My Story so far

[Green Arrow]

Warning: Reading glasses are suggested to be put on. Long story ahead.

Hi there, my name is Tom, I'm from the UK and I'm 17 years-old. You might have seen my post around on this forum in dribs and drabs but I haven't even told everyone my story so far. My story is yet to finish though and I'm sorry but it's proabaly going to be long on. Ever since I was about 10 I had feelings that I like guys and kinda pushed it to one side as I thought it was just I wanted to be friends with them and that I'll get attracted to girls later on. 3/4 years later hormones kicked in and i liked guys more and more and more! I was told by people at school that feelings like these were wrong and that if i were to have these feelings I would be even more hated that I already was (I'm kinda that shy kid that doesn't really say much, but that's a completely different story). This is when I started to hurt myself, no I didn't cut myself as I was too afraid of blood instead I found other ways, I used to have long baths and hold my breath as long as I possibly could almost drowning myself, I also used to hit myself and bruse myself. I don't know why I did it I just felt the need to somehow get rid of this horrible demon inside of me (my sexuality). After that I shut myself away from everyone and pushed all my friends away, but with this time to myself I did my research and found some helpful videos on YouTube similar to yours which is when I started to have faith in my sexuality. Then I had my real first crush when I was 15 im not gonna go into the details but let's just say that the guy that i had a crush on was giving out mixed signals and i decided to take a leap of faith which in turned out that he was just being friendly and in turn I ruined one of my best friendships ever. Probably one of the most biggest mistakes of my life so far.

Now skip to July 2012, I decided to tell my first friend that I was gay because by then I accepted that it is part of who I am and i couldn't change it. So I told my best friend and too my surprise he was cool with it and he helped me vent all my feelings which I explained above. He suggested that I told my parents and I said I wasn't ready but I said I'll tell them before Christmas. So skip again to September 2012, I had just started my college course and I was surrounded by new people and I wanted to be open with them and to be honest at first I was I tried to be the person that I was behind all of the lies I've been telling for so many years and I thought everything was going well, so I decided to tell my parents. As I walked home one day from seeing some friends I decided that tonight was going to be the night that I tell my mum and dad. I got home and I said to my mum that we should sit down and watch some TV as we hadn't in a while. I wanted to just talk to her about stuff before hand so it wasn't just rush in "I'm gay" rush out thing. I kept looking at the clock saying I'll tell her in an hour, I'll tell her in the break, I'll tell her when dad's out of the room and nearly as I was going to tell her she said im going to bed so she did. I followed her and I just lay by her and I said "i need to tell you something" and the replied "What? You haven't got anyone pregnant have you?" (typical mum I guess) I said "No, guess again" and she kept on guessing for about 10 mins or so then she just said "Just tell me". So I just did it I said "I'm gay" and she just blanked me and said "No you're not, it's just a phase you just haven't found the right girl yet". That crushed my confidence down into smitherines and the person that I wanted to be at college, was gone. I went to bed and cried the whole night. Ever since that day I haven't spoken a word about it to her, out of fear that she'll kick me out. I know she's told my dad because the day after he was giving me strange looks and such.

Since then I have told a few more of my friends and they know, though no one at college knows as there are quite a lot of homophobes over there and I'd rather not tell them if my parents aren't going to be there to back me up if I need them.

Right sorry about the venting and if you've managed to read through this without giving up, thank you. This site has really helped me because I have been to that dark place before, I'd rather not talk about it at the moment because it's rather personal subject as I'm sure you'll agree and know what I'm talking about. If you did read this all I want to know is what would you do in my situation now? I just don't know what to do. I want to be open with everyone but at the same time I don't because my parents probably won't accept me for who I am. I have now accepted me for who I am and I am proud that I've told a few people because some people on this earth go around and don't tell anyone about it and keep it bottled up inside.

Thank you for listening to all of the 933 word story I just wrote, sorry for any spelling mistakes or grammar mistakes, I'd rather not look back at what I said otherwise I'll make changes and delete things that are improtant to the story.

