relapse kind of.

[Leonard Axel]

Well here's the story right.

I cut for the first time about 20 months ago. and i cut for the last time about 14 months ago. But i just cut myself like 20 minutes ago using a bottle cap i folded in half. But I always feel strange after because the people on this forum seem to have actual problems and stuff, where im more of just a depressed loser with no friends, like actually, well, i mean i have one friend, but i only started talking to him like 5 days ago cause he started playing wow. but thats like the extent of it. I've been wearing a hoodie everyday since i started 2 years ago. even in the dead of summer, which in new zealand is no joke cause it gets effing hot here. Anyway, sometimes I have like these weird things where i play out scenarios where I kill myself, like when I mow the lawns, mostly cause its time where i do nothing but think. I guess the only thing really stopping me is my family, I dont wanna fuck up my siblings and stuff, I remember hearing my ex-bestfriend got this girl pregnant, and the reason she kept the baby was cause she developed some condition after her sister killed herself and i cant bare the thought of doing that to one of my siblings. It's just some days are harder than others. I dont even really know what this is about, I guess its just to vent. Instead of writing it in a word document no one will ever read cause im too fuck-scared to tell someone about it, so i end up having this weird thing where im like one person around my family (the only real human interaction I have) and this person when im by myself, and its so fucking lonely. I mean, even when I'm skyping with my only freind, i feel like im fake-laughing at his jokes and stuff. And i shouldnt even be here really, im not even a teen anymore. fuck me, shit just sucks some times.


Sorry for swearing if i wasnt meant to, and sorry if i wasted your time i guess. Im out of booze now so ill probably go to sleep soon. Ill get some more tomorrow and will probably be back. It's not like I have anything better to do...


Sorry..

[Conqueror of Hearts]

You can't compare sadness...it comes in different shapes and forms for many reasons, so don't feel like you can't be sad and messed up just because nothing too big happened to you.
A lot of ppl feel like that, teens and adults, boys and girls, men and women.
It is really hard to deal with depression and many times the best help is going to the therapist. The thing is to talk about what keeps you down and even if it seems like there isn't any real reason there always is.
You have already told us what makes you feel depressed.

Telling someone about what bothers you is helpful and scary...I still haven't told anyone about my problems, because I am scared too and coming here and talking to the ppl who actually understand really helps me to understand myself better.
So congrats, because you took the first step by coming here.
You are welcomed to stay for as long as you want/need.

I also think about suicide sometimes, but just like you I know I would never do sth like that to my family. And I guess that a lot of ppl thought about suicide at some point of their lifes...what keeps me going is the fact that one day, when I get out of this mess I will be stronger and will be able to help others to get better aswell.
And I know that one day I will just take things in my own hands and tell my bestfriend about this or go to the therapist, because I know sitting in my room and cutting will not help me. Until you decide to maybe do the same you can come here.

Do you go to college or work or any place where you could meet someone and make new friends?

[Leonard Axel]

thanks for replying, It means more than you'll know.

And yeah I am doing An I.T course at my local polytech, but no one there talks to me really. I just sit by myself in the corner, sometimes I do my work and sometimes I just read random shit on wikipedia. I spend my lunch times sitting on the wall by the church listening to my ipod. but then i dont really make an effort anymore either so i guess im as much to blame as anyone else. I start back on monday so we'll see if anything changes. who knows. maybe it'll be the kick-in-the-pants i need to go see my GP or something...

Thanks again..

[Conqueror of Hearts]

thanks for replying, It means more than you'll know.

And yeah I am doing An I.T course at my local polytech, but no one there talks to me really. I just sit by myself in the corner, sometimes I do my work and sometimes I just read random shit on wikipedia. I spend my lunch times sitting on the wall by the church listening to my ipod. but then i dont really make an effort anymore either so i guess im as much to blame as anyone else. I start back on monday so we'll see if anything changes. who knows. maybe it'll be the kick-in-the-pants i need to go see my GP or something...

Thanks again..

I know how hard it can be to open up to ppl, to come and start talking, how hard it can be to make new friends, even more when you are new somewhere where everyone knows each other.
I'll tell you what I always tell ppl in that situation - push yourself.
I am really shy, would much rather sit in my room than go outside with friends sometimes but over the years I pushed myself every now and then. I am not super outgoing now nor I have many friends but I have enough.

I know that I will never be that popular girl but I am proud of myself.
I'm sure that if you open up a bit, start chating whit ppl there that they will gladly talk to you, so head up and let ppl see you and your beauty.

If you ever need anything just write on my wall or whatever. :)