My Relationship

[pieman10]

Hello all, I have a bit of a problem that I hope someone can help me with. This problem is about my relationship although I think it is down to my own insecurities. Just so everyone understands my relationship im going to tell you everything from the beginning.

I go to the English army cadets, this kind of youth organisation has rules and regulations like the army and is also full of different people, while I was away at camp this boy was trying to get with a girl who had a boyfriend, the girl seemed confused about her different feelings and I privately labeled her a slut ( I know that that is bad).

A few months later and im at a first aid course with other cadets including the aforementioned girl. She is the prettiest girl ive ever seen, blonde with a figure that I love ( not skinny or fat ). We both have mutual friends and we got talking, oddly enough we started poking each other to pass the time and she makes me feel happy after being rejected by another girl a few months before. ( she proves me wrong about me thinking she is a slut, and im glad she did)

A few weeks pass of us talking and meeting up, we seem to have good chemistry.
We have a small fight and she ends up going out with her abusive ex for a few days, she breaks up with him after she realises what she's done and we make up and eventually we start our relationship.

The thing I love is that we could talk about anything ( like her cycle or my insecurities ) , we both would go on each others phones and laugh at each other's messages.

A few months pass and we start doing sexual stuff ( not sex though ), we both seemed to enjoy it. But we both agree not to tell anyone about it, it was our first time doing anything like that and we don't want anyone to know.

A few more weeks go by and we start having sex ( with a condom ), we both seemed to enjoy it but eventually she skipped a period, we both panicked and worry. I started getting a bit nasty and I started telling her to get a test which she did, and it was negative. She eventually gets back on track with her period.

The thing is that we both kinda drifted apart ( because of the skipped period and beacuse of the way I acted)

At cadets she gets on the shooting team and she goes away for a few weeks, when she returns she wants sex even though I don't and she gets very mad. She gets a notification on her phone from a guy ( I will refer to him as him ), she says that it was a instructor and I drop it.

The next morning I notice that HIM has liked her Facebook status, I realised that she lied to me and I asked her for the messages and theres stuff about her missing him and about then holding hands, and hugging and falling asleep on each other. She was also dirty talking with another guy about them having sex in the toilets. It breaks my heart and I break up with her. Him asks her our immediately but she turns him down and we get back together again. This happens again until the relationship stabilises and we end up happy ( I think ), we both seemed to enjoy having sex more.

I then stumble upon the messages that they sent when we were fighting and they were really flirty ( like ours when we first met) . She says she realised how much it hurts me and she sent a message to HIM saying that she loves me and that they should be friends. This reassures me and we become happy again( I think)

At the moment she is away for 2 weeks shooting and HIM and the guy that she dirty talked is with her and it makes me nervous and without her to reassure me and calm me down I start to think about things that they might be doing.

The problem is that I just kinda dont trust her anymore, she strayed a little from the relationship while I stayed true (even if I was a little horrible at times)

I cant trust anyone myself and the fact that we both agreed not to tell anyone about us having sex means that no one will understand my situation ( even though her niece and HIM know while I cant tell anyone) .She is the only person I trust with everything.

In a few weeks I will be going to the cadet camp and everyone else is going, including HIM and the guy that she dirty talked with. This makes me nervous because I feel there will be a fight or confrontation and that he might say something to everyone, I dont want to face the music.

Can someone please help me, I might not be the best boyfriend in the world but I love her and I dont want to chuck away 1 year of feelings.

I just want us to be happy, can someone give me some solutions please?

[Imaustinigeuss]

I would say just try to ignor him ur gf will think something is up or he will think that something with u and ur gf is up and if ur worring abt her cheating u can't worrie the worst think to have with a relationship is zero trust and it breaks each others heart when u dont have trust

[CyrustheGreat]

Sometimes you gotta bite the bullet, and it seems in this situation thats whats gonna happen.

[pieman10]

What exactly do you mean by that?

[UKRaven32]

I think you should tell her how you feel about going away in two weeks with the two guys there, and ask her to keep her distance (if it was me I'd just tell her I'm a bit worried about what they might try and do) and to support you, becauseyou don't want to end up in a confrontation with these guys. It's a really awkward situation you got there, and I'm sorry man.

[pieman10]

But how am I supposed to cope with the thoughts over the next few weeks?

[unnamed94]

you probably dont want to hear this, but it you cant solve the trust issues in your relationship, i think you should break up. having a relationship where you cant trust the other person wont work. you being like that over her being on the same place with this 2 guys is just the beginning. it will become worst with time

[pieman10]

It kinda feels like im fighting for her attention and she won't pay attention to me unless I really battle for it.

