cassie93
July 24th, 2013, 12:30 AM
Im stuck on the edge of killing myself or getting 'help'
There is hardly anything out there where i live. I ask for help and i get pushed away and get told im being 'silly' or not taken seriously.
Nearly 7 years i've been suffering, and have only just recently started opening up. It takes ALOT for me to trust people and speak about my issues.
Ever since i was young ive been shy and 'scared of people'. I had to re-do pre-primary again as i wouldn't speak to anyone. All through primary school i was quiet and had no friends, i just didn't know how to interact. Hence why people are thinking i have aspergers yet to be diagnosed.
Primary school something did happen, but ive been trying to block it out. something with a teacher, ive only just come out to my mum, but still blocking it out as i don't want to think about it, it scares me.
Skip primary school. High school, i was picked on because i was an easy target, walked with my head down, quiet, self-conscious. By the end of year 8 i could tell something was different. i would come home lay in bed listen to sad music and cry. i didn't know what depression was back then. Year 9 was when shit went down. Day 2 of year 9 i got into a fight with one of the bullies and smashed her face in, got suspended but it was worth it, she got suspended to. my mum didn't really care because she knew this girl was giving me a hard time. That same year i started wagging classes that made me feel anxious, or any class that i had to do an oral presentation that i'd dread. I took my anger out on the teachers, refusing to do work, throwing chairs at them, calling them names, i did some really horrible stuff. I didn't know what was wrong with me at the time. By the middle of year 9 i had multiple suspensions and was still getting bullied by older kids now and i left to go to another school close by. It was worse, i was there for a week and couldn't handle it. i was just known as 'new girl' and followed and bullied yet again. I tried to get back into my previous school but they wouldn't let me back because of my past behaviour. It took 3 months of no school & appointments with the education department to finally let me back in on a trial, meaning i had to be good until the rest of the year to be fully enrolled for year 10.
I managed it, i don't know how and made it to year 10. I forgot to mention year 9 was wheni first started going to CAMHS. my parents broke up, my mum cheated, and me and my little sister moved out with her. She was different and didn't understand why i was acting the way i was. i often stayed at my dads after fights we'd have because she didn't know how depressed i was.
Year 10 and only 2 weeks back at school and im suspended yet again. i was so depressed i just couldn't be bothered doing anything not even my favourite subject sport so id sit out and my teacher hated that. I called him a few names, and pissed him off each sport lesson. i even hit him with a metal bat. My anger and depression weregetting out of control and i didn't know.
One day sitting out of sport id had enough. i told someone i was going to killmyself and got up and apparently climbed onto the schools roof.
I don't really remember much just my parents coming and then getting admitted to a kids psych ward the day before school holidays.
So i spent the school holidays in hospital, we went to the movies and ice skating, to the museum and all this shit.
Back at school i had to have a teacher with me everywhere, i wasn't allowed to go full days, and i teacher was with me every class, recess and lunch. i lost my only friend i had which really hurt.
I few weeks later i was back in hospital for a meds change, i had a reation to the meds. after being there for a few weeks i was discharged.
i was hardly at school as i was a risk and always suicidal. i tried to run out the gate many times to jump in front of cars. I was admitted to a different psych ward a few months later after i tried climbing onto the roof again.
it was like a jail and after 2 days being in there my parents got me out.
year 11 i still had a teacher with me everywhere, and it didn't take me long to get admitted back into hospital. the kids ward again, i was 16 and i was lucky that they let me stay. i was there for a week, but ran away with another girl and got discharged.
I hardly went to school in year 11 so i failed. i chose not to go back and i've bee. home ever since. last year at 18 i left camhs and was snet to an adult mental health counselling place.
I got a psychologist who i couldn't really understand, and didn't really click with. so i left there just recently. I see a psychiatrist there who i'll talk about in a sec.
Fast forward to now. Im depressed as ever, and have lost hope in the mental health system.
About 4 weeks ago i lost it and was about to do something stupid but i told my mum that i needed help and to go to hospital, which is a big thing for me asking help. I was admitted to an adult psych ward for the first time and they took me off my anti-depressant which id been on for 5 years and wasn't doing anything. i was discharged after 5 days. Off the meds i could actually feel again. i wasn't numb and i could actually express how i was feeling.
I started talking freely about my suicidal thoughts and plans which scared some people and i ended up back in the same ward. i saw the same inpatient psychiatrist as my last stat but she was more of bitch this time and was quite rude and made me feel worse. it felt like she wasn't taking me seriously,and that i was jist attention seeking.
i was upset that i finally opened up, just to be pushed away, i walked out of the hospital getting ready to kill myself, the nurse called security but i beat them off hospital premisis. I had some time to calm down accross the road and get my thoughts straight. my mum kept ringing me telling me to go back to the ward. i eventually did & told the nurses i wanted to go home and i was discharged. One really nice nurse didn't want me to go because she knew i was a high risk. she actually cared no one else did.
