CyanideGoodnight
July 1st, 2013, 10:33 AM
My stomach drops.
My heart skips a beat,
or two.
And suddenly I’m stunned into silence;
my eyes widen,
maybe to show the shock,
maybe to try to take it in.
The smile that was not even three seconds ago,
shining bright on my face,
disappears, replaced instead by
a gaping, open mouth, lips twitching,
like a fish out of water might do.
I feel sick and trapped,
like I’m in a cage and the walls are closing around me.
My mind panics and tells me to get out out out,
but my body is paralyzed with fear
or shock.
So I sit there and stare and try not to panic TOO much and wait.
I look away and remove the offending image from my computer.
Images pop up in my head and memories flow through.
I think,
I think that my brain is trying to purge him from it’s memory banks.
I think it’s trying desperately to get rid of him forever.
Or maybe it has a bin specifically for him,
filled with everything he ever did.
And maybe,
Just maybe,
it’s so full that there’s not much room in there left,
so when my brain tries to put a new piece of offending material in,
other things pop out.
I don’t know.
All I know is that whenever I see his face,
Or hear his name,
I panic, remember, and freeze.
And when my brain is done,
doing whatever it is it’s trying to do,
I’m left feeling vulnerable and exposed.
As if he didn’t do that enough to me when we were dating.
My heart skips a beat,
or two.
And suddenly I’m stunned into silence;
my eyes widen,
maybe to show the shock,
maybe to try to take it in.
The smile that was not even three seconds ago,
shining bright on my face,
disappears, replaced instead by
a gaping, open mouth, lips twitching,
like a fish out of water might do.
I feel sick and trapped,
like I’m in a cage and the walls are closing around me.
My mind panics and tells me to get out out out,
but my body is paralyzed with fear
or shock.
So I sit there and stare and try not to panic TOO much and wait.
I look away and remove the offending image from my computer.
Images pop up in my head and memories flow through.
I think,
I think that my brain is trying to purge him from it’s memory banks.
I think it’s trying desperately to get rid of him forever.
Or maybe it has a bin specifically for him,
filled with everything he ever did.
And maybe,
Just maybe,
it’s so full that there’s not much room in there left,
so when my brain tries to put a new piece of offending material in,
other things pop out.
I don’t know.
All I know is that whenever I see his face,
Or hear his name,
I panic, remember, and freeze.
And when my brain is done,
doing whatever it is it’s trying to do,
I’m left feeling vulnerable and exposed.
As if he didn’t do that enough to me when we were dating.