Thigg
July 19th, 2013, 09:19 AM
Well, long road might have come to the end now and I'm wondering what to do or is it right.
Sorry about long post.
(I'm boy, 17)
So, it all started many years ago. We actually found each other on internet. It was some kind of letter exchange thing like 4 years ago I think. We were friends. She had crush on me on the beginning but we were so young and 120 km from each other so nothing happened. We talked like every day and night until it just went off for a half year. She dated someone in that half year or so. (We were something like 14 back then.)
She didn't have many friends anymore back then after because what happened to her. (Something bad but it isn't essential)
Then we just found each other again. Started to talk like every day and night again and then promised to each other that we will never forgot again and stop talking. I enjoyed talking to her and I think so did her.
Time passed. We come to the part what was approx in before summer 2012. We were so close friends then. Talked every day and night. And then she "broke up" with her best girl friend. Then I was like her only friend and best friend because she didn't really have anyone else. She was also my best friend tbh.
And this is time where everything just starts. I started to develop feelings towards her. I noticed my feelings couple of months before summer but they only got stronger. I couldn't think anything else on summer. We did meet, usually with her friend with us. Nothing happened. I did so many mistakes. (Never had dated anyone)
Then I did biggest mistake I think. She always told me how important I was and how much she care and hows she is afraid that I left her. She wanted to see me, said I'm okay looking. I thought she would like me too. Eh, I know you can guess what happened next...I just told about my feelings and it was my lifes saddest day to be honest. She kept me just as her best friend who has perfect personality, yeah. I was stupid I know and continued to pressure to her to be with me. I just got rejected again. I got angry and I was honestly leaving her right in that place.
But then she started to panic. She did everything to convince me to stay with her. (She would had been alone if I didnt stay) I did. I don't know was it wrong. Maybe everything would be better if I didn't.
The next year until now we were just friends, best friends, whatever. She told me how I was only she trust and most important. We argued many times about that happened thing over and over. (like once in two month) Because I didn't wanted to hear about her crushes or anything. Everything just started to go downside. I wasn't as talkative as before and we didn't talk as much. I mean I didn't. We talked still like 24/7 but it was mainly she talking and me answering. Nothing like those funny conversations and stuff like before I told about my feelings.
Now, this summer. Couple of times we have been on edge to leave. Once I and once her but every time another one of us had convinced to another to stay. And there are we still.
But now it is so painful and I'm so sad because after a year I still have those feelings. If I didn't I would have left already I think. She treat me very bad at some times. She "abuse" me and tries to abuse. And if I get angry and threat her like "I'm leaving" she just start panicking. And everything is fine and normal in couple of days. She's still fine most of the time but argues starts to get more usual.
At the time, like just now we are arguing again. Stupid subject but like she "force" me to buy her birthday present. (And she forgot my bday and didn't even bought a card.) Yeah, of course I would like to buy something but if she force to do it and says straight "I'm just using you to get it" I really don't want to anymore. Wouldn't little hint be enough...
Now she is just telling that she isn't interested me anymore and I can leave her if I want and I don't mean anything to her and how she hates me and how gross I am and how I never was her friend or loved her or.. . .
She still doesn't have friends...I'm only one she talks on her free time. (Maybe I understand now why is everyone leaving her.) I also found in one place what she had written when we were arguing. (Shouldn't read but those are not private sites...) There was like "that feeling when your best friend is mad at you and wont talk" in winter and this next was at the same time we argued like month ago. "I hate these moments when I start to cry randomly". (Yeah, randomly when we are arguing and I'm ignoring you at the moment.)
And then there was post in one forum: ".........I really have just one true friend but shame he lives so far so we don't see each other so often........"
I'm so confused why she writes that bad stuff to me but then that things to different sites? What is she thinking?
What should I do? Just say her the goodbyes and continue my life? But it feels so hard because we have been so close so long. And I still have feelings...I hate it because I can't stop it and I have liked only two girls in my life.
God I have cried so much when writing this...I wish I could go back in time and do everything differently because it was like perfect a year ago. Only thing I wanted was and is to be with her but is it time to move on?
I would like to add that I think I might be mildly depressed too. My mood is just down all the time and got positive results on web tests etc. I'm not happy at the moment. And I'm also very shy to meet new people etc. I enjoy being alone but I would just need that one I could talk and be with. (I have friends but I don't enjoy being with them.)