I came home, it was my mums birthday and i just cried and cried, i feltlikei was being let down so much. My mum took me out for walks over the weekend to get my mind off things. All i wanted to do was die and give up.
That tuesday 11pm the policd knock at our door saying they want to speak to me. Apparently someone from new zealand called someone from new south wales who calledthe cops here in perth because of some things i wrote on my tumblr.
My parents realised i needed help fast and the next day got me in to see a psychiatrist at the clinic since my usual one was on leave. he was really good and he wanted to put me back on anti-depressants and to come back in 2 days with a decision. i decidec to go back on a new med just to shut them up and thinking maybe it could work. So these past 2 weeks ive been on this new med and he referred me to a youth counselling service which accepted me.
Yesterday i had an appointment with my normal psychiatrist because shes off leave and she brings in my old psychologist the one i couldn't understand and she wanted me to see her again and i said no because the youth service accepted me and they were shocked that they even accepted me because its hard to get in or something.
But my psychiatrist was going on about the suicidal stuff and i was just saying how i wanted to die, and how i open up to people and just get let down, and how im sick of everything sick of living and that i'll be dead before my birthday which is early September.
I'm stuck on the edge of killing myself or getting 'help', but there is hardly any help out there, when i ask for it no one does anything and im just left off worse than i was before.
& now my psychiatrist is having a meeting with my parents in a couple of weeks to tell them that im planning to kill myself before my birthday in september. My mum already knows that, but doesn't know what to do.
And my psychiatristsaid shes not going to stop me or save me, she said go ahead and kill yourself .and she said its no about me anymore its about herself and her collegues saving their asses so they don't get charged with anything.
shes like, if you go and kill yourself, we will have to speak to the coroner about what you've said and how we tried to help. so before you do we need your parents to know, so that they can take the blame
She also said that shes not going to put me in hospital because I'll either kill myself in there or come out and kill myself.
So i don't know what to do? Kill myself and end it all for good? or get 'help' when i've tried over and over again.
Im running out of time, my mind can't take much more.
There is hardly anything out there where i live. I ask for help and i get pushed away and get told im being 'silly' or not taken seriously.
Nearly 7 years i've been suffering, and have only just recently started opening up. It takes ALOT for me to trust people and speak about my issues.
Ever since i was young ive been shy and 'scared of people'. I had to re-do pre-primary again as i wouldn't speak to anyone. All through primary school i was quiet and had no friends, i just didn't know how to interact. Hence why people are thinking i have aspergers yet to be diagnosed.
Primary school something did happen, but ive been trying to block it out. something with a teacher, ive only just come out to my mum, but still blocking it out as i don't want to think about it, it scares me.
Skip primary school. High school, i was picked on because i was an easy target, walked with my head down, quiet, self-conscious. By the end of year 8 i could tell something was different. i would come home lay in bed listen to sad music and cry. i didn't know what depression was back then. Year 9 was when shit went down. Day 2 of year 9 i got into a fight with one of the bullies and smashed her face in, got suspended but it was worth it, she got suspended to. my mum didn't really care because she knew this girl was giving me a hard time. That same year i started wagging classes that made me feel anxious, or any class that i had to do an oral presentation that i'd dread. I took my anger out on the teachers, refusing to do work, throwing chairs at them, calling them names, i did some really horrible stuff. I didn't know what was wrong with me at the time. By the middle of year 9 i had multiple suspensions and was still getting bullied by older kids now and i left to go to another school close by. It was worse, i was there for a week and couldn't handle it. i was just known as 'new girl' and followed and bullied yet again. I tried to get back into my previous school but they wouldn't let me back because of my past behaviour. It took 3 months of no school & appointments with the education department to finally let me back in on a trial, meaning i had to be good until the rest of the year to be fully enrolled for year 10.
I managed it, i don't know how and made it to year 10. I forgot to mention year 9 was wheni first started going to CAMHS. my parents broke up, my mum cheated, and me and my little sister moved out with her. She was different and didn't understand why i was acting the way i was. i often stayed at my dads after fights we'd have because she didn't know how depressed i was.
Year 10 and only 2 weeks back at school and im suspended yet again. i was so depressed i just couldn't be bothered doing anything not even my favourite subject sport so id sit out and my teacher hated that. I called him a few names, and pissed him off each sport lesson. i even hit him with a metal bat. My anger and depression weregetting out of control and i didn't know.
