Am I even allowed here?

[Confused Mom]

Hi,

I feel a bit like an intruder - sorry if I am. I am a mom seeking advice from teenagers about my 14 year old son. I have not been a teenager for a while, and obviously never been a teenage boy.. yet trying to learn how to be a better parent for him. May I stay here for a while? Normally, I'd ask the mods, but can't find the contact info here.. and so I figured, the mods will find me soon enough and ban me if I don't belong here. If they do, no hard feelings, I do understand that teens want and need their adult-free hangout on the 'net, just like we do; links to places where teens do come to talk to adults would be much appreciated then.

But then, the forum is open to the world, and so adults do read it.. maybe occasional and respectful posts can be allowed on the case by case basis?

Here is the situation with my kid. He is 14, lives with his father far out of state, comes to me for summer breaks. He's been diagnosed with ADHD and, more or less, oppositional-defiant disorder.. which is to say, been angry with me over my divorce with his Dad and pretty vengeful. Which is why I eventually had to send him to Dad, hoping he'll be happier there, with the male role model and all. He is doing much better: he now has good grades, friends, good social status and, most importantly, a girlfriend. Does not get along with his Dad though. Even wishes his Dad to die at moments of anger. So now he misses his gf terribly and is walking all over me, deliberately pushing my buttons in protest of him being away from her. He is laying in bed all day texting her, refusing to interact with us, and is very rude and self-centered when he does interact.

I feel I am losing him. Had not seen him in a year, been counting days until his return, and now this. I want to connect a bit, and make this summer bearable for all of us. What do I do?

Here is question #1. He demans an iPhone 5 for his birthday, saying that 4/5 of kids in his grade have it. Really? It's an expensive gadget, I can't afford one for myself.. I am not rich.. and it puts me off that he demands it, instead of asking, and acting obnoxious while at it. Is it true that most 8-graders going 9 grade have iPhone 5, and not having it is such an enormous problem? I could get him a used iPhone 4s, but he would not have it.. advice?

Question #2. When at Apple Store talking about iPhones (on his day 1 with me), I hugged him and said: "I see this matters to you a lot, and anything that is important to my boy is important to me". His answer was: "Jesus Christ, stop treating me like an (expletive) baby!" What am I missing? Is this such a terribly wrong thing to say to a teen? Would you be offended if your mom said that to you? I am at my wits end.. I don't know how to communicate to him. It's like I have a whole new language to learn in these 2 months. How do I do that, without any exposure to his peers at all? And then, I can not even talk the way his peers do, that's uncool, too, even if accidental, even if I talked that way before he was born.. so how in the world am I expected to talk?? Arggh.

I have tons of questions, but this is it for starters. Thank you guys for reading so far. Would appreciate any advice a lot. In case I am allowed here, please point me out to a branch of the forum where I can post a question or ten.

Thank you

[Austins]

You need to stop babying your son. That is the first step NO child should bad mouth their mother, and no mother should allow it. That is part of the reason he is disrespecting you. Everyone goes through divorce but that is NO EXCUSE! and if you cannot afford an iphone 5? Don't do it. ESPECIALLY if he demands it. You need to take the first step and take a stand for yourself

[Jevon]

I'm sorry but did you ever discipline your son???and you should start with taking his phone away from him and tell him that he needs to not disrespect you or his dad...and should just be happy with what he does have...if I ever did that to my mom she would pop me in the mout no matter where we were...so you really need to make sure that he knows you are in control and that he is privileged to have the phone he has now...so as I already stated I would start with taking away his phone and any other technology he has until he starts to realize oh maybe I should be respectful

[Confused Mom]

Thank you all.

So this is our day 3 together. First, I walked in on my younger child, to find out he was playing Minecraft when not allowed. While I was talking to him about the consequences (the computer taken away), my 14 year old walked in and started lecturing me, in front of his little brother, how lying under the circumstances is human nature and if I don't want him to lie, I should not limit his Minecraft. I asked him to leave. He went back to bed. I sort of had to impose a harsher penalty on his little brother to compensate for the bad influence.

After a while, we were all in his bedroom talking fairly civilly about abstract philosophical matters; his friend texted him in the middle of a conversation and he'd cling to the phone for dear life, ignoring me - something I had asked him not to do. The policy I want for texting is this: if he and his friends are in the middle of a conversation, I try not to interrupt without a good reason; if he and I are in the middle of a conversation, he tries not to interrupt and go texting in the middle of a conversation, unless there is a good reason. Fair? He sort of agreed to that and then would stick his nose into his phone again.

After getting his nose unstuck, I asked him when he is getting out of bed, and he said "Whenever I feel like it". I said, if he is talking like that, he is getting in bed in 30 minutes, and set the timer. He said: "Don't expect a happy summer then". I said, we can all be happy this summer, or we can all be miserable, and if he does not negotiate, I'd have to no choice but pull rank and boss him around. He said I am not a roommate and he does not have to negotiate with me, and that, since I gave him 30 minutes, would I please leave.

I am feeling this is going to be a fun summer. Comments?

[Confused Mom]

You need to stop babying your son.

What do you mean? How am I babying him? By calling him "my boy", or by not "popping him in the mouth"? His awful behavior aside, is it offensive or diminishing for a mother to call a 14 year old "my boy"?

I know I have to discipline him, but I am now a "Disneyland mom" who only sees him for school breaks, if I am lucky. His life has been hard, he's been through a lot, and I mostly want to connect. I don't want to alienate him any further; but tolerating this behavior does not seem like a viable option either. Help?

[Professional Russian]

OK I might seem like the biggest asshole around but here I go. He wants a phone? You tell him to get a job and buy one himself. If he wants something unless its necessary tell him to go make the money and buy it himself. I've never had anything I wanted after I turned 10 bought for me. I had to make the money to get it. Stop babying him tell him if he wants something to buy it himself.

[Austins]

What do you mean? How am I babying him? By calling him "my boy", or by not "popping him in the mouth"? His awful behavior aside, is it offensive or diminishing for a mother to call a 14 year old "my boy"?

I know I have to discipline him, but I am now a "Disneyland mom" who only sees him for school breaks, if I am lucky. His life has been hard, he's been through a lot, and I mostly want to connect. I don't want to alienate him any further; but tolerating this behavior does not seem like a viable option either. Help?

Not hitting him and calling him your boy isn't "babying him" That was my fault for not clarification, you are babying him by allowing him to do these acts without any discipline whatsoever. Just because you are the "disneyland mom" does not make him any less your child and he should follow your appeal to authority. Everyone has a hard life it doesn't give an excuse to talk like that to your mother. Babying him is justifying his actions towards you. I'm sorry but a mother who cannot control her own son will never be a full mother to him. Just a person to boss around. and there is NOTHING wrong with calling your son my boy. You being a caring mother and being affectionate is NOT babying your son. But justifying the bad deeds is.

[TheMatrix]

OP Banned...
:locked: