mkjt
July 20th, 2013, 03:56 PM
I have been an on and off (more recently on) cutter for almost 4 years now. For like the past 3 months or so it's gotten really bad again. It's summer now, so I've taken more to doing it on my left thigh and sometimes the insides of my calves since I rarely ever wear shorts anyway and don't go swimming very often, and if I do I always wear the boy shorts kinda swimming piece so it covers some of it up.
Since about April or May I'd say up until a month ago I'd been SHing only once a week or so. It'd be like maybe 5-10 cuts a a time with one of those little razor things on razors that you shave with, so they weren't that wide or deep. They'd leave scars for anywhere from 3 or 4 days to a month after the scabs went away.
What I've been doing is this for the past month, I'd say to myself I'd just make one or two small cuts, just enough to make me feel better, but it'd turn into like 10-15 on each limb. Then I'd freak out, be so scared someone was going to see them, and then promise myself it'd be the last time. Then a few days later, I'd get upset again and notice that the previous cuts were healing up, I'd say again, just a few, and the cycle repeats itself.
Now I'm doing it almost every day again, still repeating the same thing to myself again and again, wondering when it really will stop. I want to ask for help but I'm scared, and at the same time I don't want to stop, it's been one of the only things in my life that I can use 24/7/365 to calm down my anxiety or divert my mind away from emotional pain even for just a little while. It's just an ongoing cycle and I don't know when or if I can break free.
Since about April or May I'd say up until a month ago I'd been SHing only once a week or so. It'd be like maybe 5-10 cuts a a time with one of those little razor things on razors that you shave with, so they weren't that wide or deep. They'd leave scars for anywhere from 3 or 4 days to a month after the scabs went away.
What I've been doing is this for the past month, I'd say to myself I'd just make one or two small cuts, just enough to make me feel better, but it'd turn into like 10-15 on each limb. Then I'd freak out, be so scared someone was going to see them, and then promise myself it'd be the last time. Then a few days later, I'd get upset again and notice that the previous cuts were healing up, I'd say again, just a few, and the cycle repeats itself.
Now I'm doing it almost every day again, still repeating the same thing to myself again and again, wondering when it really will stop. I want to ask for help but I'm scared, and at the same time I don't want to stop, it's been one of the only things in my life that I can use 24/7/365 to calm down my anxiety or divert my mind away from emotional pain even for just a little while. It's just an ongoing cycle and I don't know when or if I can break free.