I'm sick of repressing it

[Starxx]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post on virtualteen. I'm quite glad to have found this site and this forum because I need to get this all out. The idea of being sexually abused as a child has haunted me for years and I can't get myself out of denial. Whenever I think about it, I feel like I'm overreacting and nothing bad really happened, and I just try to forget about it and not talk about it but it's been bothering me a lot lately.

Was I abused, or am I overreacting?

Triggering:

When I was in first grade another kid in my class, who was one year older than me, did some things to me. We were paired together as reading partners and often worked together alone. We became good friends and I stupidly considered him my boyfriend. We kissed, and I was okay with that because I felt cool at time, but then he started doing other stuff I wasn't okay with. He would put his hands up my shirt and touch me. I asked him what he was doing and he always just said "shh, it will feel good." He put his hands down my pants and rubbed me. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what he was doing. He did this for awhile and it escalated to him fingering me. It was at that point when I told my mom about it. She didn't do anything and told me to never talk about it again. We haven't.

Some things happened with some neighbor kids too. One day they locked me in their garage and kept yelling at me to take my clothes off. One had a bat and told me he would hit me if I didn't do it. I just cried and asked them to stop but they were laughing at me. That's honestly all I remember. Things get fuzzy after that. I can't remember how long I was in there and when I got out. I haven't talked to anyone about this (besides my mom but that was years ago and I didn't tell her everything). I'm embarrassed, and I feel stupid for letting that stuff happen.

[uglyinsideandout]

I'm probably not the best person to post first but I will anyway just so you know someone cared enough to read your post. First, I'm very sorry and saddened by your story. Second, I know others will tell you this and it probably won't help but it wasn't your fault. I don't think it will help because that's what people tell me and I still feel guilty and ashamed. I hope you can find some peace with this, I will pray for you.

[Surreal]

I know where you're coming from as far as feeling stupid and embarrassed. I was sexually abused as well, though not by someone my age, but by an adult. These are certainly natural feeling associated with sexual abuse.

I'm not only worried about you, and don't take this the wrong way, but for the boy as well. First grade and already sexually abusing a classmate? Something tells me he's had it happen to him as well. I'm not excusing the behavior and in no way am I minimizing your grief and hurt.

To sum it up.
Yes! You were sexually abused by that boy, and ESPECIALLY in the latter story with your neighboring kids. Your mother needs to support you through this. This is a traumatic event that has obviously brought negative feelings toward yourself and others. This is a serious matter that should be taken care of as soon as possible.

I'm not asking that you post here in any description at all, but I really do suggest that you go to your school counselor and talk to them about this. Sometimes talking to a complete stranger is so much easier than coming face to face with a friend or loved one. I still haven't told my mother details of my sexual abuse, and it happened 11 years ago.

Talk to your school counselor. It's their job to provide support and most importantly CONFIDENTIALITY! They CANNOT tell your mother or ANYONE without your permission! They are sworn to this. If someone was abusing you now, that would be different.

Please keep us updated on how you're doing and let me know if you need any advice. I've been there, done that, and I can try my best to help you through this.

I would suggest signing up for a PTSD or Sexual Abuse forum. I'm on one right now and it helps a lot to hear about success stories and have people that you can relate to.

Hope this helps.
-Amy

[Christian C]

Starxx,

I would just like to start off by asking how old you are if you don't mind me asking. And secondly, what ALL of those guys did it completely wrong, and should never happen to any woman. What you've experienced in the past if horrible and despite the fact that I don't even know you I just wish that I could've been there to stop all of that from happening. If you ever need somebody to talk to you can PM me whenever and I'll gladly listen to anything you would ever like to say!