E: She have said that she would date me if I would be better looking...So she is like just keeping that how someone look important.
Any answer helps.
Sorry about long post.
(I'm boy, 17)
So, it all started many years ago. We actually found each other on internet. It was some kind of letter exchange thing like 4 years ago I think. We were friends. She had crush on me on the beginning but we were so young and 120 km from each other so nothing happened. We talked like every day and night until it just went off for a half year. She dated someone in that half year or so. (We were something like 14 back then.)
She didn't have many friends anymore back then after because what happened to her. (Something bad but it isn't essential)
Then we just found each other again. Started to talk like every day and night again and then promised to each other that we will never forgot again and stop talking. I enjoyed talking to her and I think so did her.
Time passed. We come to the part what was approx in before summer 2012. We were so close friends then. Talked every day and night. And then she "broke up" with her best girl friend. Then I was like her only friend and best friend because she didn't really have anyone else. She was also my best friend tbh.
And this is time where everything just starts. I started to develop feelings towards her. I noticed my feelings couple of months before summer but they only got stronger. I couldn't think anything else on summer. We did meet, usually with her friend with us. Nothing happened. I did so many mistakes. (Never had dated anyone)
Then I did biggest mistake I think. She always told me how important I was and how much she care and hows she is afraid that I left her. She wanted to see me, said I'm okay looking. I thought she would like me too. Eh, I know you can guess what happened next...I just told about my feelings and it was my lifes saddest day to be honest. She kept me just as her best friend who has perfect personality, yeah. I was stupid I know and continued to pressure to her to be with me. I just got rejected again. I got angry and I was honestly leaving her right in that place.
But then she started to panic. She did everything to convince me to stay with her. (She would had been alone if I didnt stay) I did. I don't know was it wrong. Maybe everything would be better if I didn't.
The next year until now we were just friends, best friends, whatever. She told me how I was only she trust and most important. We argued many times about that happened thing over and over. (like once in two month) Because I didn't wanted to hear about her crushes or anything. Everything just started to go downside. I wasn't as talkative as before and we didn't talk as much. I mean I didn't. We talked still like 24/7 but it was mainly she talking and me answering. Nothing like those funny conversations and stuff like before I told about my feelings.
Now, this summer. Couple of times we have been on edge to leave. Once I and once her but every time another one of us had convinced to another to stay. And there are we still.
But now it is so painful and I'm so sad because after a year I still have those feelings. If I didn't I would have left already I think. She treat me very bad at some times. She "abuse" me and tries to abuse. And if I get angry and threat her like "I'm leaving" she just start panicking. And everything is fine and normal in couple of days. She's still fine most of the time but argues starts to get more usual.
At the time, like just now we are arguing again. Stupid subject but like she "force" me to buy her birthday present. (And she forgot my bday and didn't even bought a card.) Yeah, of course I would like to buy something but if she force to do it and says straight "I'm just using you to get it" I really don't want to anymore. Wouldn't little hint be enough...
Now she is just telling that she isn't interested me anymore and I can leave her if I want and I don't mean anything to her and how she hates me and how gross I am and how I never was her friend or loved her or.. . .
She still doesn't have friends...I'm only one she talks on her free time. (Maybe I understand now why is everyone leaving her.) I also found in one place what she had written when we were arguing. (Shouldn't read but those are not private sites...) There was like "that feeling when your best friend is mad at you and wont talk" in winter and this next was at the same time we argued like month ago. "I hate these moments when I start to cry randomly". (Yeah, randomly when we are arguing and I'm ignoring you at the moment.)
And then there was post in one forum: ".........I really have just one true friend but shame he lives so far so we don't see each other so often........"
I'm so confused why she writes that bad stuff to me but then that things to different sites? What is she thinking?
What should I do? Just say her the goodbyes and continue my life? But it feels so hard because we have been so close so long. And I still have feelings...I hate it because I can't stop it and I have liked only two girls in my life.
God I have cried so much when writing this...I wish I could go back in time and do everything differently because it was like perfect a year ago. Only thing I wanted was and is to be with her but is it time to move on?
I would like to add that I think I might be mildly depressed too. My mood is just down all the time and got positive results on web tests etc. I'm not happy at the moment. And I'm also very shy to meet new people etc. I enjoy being alone but I would just need that one I could talk and be with. (I have friends but I don't enjoy being with them.)
E: She have said that she would date me if I would be better looking...So she is like just keeping that how someone look important.
Any answer helps.