dreaminthemountains
July 6th, 2013, 11:24 PM
I'll start off by saying that I'm 17. Aside from some anger issues when I was around 10, and a general feeling of inadequacy since I was young, I've always been happy. Even if I wasn't cheerful, I was hopeful.
But within the last couple of months, I'm losing all of that. My brother, the athlete, goes to a different school and has a higher GPA. My classes are more difficult, so my grades are lower, but that doesn't matter to my parents, they still brag about him. I just feel like I've lost the one thing I was good at, and all my friends think I'm annoying for feeling this way. I can't have a bad moment around anyone without them saying, "but your GPA is higher than mine".
On top of that, my bio-parents divorced, and my bio-dad is proving to not care anything about his ex or his kids. I hate seeing that they are in so much pain, and he's so mad at his ex because I don't text him, but he hasn't brought the issue up to me. All he wants of me is to use me to have an excuse to get mad at his ex.
The other night, when my mom was drinking, she forced herself into our only bathroom while I was showering to pee. She yelled at me for keeping the light on and when I asked her to turn it on when she left, she yelled that I never think of her, and slammed the door. I was just so shocked that all that I was feeling, all the apathy an disappointment overwhelmed me. When I cried, I felt like it wasn't coming out, and would get stuck in my chest. When I tried to stop crying, I couldn't stop hyperventilating and actually passed out. When I woke up, I felt like I needed to cry more, and that hasn't left. I miss the hope. I miss how these feelings used to be fleeting, just a moment before I told myself that it would change. But now, it's not stopping. Sleep doesn't help. I can barely force myself out of my house, even though I know my brother judges me for staying in so much. It just makes me feel worse.
I don't know these feelings. I don't know what situation I'm in. It seems like no matter what, they always come back.
I feel so worthless. Even so, I've only thought of suicide once. But something about me is willing to feel this way for decades instead. It scares me to think that I might feel this way for the rest of my life.
But within the last couple of months, I'm losing all of that. My brother, the athlete, goes to a different school and has a higher GPA. My classes are more difficult, so my grades are lower, but that doesn't matter to my parents, they still brag about him. I just feel like I've lost the one thing I was good at, and all my friends think I'm annoying for feeling this way. I can't have a bad moment around anyone without them saying, "but your GPA is higher than mine".
On top of that, my bio-parents divorced, and my bio-dad is proving to not care anything about his ex or his kids. I hate seeing that they are in so much pain, and he's so mad at his ex because I don't text him, but he hasn't brought the issue up to me. All he wants of me is to use me to have an excuse to get mad at his ex.
The other night, when my mom was drinking, she forced herself into our only bathroom while I was showering to pee. She yelled at me for keeping the light on and when I asked her to turn it on when she left, she yelled that I never think of her, and slammed the door. I was just so shocked that all that I was feeling, all the apathy an disappointment overwhelmed me. When I cried, I felt like it wasn't coming out, and would get stuck in my chest. When I tried to stop crying, I couldn't stop hyperventilating and actually passed out. When I woke up, I felt like I needed to cry more, and that hasn't left. I miss the hope. I miss how these feelings used to be fleeting, just a moment before I told myself that it would change. But now, it's not stopping. Sleep doesn't help. I can barely force myself out of my house, even though I know my brother judges me for staying in so much. It just makes me feel worse.
I don't know these feelings. I don't know what situation I'm in. It seems like no matter what, they always come back.
I feel so worthless. Even so, I've only thought of suicide once. But something about me is willing to feel this way for decades instead. It scares me to think that I might feel this way for the rest of my life.