One day sitting out of sport id had enough. i told someone i was going to killmyself and got up and apparently climbed onto the schools roof.
I don't really remember much just my parents coming and then getting admitted to a kids psych ward the day before school holidays.
So i spent the school holidays in hospital, we went to the movies and ice skating, to the museum and all this shit.
Back at school i had to have a teacher with me everywhere, i wasn't allowed to go full days, and i teacher was with me every class, recess and lunch. i lost my only friend i had which really hurt.
I few weeks later i was back in hospital for a meds change, i had a reation to the meds. after being there for a few weeks i was discharged.
i was hardly at school as i was a risk and always suicidal. i tried to run out the gate many times to jump in front of cars. I was admitted to a different psych ward a few months later after i tried climbing onto the roof again.
it was like a jail and after 2 days being in there my parents got me out.
year 11 i still had a teacher with me everywhere, and it didn't take me long to get admitted back into hospital. the kids ward again, i was 16 and i was lucky that they let me stay. i was there for a week, but ran away with another girl and got discharged.
I hardly went to school in year 11 so i failed. i chose not to go back and i've bee. home ever since. last year at 18 i left camhs and was snet to an adult mental health counselling place.
I got a psychologist who i couldn't really understand, and didn't really click with. so i left there just recently. I see a psychiatrist there who i'll talk about in a sec.
Fast forward to now. Im depressed as ever, and have lost hope in the mental health system.
About 4 weeks ago i lost it and was about to do something stupid but i told my mum that i needed help and to go to hospital, which is a big thing for me asking help. I was admitted to an adult psych ward for the first time and they took me off my anti-depressant which id been on for 5 years and wasn't doing anything. i was discharged after 5 days. Off the meds i could actually feel again. i wasn't numb and i could actually express how i was feeling.
I started talking freely about my suicidal thoughts and plans which scared some people and i ended up back in the same ward. i saw the same inpatient psychiatrist as my last stat but she was more of bitch this time and was quite rude and made me feel worse. it felt like she wasn't taking me seriously,and that i was jist attention seeking.
i was upset that i finally opened up, just to be pushed away, i walked out of the hospital getting ready to kill myself, the nurse called security but i beat them off hospital premisis. I had some time to calm down accross the road and get my thoughts straight. my mum kept ringing me telling me to go back to the ward. i eventually did & told the nurses i wanted to go home and i was discharged. One really nice nurse didn't want me to go because she knew i was a high risk. she actually cared no one else did.
I came home, it was my mums birthday and i just cried and cried, i feltlikei was being let down so much. My mum took me out for walks over the weekend to get my mind off things. All i wanted to do was die and give up.
That tuesday 11pm the policd knock at our door saying they want to speak to me. Apparently someone from new zealand called someone from new south wales who calledthe cops here in perth because of some things i wrote on my tumblr.
My parents realised i needed help fast and the next day got me in to see a psychiatrist at the clinic since my usual one was on leave. he was really good and he wanted to put me back on anti-depressants and to come back in 2 days with a decision. i decidec to go back on a new med just to shut them up and thinking maybe it could work. So these past 2 weeks ive been on this new med and he referred me to a youth counselling service which accepted me.
Yesterday i had an appointment with my normal psychiatrist because shes off leave and she brings in my old psychologist the one i couldn't understand and she wanted me to see her again and i said no because the youth service accepted me and they were shocked that they even accepted me because its hard to get in or something.
But my psychiatrist was going on about the suicidal stuff and i was just saying how i wanted to die, and how i open up to people and just get let down, and how im sick of everything sick of living and that i'll be dead before my birthday which is early September.
I'm stuck on the edge of killing myself or getting 'help', but there is hardly any help out there, when i ask for it no one does anything and im just left off worse than i was before.
& now my psychiatrist is having a meeting with my parents in a couple of weeks to tell them that im planning to kill myself before my birthday in september. My mum already knows that, but doesn't know what to do.
And my psychiatristsaid shes not going to stop me or save me, she said go ahead and kill yourself .and she said its no about me anymore its about herself and her collegues saving their asses so they don't get charged with anything.
shes like, if you go and kill yourself, we will have to speak to the coroner about what you've said and how we tried to help. so before you do we need your parents to know, so that they can take the blame
She also said that shes not going to put me in hospital because I'll either kill myself in there or come out and kill myself.
So i don't know what to do? Kill myself and end it all for good? or get 'help' when i've tried over and over again.
Im running out of time, my mind can't take much more.