Tom

[answers-101]

you've gutta understand that you're parents don't control you. you make decisions for you, and noone can change how you feel about others. you're mum may believe that it's a phase and that's a natural way (i believe) for people to react to it. I've had that with a couple of my mates until they realised i was serious. you've gutta take your life into your own hands, and stop worrying about what other people think--- and certainly don't punish yourself for who you are. dare to be different! different is good :)

[Santiago1618]

I'd like to talk to you... Write me a message

[Morgoth42]

Good job for sharing your story. I'm sorry that it was so hard for you in the beggining. Feel free to message me and talk if you wan't.

[MrDrDude]

That is a big problem on your shoulders right now, but what would I do.......
1st, if I were gay, I wouldn't have told my parents until I had my own place, due to homophobic personalities, but since you did, hmmmmm......., I would see if you might be able to sleep at one of your mates' houses to let your parents cool down about the news.
2nd, about the people at college, I wouldn't tell them, so that means I wouldn't go off partying and getting drunk because you might let it slip.

Still, you have great friends if they took it as easily as they did because one of my friends is straighter than a board and would shut me out of his life if I told him I was gay, though I'm not(straight/curious maybe).

One last thing, don't hurt yourself over this, and don't make a big deal about it, because the more people in your school life that know, the more crap you have to go through. I was thinking in a scenario about if I told classmates at college, if it got out you could walk into a bathroom, someone recognizes you and knows you're gay, (don't know how to say this another way) starts shoving their penis down your throat, forcing you to give them a blowjob. That scenario is the last thing I would want to happen to me if I were gay, because things will surely go downhill from there.

[Hermes96]

i thorght you did well with telling your friends first so you have friends who can stand by you if you need them my advise is to try and talk to your parents i know from exsperince how hard it will be and i'm not gona lie it will be tough for a few days but in the end they can't do anything about the way you feel and no matter what they say they will love you no matter what just try not to stress and keep your friends close good luck

[Green Arrow]

Thanks guys, I just needed somewhere to vent aha x

That is a big problem on your shoulders right now, but what would I do.......
1st, if I were gay, I wouldn't have told my parents until I had my own place, due to homophobic personalities, but since you did, hmmmmm......., I would see if you might be able to sleep at one of your mates' houses to let your parents cool down about the news.
2nd, about the people at college, I wouldn't tell them, so that means I wouldn't go off partying and getting drunk because you might let it slip.

Still, you have great friends if they took it as easily as they did because one of my friends is straighter than a board and would shut me out of his life if I told him I was gay, though I'm not(straight/curious maybe).

One last thing, don't hurt yourself over this, and don't make a big deal about it, because the more people in your school life that know, the more crap you have to go through. I was thinking in a scenario about if I told classmates at college, if it got out you could walk into a bathroom, someone recognizes you and knows you're gay, (don't know how to say this another way) starts shoving their penis down your throat, forcing you to give them a blowjob. That scenario is the last thing I would want to happen to me if I were gay, because things will surely go downhill from there.

Thanks, I think will do that. I don't hurt myself anymore, it was a dark time in my life and I've never forgiven myself for it.

[Magnus Bane]

if you need to talk to anyone
message me and we can talk if you need any help.

[Cameron14]

I admire your courage. I haven't had the nerve yet.

[Green Arrow]

Thanks guys. :)

[Lovelife090994]

I wish I could run to you and hug saying "It'll be all right" but I can't so maybe this will help.

Be you, your parents have lives, you are youth and trying to live to live yours, if they hate is so what, you are their child first.

I am technically not the most sure person myself in fact I'm more like the character Becky from Degrassi, bubbly, innocent, Christian, strict parents, yet like her so many questions. I guess what I mean is please live our life. Now if your parents threaten to quick you out I'm afraid I don't know what to say, my own mother yelled it at me that she'd cut me off if she found out on anything not up to par with her about me so I'm a bit trapped. But you at least you have support.

Homophobes or not, not everyone agrees on things, so I wouldn't be so quick to label anyone who disagrees. Why? Because technically I disagree on homosexuality as well but I would never tell one to go get counseling nor would I call the person wrong, dirty or sinful, I only wish to help. I'm sure you can find many support groups. Wishing you luck!

[Josh from SoCal]

I admire your courage. I haven't had the nerve yet.

Me either. But the more I read on VT, the more courage I'm getting to come out to my friends then my parents. With so many brave and sharing people on VT, I've started to get my courage up to be who I am and to stop hiding from it.