mrsparks
July 11th, 2013, 11:36 PM
In grade 3, my brother called me names such as "stupid" and "idiot" and generally didn't want to be with me at school. I took this as meaning that he didn't love me. So I began taking EVERYTHING my brother said as a personal attack against me, even though he actually LOVED me. We've had two serious talks, in which he confessed his love for me. In the first talk, he called me the "worst little brother ever" because of my delusions and whatnot.
Now I realize this: I was never the victim of his "abuse". He was the victim. I was the abuser.
I feel so lost now...so empty. I really don't know how I can wake up the next morning and go on with my day. My identity has pretty much been stolen. If those "personal attacks" were delusions...then what am I? How do I know if anything I thought I knew about myself, really is true? What if I was never the good guy in anything? What if I was ALWAYS the bad guy?
Now I realize this: I was never the victim of his "abuse". He was the victim. I was the abuser.
I feel so lost now...so empty. I really don't know how I can wake up the next morning and go on with my day. My identity has pretty much been stolen. If those "personal attacks" were delusions...then what am I? How do I know if anything I thought I knew about myself, really is true? What if I was never the good guy in anything? What if I was ALWAYS the bad guy?