EmptySoul
July 10th, 2013, 06:40 AM
* teh questionsa re gonna be bolded to make it easier to descern it from the rest of my rant thing :)
SO the other day my boyfriend and I were on our way back from the city on the train and my arm was really itchy so i was scrathcing at it really hard, so my boyfriend was trying to distract me or something as was like lightly scratching it, then he traced over some of my SH scars and was like 'suspicious' (thats al he said) it was realy late at night and i was falling asleep and i couldn't be bothered saying anything to deny it, also at the time i ddin't really care about my scars, so i just shrugged. the thing is he only say like 3 of the cuts that were really close together and looked more like my cat had scratched me or somthing as they were really faint and sort of curved, but he didn't see the ones just one the more inner part of my forearm so i don't know if he has you know 'cottoned on' to the fact that I self harm.
Since then, it was like 2 weeks ago now, I have cut more and they are slightly deeper so the lines are straiter. However, I don't want to always have to cover my arm when I see him coz I love him and trust him, but in the past before i first started cutting he made a coment, about a long scratch on my arm that i had gotten earlier in the day when my friend grabbed me in a hug from behind and my plastic folder thing got dragged down my arm. He made a joke and said 'I diidn't know you were into self harm', even though he was there at the time i got the scratch. So now i'm worried that he will flip and think i'm a freak if he finds out that I do SH. What should I do? and if i tell him, how do i? What is the best way to approach it?
We have been together for just over 3 years since April this year, but i only started SH last year i think it was, and when i stopped which was for almost 6 months, i had never told him that i did. The scars he saw 2 weeks ago were from the previous week when i relapsed for the second time since i stopped though the cuts actually pearced the skin that time so that was why the marks were still on my arm. What do i do if i tell him coz atm i have quite a few and they look pretty bad for somebody who doesn't SH or know what i'm going through atm at home. Will he react really badly if he the scars he sees now are so much worse thanthe ones he saw then, coz the ones he originally saw at the time were minimal in numbers, but now i have like 20+ scars/cuts on my arm. SHould i wait to tell him when the new cuts have started to scar so tha thtey aren't as prominant and confronting, will that make it any easier for him to understand, coz i really don't want to lose him he is my rock and one of the only good things that make me smile when i get upset and angry at things like my parents or my older sister who is a bully (yeah i no callign my sister a bullywhen i'm nearly 17 sounds childish but i don't cre she does bully me so htat what i call her).
Also i have never really been that good at expressing my feelings so i tend to take the blunt approach and say it like i see it, (i have ADHD so my paretns always tell me that i am being really aggressive when i no how i am feleign and am in fact just lsigtly pissed at somethign) so Idon't want to say it in such a way that it just sounds dismissive or like I don't care (i reacently said it like that to a friend who found out last year i cut and he just looked at me liek wtf this is serious, though he had a slightly innocent approach (he doen' really get the whole SH thing) to it and kept telling me go talk to the school psych itl help, eve when i told him that will mean my parents find out and they are siome of the problems and reaons behid my cutting, so i just steared clear of the convo). I don't want to say it to my boyfriend in a way that soudns like i don't care or that i don't know that SH isn't healthy, but i don't feel ashamed of my scars or my cuts becasue i don't see any reaasn to be they are a part of me, but will he take it the wrong way or see it as somethign to be ashamed of and decide that im crazy and leave me?
Please help i have no idea what to do.
* also i know that i need to stop cutting mut atm with all of the stress in my life and the fact that i cant expresss my emotions to my paretns or a friend without being told to chill out and calm down isnt really helping hte situation. Epsecially coz when i am (in my opppinion calmly though sligtly aggitated, in expressign myself) people take it the wrong way and thik that i am getting supper mad or something.
* again sorry for the rant in between i'm just really worried about his raction.
ANY IMPUT AT AL WILL BE MUCH APPRECIATED :)
SO the other day my boyfriend and I were on our way back from the city on the train and my arm was really itchy so i was scrathcing at it really hard, so my boyfriend was trying to distract me or something as was like lightly scratching it, then he traced over some of my SH scars and was like 'suspicious' (thats al he said) it was realy late at night and i was falling asleep and i couldn't be bothered saying anything to deny it, also at the time i ddin't really care about my scars, so i just shrugged. the thing is he only say like 3 of the cuts that were really close together and looked more like my cat had scratched me or somthing as they were really faint and sort of curved, but he didn't see the ones just one the more inner part of my forearm so i don't know if he has you know 'cottoned on' to the fact that I self harm.
Since then, it was like 2 weeks ago now, I have cut more and they are slightly deeper so the lines are straiter. However, I don't want to always have to cover my arm when I see him coz I love him and trust him, but in the past before i first started cutting he made a coment, about a long scratch on my arm that i had gotten earlier in the day when my friend grabbed me in a hug from behind and my plastic folder thing got dragged down my arm. He made a joke and said 'I diidn't know you were into self harm', even though he was there at the time i got the scratch. So now i'm worried that he will flip and think i'm a freak if he finds out that I do SH. What should I do? and if i tell him, how do i? What is the best way to approach it?
We have been together for just over 3 years since April this year, but i only started SH last year i think it was, and when i stopped which was for almost 6 months, i had never told him that i did. The scars he saw 2 weeks ago were from the previous week when i relapsed for the second time since i stopped though the cuts actually pearced the skin that time so that was why the marks were still on my arm. What do i do if i tell him coz atm i have quite a few and they look pretty bad for somebody who doesn't SH or know what i'm going through atm at home. Will he react really badly if he the scars he sees now are so much worse thanthe ones he saw then, coz the ones he originally saw at the time were minimal in numbers, but now i have like 20+ scars/cuts on my arm. SHould i wait to tell him when the new cuts have started to scar so tha thtey aren't as prominant and confronting, will that make it any easier for him to understand, coz i really don't want to lose him he is my rock and one of the only good things that make me smile when i get upset and angry at things like my parents or my older sister who is a bully (yeah i no callign my sister a bullywhen i'm nearly 17 sounds childish but i don't cre she does bully me so htat what i call her).
Also i have never really been that good at expressing my feelings so i tend to take the blunt approach and say it like i see it, (i have ADHD so my paretns always tell me that i am being really aggressive when i no how i am feleign and am in fact just lsigtly pissed at somethign) so Idon't want to say it in such a way that it just sounds dismissive or like I don't care (i reacently said it like that to a friend who found out last year i cut and he just looked at me liek wtf this is serious, though he had a slightly innocent approach (he doen' really get the whole SH thing) to it and kept telling me go talk to the school psych itl help, eve when i told him that will mean my parents find out and they are siome of the problems and reaons behid my cutting, so i just steared clear of the convo). I don't want to say it to my boyfriend in a way that soudns like i don't care or that i don't know that SH isn't healthy, but i don't feel ashamed of my scars or my cuts becasue i don't see any reaasn to be they are a part of me, but will he take it the wrong way or see it as somethign to be ashamed of and decide that im crazy and leave me?
Please help i have no idea what to do.
* also i know that i need to stop cutting mut atm with all of the stress in my life and the fact that i cant expresss my emotions to my paretns or a friend without being told to chill out and calm down isnt really helping hte situation. Epsecially coz when i am (in my opppinion calmly though sligtly aggitated, in expressign myself) people take it the wrong way and thik that i am getting supper mad or something.
* again sorry for the rant in between i'm just really worried about his raction.
ANY IMPUT AT AL WILL BE MUCH APPRECIATED :)