dont know what to do

[hotrod]

Each day i keep find myself more depressed and more stressed out. Most of it is from small little stuff and i just wish i could walk away from every thing and start over. To make it worse i don’t know why it is so hard for me to get close to some one but if i do it just starts to scare me and i start acting weird. i have gone through abuse physical and verbal but when i think i am past all that and have found ways to deal with it i just prove to myself that i am still the same person. The doctor put me on antidepressants a few years ago but the things they did to me were not worth it. Along with that they just seem to make me have a real short fuse and i would go off for no reason. I know my job is messing with me some what because I am on call 24/7 and I have to get there and have the order out within one hour of getting a call. This all really starts up when I start to get close to some one and I do something which just pushes them away from me and then they just get mad at me. Just like last time I got really close to this girl and she kept having to cancel our plans but for some reason I just blew up on her time after time even though I know she really has to go do something and can’t hang out. I don’t set there blame people for any thing or curse at them I just talk to them and yet they still want to just walk away. Then when I try to talk to her just like most people she just tells me that I keep saying the same stuff but I really never show improvements. There have only been two people that have stuck beside me no matter what happens and they are my best friends. I just don’t know what to do I want to walk away from people like that but at the same time I just wish I could go back and change my actions.

[byee]

Welcome to VT! Let me see of I can say some things that might make some sense to you.

If you're like me, you believe that we are who we are based on the experiences we've had in out lives with important people. And, if those important people have abused you (as you've said), then maybe your reaction to important people today, of pushing them away, is a result of those earlier painful experiences. It would make sense that if your experiences with people who are close to you has been painful, that you'd look to protect yourself in the future by pushing them away. Eventhough it's human nature to want to get close, your abusive experiences get in the way of that.

Eventhough it's been awhile since these incidents might have occurred, the effects still remain. So, the task now is to purge them, to get them out, by processing what you went thru with someone who is trained in these sorts of things, a therapist. Eventhough you were on meds, it sounds like you also need to talk thru this. The meds would only take the edge off the symptom, not resolve all the memories and feelings and behavioral reactions you're now having.

Go find a good therapist, work thru this stuff so it really remains just in the past.

[thesphinx]

I Agree with Sam on this, obviously your not over your previous feelings and like Sam said you may be experiencing some of your problems from unresolved issues, get a good therapist they can work wonder and actual help you to GET OVER and not just get around your problems.
good luck and welcome to VT, I'm Mike :D We're here for you :)

[hotrod]

Thank you for the reply. i know that is what i really need to do but i just cant talk to people in face about these thing. i just lock up and cant say any thing due to fear. i have tried going to a therapist and that is all i did.

[byee]

Therapy takes time! Yes, it is difficult to open up face to face when the stuff is hard and painful. But, if you take it slow, if you just start by getting comfortable with the whole process (and person) it'll come eventually.

Why not start by talking about something else with the doc? There's more to you than the painful stuff, afterall. And, by so doing, you'll also be easing into it, getting accustomed to talking face to face.