1_21Guns
July 8th, 2013, 04:00 PM
I should be happy, why can't I just feel happy again, why don't I know what happy feels like any more, what did I ever do to deserve this living hell inside my head?
I've practically lost my appetite again, and I'm ashamed to say I'm glad I have, I think my ED is creeping back out of its shitty little hell hole, probably the killing blow after everything else this year.
The days grow shorter and the nights grow longer even though it's the middle of summer, days seem to go by in a haze, but the nights won't let me rest. I'm having strange dreams again, it's only a matter of time before the really bad ones start.
I'm a time bomb, sat on a waiting list for counselling which I doubt will help my condition in any way shape or form. I want to cut, I want to hurt. I want it all to go away. I want this year to disappear. I want to change so many stupid decisions I made so very much. Decisions that broke me, realisations that destroyed me, a relationship that nearly ended me.
I'm lucky to have one strength at the moment, probably the only thing keeping my feeble body and mind fighting on, my boyfriend. I fear if I sink back into that nightmare though, it'll scare him off, I can't put anyone through that, I couldn't.
I'm just so tired of this war. Every day I grow weaker. I told the doctor that I still felt happy, but now I think about it it's all just a façade, a flimsy disaster, while I'm sure I do still feel at least better sometimes, perhaps even happy, most of the time it's this self destructive monster.
I don't know what to do.
I've practically lost my appetite again, and I'm ashamed to say I'm glad I have, I think my ED is creeping back out of its shitty little hell hole, probably the killing blow after everything else this year.
The days grow shorter and the nights grow longer even though it's the middle of summer, days seem to go by in a haze, but the nights won't let me rest. I'm having strange dreams again, it's only a matter of time before the really bad ones start.
I'm a time bomb, sat on a waiting list for counselling which I doubt will help my condition in any way shape or form. I want to cut, I want to hurt. I want it all to go away. I want this year to disappear. I want to change so many stupid decisions I made so very much. Decisions that broke me, realisations that destroyed me, a relationship that nearly ended me.
I'm lucky to have one strength at the moment, probably the only thing keeping my feeble body and mind fighting on, my boyfriend. I fear if I sink back into that nightmare though, it'll scare him off, I can't put anyone through that, I couldn't.
I'm just so tired of this war. Every day I grow weaker. I told the doctor that I still felt happy, but now I think about it it's all just a façade, a flimsy disaster, while I'm sure I do still feel at least better sometimes, perhaps even happy, most of the time it's this self destructive monster.
I don't know what to do.