How can this end? Advice?

[david_101]

I think I have depression or something of the sorts..
For the past few months i have just been feeling so down. I'm not looking forward to the future. I feel as if there's no hope. When i sit down and actually think about having to go through more long days feeling like this i feel overwhelmed. my chest gets tight and i just don't want to go on anymore. I don't even know how to describe it. I feel dead inside. I don't care about much. It feels like im in a long dark never-ending tunnel. I cut myself. I've cut my eating by a lot. I've even forced myself to throw up after eating a few times in the past 2 weeks. I've sat throught many nights thinking of suicide--how i could do it, when i would do it, could i get myself to even attempt. I dream about being someone else. I want to be someone else so badly. This is actually really weird--I'm really embarrassed-- but I'm obsessed with creating fake profiles online. I do it on and off... just to escape from my own life.. to be someone else. haha it's weird. it's evil to the people i effect. it's sad... I'm trying to stop. I deleted them again. But sadly it's the only thing that makes me happy when im alone... hobbies of mine don't interst me anymore. i can't read, draw, listen to music, or play with apps without my mind wondering off. I have to be occupied to be happy. I love to go to work, surprisingly. when i go out with friends and family makes me really happy too. I have to keep my mind busy. I can't sit there and let my mind wonder. Then all i do is think about how much i hate myself. Id either go be a freak online or i'll hurt myself. All im doing is wasting time and it makes me feel worse.
I have a strange life at home. Its a very complex situation with my mother. She suffers from bipolar, depression, and anxiety... so maybe something was passed down. She does this thing too where she makes up stuff to escape her life. She cheats on my dad and manipulates men. she makes up crazy thing about her life. She steals, and she takes less responsibility in our house than i do. She manipulates us. its hard to explain and it would take me forever to even try..

I want to talk to my dad. but i seriously am extremely shy and reserved. i don't know how to start what to say. he has noticed my change in behavior though.
We are in a really tight spot and if i would ask for therapy i don't know if we could afford it.

I'm not a kid seeking attention. I never told anyone. This isn't just a temporary dramatic phase. I know this feeling is real and it won't leave.

I just want it to end. (sorry it's lengthy i need to vent)

[ImCoolBeans]

Talk to your dad. Your parents are typically the people in your life who will be willing to hear whatever it is you have to say. Whether you can afford the therapy you want or not, he should be ready and willing to help you -- and since you haven't said any reasons why he wouldn't I think you should give it a try. Asking for help is a big step, and even preparing yourself to do it takes a bit of courage. You've expressed the desire to get better and to take steps towards that you should speak to your dad. Taking your mom's condition into consideration, he may be more helpful and knowledgable than you imagine him to be. I think he'll only want to help you however he can.