I'm as cheerful as ever... not.

[Magenta]

I just moved. I'm falling apart. I don't want to leave the house, I don't want to talk to everyone. I get that it's normal to be sad and scared. But with the abandonment issues I have, being so far away from the one place I'm familiar with, means I'm completely alone if I'm abandoned here. And everyone back at home will forget about me. My anxiety is through the roof. I'm afraid and alone and I don't know what to do. I want to go home but I can't because 'home' is gone.

I keep thinking I might try to kill myself. I'm too much of a coward and I know it but it would be easier here. No one to care. I no longer have a psychiatrist either. I'm supposed to go through the hospital soon to get a new one but it will be useless. Everyone refuses to diagnose me.

I'm just tired of all this. And I'm so scared. I spend every night awake until 3 am and crying. I'm 18, I shouldn't be so weak. I feel like a child. I spend half my time huddled in a sweater of mine, trying to make myself small so I can't be seen. I'm expected to go to university in the fall and finish my high school credits in a special program. They specialise in working with students with learning problems and mental illness and various other issues but I don't want to go. They don't have to sugarcoat it. I'm the girl who can pull off straight 90s in all her classes if she tried, was doing classes two grades ahead of her level... and now I'm in the 'special education' program. I'm humiliated.

I'm probably just going to start crying again. Or I want to. But I can't because my mother will yell at me some more. I just want to disappear. Everyone wants me to disappear. Hell, even VT is probably sick of me by now. It's been three years and I'm just going downhill since I joined this site.

[Surreal]

It sounds like you're going through a really rough time, Jo. :( I'm very sorry to hear that you've had to move. I don't know much about your past or anything, though...

You offered to talk to me, so I'm returning the favor. Send me a VM ANY TIME you need to, don't hesitate. Don't sit up and cry so late, talk to someone, anyone.

You've been here for three years. No one is sick of you, I assure you that. You seem like a very dedicated and capable girl. Just let me know if you need anything. ANYTHING, and I'll see what I can do to help.

I hope you feel better, Jo
-Amy

[Magenta]

Thanks.

I think I just need to start cutting again. It will help. It's the only thing I'm good at... which is saying something 'cause I can't even do that properly either and get them just how I want them. No one really cares. My mum is... well, I don't care. My friends out here don't exist and my internet friends probably hate me because I'm so angry and sad all the time.

I'm just a worthless human being. Completely worthless. Sorry, I'm not very coherent right now.

[uglyinsideandout]

I think everyone probably feels like that at some time, I know I do. I don't know if I have anything to say to help other than you're not the only one. I wish I knew how to help.

[Magenta]

I'm just so... tired. I feel like I have no right to be this way. Any shit that has ever happened to me was years ago. By anyone else's standards, my life right now is fucking great. But it's not.

Tonight I was dissociating and panicking and I just felt so numb and empty. I can't stop thinking "I'm an adult, I have to get over myself and all of this" but all that does is make me want to just punch someone and scream at them "I'm not fucking okay!"... like that would help. I can't talk with anyone in person though. I always feel unsafe and threatened and I just want to make myself small.

I feel like I'm 14 again and it's pathetic. I spend so much time trying to act mature and responsible and helpful but I'm such a freak. I don't even know what I want from this thread. No one can help. I don't even deserve to be helped. I just want my illness to get worse at this point. I want my eating disorder back. I want to start doing drugs again and drinking until I pass out and cutting just so that I have an excuse to kill myself. But I'm just weak and all I do is pathetically sleep all day and cry.

[uglyinsideandout]

I guess I just can't understand. You made it through, you're done, free. What is making you upset? You made me laugh when you said you felt 14 again, because I don't even know what that is like.

And BTW, you made a huge difference to me in that other thread where the guy was threatening to help make my life worse. It meant alot to me that you could understand and stick up for me. No one ever sticks up for me so it made me cry a little, but in a good way. So thanks. :)

[Magenta]

I guess I just can't understand. You made it through, you're done, free. What is making you upset? You made me laugh when you said you felt 14 again, because I don't even know what that is like.

And BTW, you made a huge difference to me in that other thread where the guy was threatening to help make my life worse. It meant alot to me that you could understand and stick up for me. No one ever sticks up for me so it made me cry a little, but in a good way. So thanks. :)

I think because it's not just situational stuff. I wish it was. I wish it was all just as simple as getting myself out of the place I was in. I'm still sometimes in it but being an adult does help a little. More freedom. But living with a mental illness just... it's exhausting. I'm just fucked up, it's a fact. Something is just wrong with me and I have to live with it. And the fact that everyone says "you're mentally ill but we can't diagnose you yet" is frustrating. I probably have to go back to the hospital and see a fifth doctor because no one wants to help me. Four years of this. How much longer do I need to wait before someone decides to help me when I've done nothing but seek it? And heh, I keep forgetting most of the userbase here has changed and some of them know what I was like around that age but most have left.

And no problem. If there's any upside to all of this is that I can try to help, knowing what I know now. Maybe make it feel like at least I didn't go through the crap I did for no reason. It's kinda hard to make myself believe that all the time but I guess sometimes it's for the best. But no one stuck up for me as a kid so I tend to try to stick up for other people who feel like I did then.

[uglyinsideandout]

You have already helped me alot and I appreciate it. Sometimes I wish that I had a big sister to help me understand things and you've done that for me. Not that I want to throw that on you that you need to always help me, but just that you did means so much to me. Like I said it's never happened that someone really got what my problem was and took my side. Ok, this is making me cry again. I wish I had a way to return the favor but I can't think of anything I could possibly do to help. I wish I could.