dreaminthemountains
July 6th, 2013, 10:34 PM
I've known life is never easy since I was little. To tell the truth, I don't want it to be easy - that'd be too boring for me. I can't help but have these strange emotions that I'm sure others are feeling but can't share. Considering I don't really trust any of my friends enough to share this, and I'm not close to my parents, I hope that I can learn from you guys and hopefully contribute to your happier lives.
This year was rough. As a junior in a college-prep high school, the pressure was on. And I was prepared to get three hours of sleep a night and to fail all my tests in AP, but school was my sanctuary. It was the place where I ignored all the annoying cliques and found a few friends to make my love of learning a joy. It was the place that I could routinely go to get away from home. But, when Sandy hit, and my teachers became three thousand times more stressed as we spent a month away from our materials in a relocation, I slowly lost that.
Later, my personal life, which was arguably good, if unstable, began to deteriorate. I'm adopted, which was nothing special when I was growing up. I was too concerned with my father's apathy and mother's drinking. Still, I always felt indebted to them, because truthfully, who knows where I could've been had I not been taken to my home 17 years ago. I wasn't so great at hiding the fact that I hate my mother's drinking, and quite frankly, when I look back at how strangely aggressive I was, it scares me. Since middle school though, I haven't been upset with them, even as their self-control has diminished. And I am really lucky that I never suffered from heavy mood swings, self-harm or any of that. I always just assumed that when I was 18, I was free from them and could be on my own.
However, the closer I get to that day, the more I'm feeling down. My parents marriage, although strong on 30 years, is empty in relationship. The screaming and fighting is old and the disgust I feel when I hear it, when they drag me into it, it just makes me want to never enter my house. My mom's drinking is getting worse, and now she's openly smoking pot. This may seem childish, but I preferred it when it was a secret. All my attempts to stop her, get her help in coping just lead to her getting mad at me. Last time I tried to tell someone, CPS was called and now I'm sure she blames me for humiliating her. It's just one vicious cycle. My dad is gone because he doesn't want to be around her when she complains, and she drinks because he's not there. They've tried to tell me that they love each other, but my mom has also told me that she hates my father and it's just financially convenient that they stay together. Half the time I really just don't know how I'm feeling or what I'm feeling, but I'm certain that I don't want to hold any resentment when I get older.
Anyway, I'm new. And that was practically a novel. Goodnight guys.
This year was rough. As a junior in a college-prep high school, the pressure was on. And I was prepared to get three hours of sleep a night and to fail all my tests in AP, but school was my sanctuary. It was the place where I ignored all the annoying cliques and found a few friends to make my love of learning a joy. It was the place that I could routinely go to get away from home. But, when Sandy hit, and my teachers became three thousand times more stressed as we spent a month away from our materials in a relocation, I slowly lost that.
Later, my personal life, which was arguably good, if unstable, began to deteriorate. I'm adopted, which was nothing special when I was growing up. I was too concerned with my father's apathy and mother's drinking. Still, I always felt indebted to them, because truthfully, who knows where I could've been had I not been taken to my home 17 years ago. I wasn't so great at hiding the fact that I hate my mother's drinking, and quite frankly, when I look back at how strangely aggressive I was, it scares me. Since middle school though, I haven't been upset with them, even as their self-control has diminished. And I am really lucky that I never suffered from heavy mood swings, self-harm or any of that. I always just assumed that when I was 18, I was free from them and could be on my own.
However, the closer I get to that day, the more I'm feeling down. My parents marriage, although strong on 30 years, is empty in relationship. The screaming and fighting is old and the disgust I feel when I hear it, when they drag me into it, it just makes me want to never enter my house. My mom's drinking is getting worse, and now she's openly smoking pot. This may seem childish, but I preferred it when it was a secret. All my attempts to stop her, get her help in coping just lead to her getting mad at me. Last time I tried to tell someone, CPS was called and now I'm sure she blames me for humiliating her. It's just one vicious cycle. My dad is gone because he doesn't want to be around her when she complains, and she drinks because he's not there. They've tried to tell me that they love each other, but my mom has also told me that she hates my father and it's just financially convenient that they stay together. Half the time I really just don't know how I'm feeling or what I'm feeling, but I'm certain that I don't want to hold any resentment when I get older.
Anyway, I'm new. And that was practically a novel. Goodnight guys.