KarkatLuv
July 25th, 2013, 09:16 AM
This is a rant I wrote for english class, because I was pissed.
Hate
Anger
Anxiety
Sadness
Relief
You caused all these emotions, all these conflicting emotions. I hate you so much it hurts yet I’m sad it had to happen this way. You make me so angry but I would never raise my fist to you, I guess I’m just better than you. You caused me to feel this uncontrollable anxiety yet it is still a relief that this has happened. It’s still a relief that we are no longer friends. All the days having to say everything I disliked about you behind your back are over, because I don’t have to deal with you clinging to my shoulder six hours a day. I am no longer a hypocrite. All those times I talked about you, I did it because you pissed me off when you talked about others behind their back, and I didn’t want to say how much I hated it because I didn’t want to hurt you. Ironic isn’t it, considering now you believe I wouldn’t care if you died. You talk about me being a huge dick, saying ‘what a great “friend” I am’ yet you hardly know me. I would care if anyone died, anyone. Just because all of my anger is centered towards you doesn’t mean I wont care if you die, that’s almost as bad as saying I want you dead. Do you know how lost that made me feel? Who’s the one that doesn’t give a shit now? You tell me I only know half the story when I told you I didn’t need to know the whole story because I wasn’t going to take sides. Me telling you I would make sure you get appropriate punishment if you fought her isn’t me taking her side, that’s me thinking its fucking pathetic for you to threaten to hit someone, let alone my friend. If someone were saying the same thing about you wouldn’t you want me to say the exact same thing? The only reason you got so pissed off was because I was going against you. You have always done that, muttered “shut up or I’ll punch you in the face” under your breath, you just change the name when you’re angry with a different person. Weather its Samara or Krystal or Lynnaire it’s always someone. But has it ever been me? Until the day I didn’t submissively follow you or take your side was it me? No, because I’m the only one you have ever cared about. You have never cared about the people that care about you, even Samara who you called a best friend, who you planned on living with for a year after high school. You were ready to talk about her behind her back, to drop her as a friend. All you cared about was if she was going to “steal” me away from you. Well I’m sorry that’s not how friendships work, maybe you didn’t know this but I’m not an object. You can’t just mark me like a dog to a tree, you can’t rub your scent into me and call me yours because I am my own person. Nobody can steal me away from you because I can make my own decisions, and for the first time I doing that. I’m not going to be a dog on a leash anymore, I’m sick of it. I’m sick of you making me feel this way. Constantly putting on a false smile and then ranting about you behind your back is not a good look, it probably makes me look like a horrible friend to some, pathetic to others. But we were never really friends were we. You used me to talk about your depression but you never asked about how I was feeling. When I told you I did something stupid you looked disgusted in me, yet you go and do it as well, and when you tell me about it you wait for me to say “wow congratulations.” When I tell you my dad has a cancerous growth you look at me and say, “He might need chemotherapy.” That’s the worst thing you could say, it might be the truth but being a friend doesn’t always mean saying the truth because that thought was already going through my head. I pictured my dad turning into a weak little man stuck in a hospital bed and you solidified that thought into my head. You made me think the worst. Friendship isn’t a one-way street, both parties need to care about each other but I was just your outlet. You used me to talk about your depression, your scars, and your fresh, blood stained cuts. You used me to rant about the people you hated that day, and the one time I make it clear that I think your wrong I am your worst enemy. Friendship might not always be about telling the truth but it sure as hell isn’t about always lying to make the other person feel better. Well you finally did it, pushed me so far away that I wont come back. Not through the words you said but the way you acted. I’m tired of listening to your voice like it on repeat, nothing but the names ever changing. You lost me. You lost me and now you surround yourself with people that you once hated, not because you suddenly like them but because even though you think they act the way they do for attention, they are the only ones that can understand you now. The councillor doesn’t help and now you have pushed me, your “therapist”, further away then anyone else. What will happen now, what will you do. It’s your turn to make the next move, you can either learn not to hate others to make yourself feel better or you can stay where you are. Stay in your own dark depressing corner, sinking further and further into your own self-hatred, because somehow, that is where you feel most comfortable. The only way you feel joy is backstabbing people, even your friends yet you say Samara talks about you behind your back and you call me a hypocrite. The next time you point the finger; I’ll point you to the mirror.
