I just need to rant

[Silent Tears]

I've posted a few times, and I feel I must again. I've been mysterious with my posts.. but I have to get this out. My father molested me. When I was little, I didn't know any better. When I turned 12, I realized it wasn't right. But, my feelings didn't matter. This turned me into a lesbian. In 2012, he got drunk and told me he was in love with me. His pressuring for sex got worse. When I started to say no, he would drink, get suicidal, say mean things to me, and pressured me into doing sexual things. He made me feel like if I didn't comply, that he would kill himself. He even pressured me into drinking alcohol once.(To try to have sex with me) Worst night of my life. The thought of alcohol makes me want to puke. Every time he made me do things with him, I would complain about feeling pain so he would stop. He never actually had sex with me, but he did plenty of other things he shouldn't have.

I don't have any family, other than him. He was the last person I had. I was such a Daddy's girl... and he took advantage of that. He took away my innocence. He manipulated me. Just like everyone else. He knew what a krap childhood I had, and he still did it.

I'm homeschoooled, and he refuses to teach me to drive, let me get a job, or have any friends. He constantly threatens to take away my computer, and my dog. He makes me do everything around the house. Everyday, I hate him more. Everyday, I want to run away. For some reason, I still care about him. That's why I can't tell anyone, in real life.

Every night, I have flash backs of what happened(It's been about 6 months since anything serious happened) I push any "straight thoughts" out, I avoid sleeping because that's when the flashbacks come back. I cry myself to sleep, almost every night. I want out. I want out so bad. And, I can't. I hate my life. I hate it so much. My life isn't supposed to be like this. Everyone else gets a family. Why am I not allowed to have anyone? I don't have anyone! This isn't fair :( I'm only 16. I'm supposed to have friends, and worry about pimples, and have a boyfriend or something. This isn't fair... Am I a horrible person? Why does everything I have turn so horrible? I don't understand :(

[ajp1993]

You're not a horrible person. And you certainly don't deserve this. Have you any aunts or uncles you could stay with or something. Your dad definitely needs help, the problem is getting him it...
As for yourself, you know we as a community, are here to talk to whenever you need. The fact you're still here shows your strength of character though :) Keep on fighting, things will get better in time

[ForeverTwelve]

I know it's tough. You need to make a decision: which is worse, staying in your current situation, or getting out and into the unknown? I can't say that I've walked in your shoes, but I've walked a similar path. It might be really tough to leave what you know, and that guaranteed security. But if you stay, nothing will change. It might even get worse. If you take the first step, a leap of faith, find a way out, things will be different, and hopefully better, and you can begin to heal. God Bless.

[Silent Tears]

I've managed to avoid the situation for about 6 months, so far. Ever since he pressured me into drinking, last Decemeber....

If it goes back to him drinking every night, pressuring me for sex again... I'll tell someone then. I just can't, right now. I'm not ready to tell anyone. If he never tries anything again, I won't tell anyone. I'll just move out the first chance I get.

Question: If it does happen, would it be a good idea to warn him? Say something like "If you try to make me have sex with you, I will tell someone." Or something like that? Because, I'm afraid he'll go back to trying to kill himself. I wish I didn't care about him. Then, it wouldn't hurt so much.

[ForeverTwelve]

I may be wrong, but I wouldn't give him any warning. Like you said, he might start threatening suicide, or he could get violent with you (I don't know him, no offense). Just tell the police, and tell them that he is suicidal.

His threatening of suicide is manipulation which is emotional abuse, and he's using it to control you.

[Overture Libra]

Aww, that's so terrible ):

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the reason you hate yourself is because you feel you can't help your dad and that you're still so connected with him. You're not a bad person whatsoever. If anything, you're an even greater person for having such a big heart. You care for him even after all the pain he's caused and all the trauma he's given you, and that's insane. I'm so sorry that you're being taken advantage of like that, and reading through your story really hit me in the heart.

I've never dealt with any sort of abuse, at least not near as severe as that, thank goodness; but I feel you do need to get some sort of help. It doesn't have to be professional, not at all, but just as simple as having more support. You can lose sight of things in the midst of a situation like that when you have no one there for you to lean on, and that's the very harsh and sad reality. I don't know any sort of permanent, immediate solution to ending the problem, but I do know that no matter what happens, things can always be fixed.

I know for a fact that the memories will always be there, the flashbacks will stay for a long time, and you'll have the trauma linger over you for a long time after it's all over, but that doesn't mean you can't heal from it, either. There will, inevitably, be scars that will never fade, but you can control the extent of the damage that has been done. One thing that never helps is the loneliness. I know for a fact that I'm here for you if you ever need a helping hand and I'd love to do as much as I can to support you, and I'm sure there are plenty of other people here that feel the same way as well.

I'm sorry I can't offer any immediate advice on what to do with your situation, but I want to at least help a little in alleviating your stress. Just stay strong, I'm sure things will clear up soon. :)

[LunarScorpio]

What has been said is the best.

However, it is probably best to let someone know, say that it has happened but not for six months.

If he does do it again, well, I think the authorities are the answer

[Silent Tears]

Thanks, everyone for replying. Gave me some stuff to think about. It helped to get it out, and vent a little.

[handle with care]

im sorry to hear this if you need to talk just message me i can relate as i was to molested when i was a very small child and it traumatized me i can't remember most of my life and beleive me when i say no one deserves to suffer like you are or like i did

[Silent Tears]

~Wanting to rant again~

I hate it here! Everyday, I get yelled at about how I'm lazy and never do anything. I do the cooking, the cleaning, and he never does a thing for himself! I have to do EVERYTHING! He also yells at me about my "attitude problem" and constantly threatens to take away my stuff. If I so much as breath wrong, he yells at me about my attitude, and threatens to take away stuff. Like, What the fuck? It's bad enough, that he hurt me so much, but now I have to deal with this? The earliest I MIGHT be able to learn to drive(and get a job) is February of NEXT year. I feel I'm in prison.

[ajp1993]

You have no other family you might be able to live with?