~Christian

[Starxx]

nicolette: thank you it's nice to hear that and I appreciate that you took the time to read and respond.
amy: these thoughts have crossed my mind too. I don't understand how else he would know about that kind of stuff at that age. I agree that talking to a stranger is much easier than a loved one. Talking to a counselor is a good idea.. I'm just worried they won't see anything wrong with it and will think I'm making it up. A forum specifically for sexual abuse may be nice.. i will look into that; thank you for the advice.
Christian: I'm 16. Thank you- that is really nice of you to say that.

[GypsyGirl]

nicolette: thank you it's nice to hear that and I appreciate that you took the time to read and respond.
amy: these thoughts have crossed my mind too. I don't understand how else he would know about that kind of stuff at that age. I agree that talking to a stranger is much easier than a loved one. Talking to a counselor is a good idea.. I'm just worried they won't see anything wrong with it and will think I'm making it up. A forum specifically for sexual abuse may be nice.. i will look into that; thank you for the advice.
Christian: I'm 16. Thank you- that is really nice of you to say that.

If it's a therapist it's really unlikely that they wouldn't believe you. If you trust your school counselor enough they might be an option to talk to but if not I wouldn't bother trying with them. Until you've found someone good to talk to about it that would really listen and without judgement you can try typing/writing it all out as fast as the thoughts about it come and than hide/destroy it without looking at it. This has helped me some plus just writing poetry and in a journal. I hope this helps :clover:

[numbness]

I'm sorry you had to go through that

[sarah newman]

I just want to start by saying i am very sorry you had to go through that. A similar thing happened to me apart from it wasn't some one my age but an adult. It is sexual assault and you will never forget about it but It will get easier for you in time. You just need to accept that this did happen to you before you can move forward. The best thing you would need to do is get a therapist because they don't judge you at all. I'm always here if you want to PM me any time.

[APhkinPanda]

Well, of course you should know it isn't your fault ( Hopefully out of all the loved ones you have and you told them this. Or just friends have already drilled this into your head. :P ) but you need to try and see past it. Because the more you think of it and the more you repress it, the more it will build up and you will explode ( Example: Meltdown, Panic attack, anxiety during situations. etc. ) So you need to talk about it, this is a great first step. Keep pushing at it. Take baby steps, then eventually get use to it then actually walk slowly until you are able to run.

Once you gotten more comfortable, you won't feel like you have been repressing it. It won't feel like it's something to hide. You won't feel " different " from others. Or whatever you think cause of it. Just slowly let it go and live life at its fullest. Just don't drink and drive or Text and drive. Not's not living, that's being stupid :P

If you need me message me. Or add me as a friend, I have been through a similar situation. So I will understand :)

[Happyguy1]

You say you talked to your mom about this, what did she have to say? you say you didn't tell here everything, with the exception of this forum have you told anyone close to you about this?
I am sorry for the questions and sad to hear this has happened to you.

[Emily15_xoxo]

sounds like really bad parenting on the mothers side, she should have talked to you about it and dealt with the problem much better

[Katiya]

I'm sorry you had to go through that. Yes you were abused. It was very very wrong what they all did!

It may help to talk about it. Talk about it with a close friend if you have one you trust.

You should tell some one if your up to telling. Some one at school or at a Dr's office or health department, even some one you know that has a job as a counselor, teacher, nurse Dr... all of them are REQUIRED to report it weather you are personal friend, stranger or patient or coworker.

Your mom was wrong to say that to you, but I've lived that kind of statement from my mom about stuff. I think they just think talking about it will cause some kind of trouble. But there's nothing to worry about.

I hope you never have to go through any thing like that again!

And no you weren't stupid to let it happen. It just kinda shocks your brain, like "What the hell???" And its normal for people to 'let it happen' for many reasons, but no reason is your fault. Try not to blame your self.

[Katiya]

And its also normal to be confused about things. I just had a person I know go through something like this this year, she felt a lot like you and wasn't sure why she let it happen and such.

Also if it is something that makes you very uncomfortable or is painful physically or emotionally your brain can kind of shut it off and block it out while it happens, which can lead to confusion and things for some people.