Hate
Anger
Anxiety
Sadness
Relief
You caused all these emotions, all these conflicting emotions. I hate you so much it hurts yet I’m sad it had to happen this way. You make me so angry but I would never raise my fist to you, I guess I’m just better than you. You caused me to feel this uncontrollable anxiety yet it is still a relief that this has happened. It’s still a relief that we are no longer friends. All the days having to say everything I disliked about you behind your back are over, because I don’t have to deal with you clinging to my shoulder six hours a day. I am no longer a hypocrite. All those times I talked about you, I did it because you pissed me off when you talked about others behind their back, and I didn’t want to say how much I hated it because I didn’t want to hurt you. Ironic isn’t it, considering now you believe I wouldn’t care if you died. You talk about me being a huge dick, saying ‘what a great “friend” I am’ yet you hardly know me. I would care if anyone died, anyone. Just because all of my anger is centered towards you doesn’t mean I wont care if you die, that’s almost as bad as saying I want you dead. Do you know how lost that made me feel? Who’s the one that doesn’t give a shit now? You tell me I only know half the story when I told you I didn’t need to know the whole story because I wasn’t going to take sides. Me telling you I would make sure you get appropriate punishment if you fought her isn’t me taking her side, that’s me thinking its fucking pathetic for you to threaten to hit someone, let alone my friend. If someone were saying the same thing about you wouldn’t you want me to say the exact same thing? The only reason you got so pissed off was because I was going against you. You have always done that, muttered “shut up or I’ll punch you in the face” under your breath, you just change the name when you’re angry with a different person. Weather its Samara or Krystal or Lynnaire it’s always someone. But has it ever been me? Until the day I didn’t submissively follow you or take your side was it me? No, because I’m the only one you have ever cared about. You have never cared about the people that care about you, even Samara who you called a best friend, who you planned on living with for a year after high school. You were ready to talk about her behind her back, to drop her as a friend. All you cared about was if she was going to “steal” me away from you. Well I’m sorry that’s not how friendships work, maybe you didn’t know this but I’m not an object. You can’t just mark me like a dog to a tree, you can’t rub your scent into me and call me yours because I am my own person. Nobody can steal me away from you because I can make my own decisions, and for the first time I doing that. I’m not going to be a dog on a leash anymore, I’m sick of it. I’m sick of you making me feel this way. Constantly putting on a false smile and then ranting about you behind your back is not a good look, it probably makes me look like a horrible friend to some, pathetic to others. But we were never really friends were we. You used me to talk about your depression but you never asked about how I was feeling. When I told you I did something stupid you looked disgusted in me, yet you go and do it as well, and when you tell me about it you wait for me to say “wow congratulations.” When I tell you my dad has a cancerous growth you look at me and say, “He might need chemotherapy.” That’s the worst thing you could say, it might be the truth but being a friend doesn’t always mean saying the truth because that thought was already going through my head. I pictured my dad turning into a weak little man stuck in a hospital bed and you solidified that thought into my head. You made me think the worst. Friendship isn’t a one-way street, both parties need to care about each other but I was just your outlet. You used me to talk about your depression, your scars, and your fresh, blood stained cuts. You used me to rant about the people you hated that day, and the one time I make it clear that I think your wrong I am your worst enemy. Friendship might not always be about telling the truth but it sure as hell isn’t about always lying to make the other person feel better. Well you finally did it, pushed me so far away that I wont come back. Not through the words you said but the way you acted. I’m tired of listening to your voice like it on repeat, nothing but the names ever changing. You lost me. You lost me and now you surround yourself with people that you once hated, not because you suddenly like them but because even though you think they act the way they do for attention, they are the only ones that can understand you now. The councillor doesn’t help and now you have pushed me, your “therapist”, further away then anyone else. What will happen now, what will you do. It’s your turn to make the next move, you can either learn not to hate others to make yourself feel better or you can stay where you are. Stay in your own dark depressing corner, sinking further and further into your own self-hatred, because somehow, that is where you feel most comfortable. The only way you feel joy is backstabbing people, even your friends yet you say Samara talks about you behind your back and you call me a hypocrite. The next time you point the finger; I’ll point you to the mirror.