But everything else only got worse.
I don't understand why everything bad is happening to me and at the same time. I did nothing to deserve this. I'm going out with friends a lot more often, which is great, but i've felt numb for almost a week straight. I don't know what to do and I don't know where my life is going. I'm graduating high school this year, which is great. But everything else in my life is just plain misery.
I've gotten rid of all the toxic people in my life, but it hasn't been proved to been worth it yet. I don't even think it was worth it in the first place. But how am I supposed to know, i'm just a worthless and pathetic asshole with no friends and no possible hope for a bright future because this depression has been around for too long to ever leave. It has become a part of me.