[benjisea]

Here's some general advice for dating.
Now, I know I do not know your entire situation but you do not want to appear needy to girls. You want to show them that you have a life apart from them and you can do fine. For example, if you have pictures of you hanging out with other girls on Facebook it shows you are more attractive and you have success with other women.

Another tip I would like to give you is to talk to everyone. Socialize to everyone. The ugly, the old, the young. You want to send off a happy vibe. Happy people attract people. Negative, depressed people don't.

Just be you. You do not want to be something you are not and if you opt not to be the person your girl thought you were, then she will not love you.

There's a term called validation. It's what you want to hear from your girlfriend to make you feel better. Like you fucked her so hard the other night and the next day you're looking at her. You're like, 'Babe wasn't that amazing?'. She goes and says, "What was?" And then your confidence shrinks. (Confidence attracts women) The thing is, you don't need validation from women. You want that idgaf attitude and that you can find someone else. When it comes to relationships, don't get 100% emotionally attached. One of the biggest lessons in life is to love yourself man. Love your insecurities and flaws. Every inch of it.

Your situation seems complicated but try and talk with other chicks. Don't be dependent on a girl for your happiness. When you show that you don't trust the girl then it shows you are insecure. It shows that you're easy to get and women find that unattractive. (I'm not condemning you not trusting her, but don't make it affect how you act)

I know this was like a huge general advice paragraph thing but ask questions and I'll be glad to help! How old are you? (Not being a stalker lol)

You don't want to chase the chick. You want to attract them. That's basically my mindset. If she is not interested in you then find someone else. I know it feels like the end of the world and you want to find that special someone but trust me, there are a lot of beautiful women that you have not met.

One thing I want you to do is to make a list non-negotiable and negotiable traits for a person. What values do you want in that person? How do you want them to make you feel? Once you make that, you don't have to settle for any hot chick. I wrote this so you can get an idea of what kind of women you want to be with and not just any deal.

[pieman10]

Thanks for the reply. I dont want to give up on my current relationship, I feel like its either just me and I need to get over it or my relationship can still be saved.

I Don't want another girl yet, I feel happy enough with the girl ive found, even if I broke up with her I wouldn't immediately feel like looking for another, it feels like alot of the feedback im getting is abandon ship, but I would rather go down with the ship.

[Cinderella96]

I think first you need to talk to her and tell her how you feel about your situation. Be honest with her and tell her that you are having a little bit of hard time trusting her. If she cares enough, she will reassure you that you are the only one and that you don't have to worry about the other guys. That will keep you calm until you go to the camp. While you are there, if she doesn't give you that much attention ( i know this may sound a little bit weird) talk to girls while she's having other activities and when she sees you, she may get a little bit jealous but she should probably realize how much you mean to her and she will quit the flirting and she'll give you the attention you need. If that doesn't happen and she continues flirting and dirty talking, I think you should break up with her. Cause if that happend couple of times, probably it will happen again.
Hope things end up the way you want to :)
Good luck.

[pieman10]

Another problem is that she isnt talking to me at the minute, that makes me more nervous. thats an interesting idea about the flirting, but I think it could backfire.

[Phoenix524]

Pieman, let me be completely honest with you. I cannot abide by cheaters. If you haven't, you need to tell her that her past infidelities have hurt you and damaged trust. And if you can't trust her, you can't love her. While part of this is your own insecurities, she has also betrayed you in a big way! Talk to her about it, and consider if she's worth the trouble. But DON'T PLAY HER GAME. If you start flirting with other girls, you're just as bad. There's not a chance it'll backfire, it's a matter of when and how. Oh, and did I mention KARMA? That never ends well. I would recommend taking a few weeks off from each other, like a breakup almost, but temporary to see if you really want to be together. It sounds strange, but I've done it twice. First time, we realized we were no good together anymore, second time, we lasted a week and a half before we realized how much we loved each other. This time that she's away sounds like a great time to do it. See how life is without each other, and see if the grass really is greener on the other side.
Good luck!

[benjisea]

I agree with Phoenix man. If you're depressed or need someone to talk to I'm here.

[pieman10]

Thanks for the advice guys, I guess I will take your advice. I will update you about what happens in a few weeks.

[pieman10]

Well she admitted to telling him that she loved him when they went to have dinner at shooting, so weve now broke up and I cant take it :(
Now hes posting loads of photos of them together and each one breaks my heart even more.

Is it my fault? Did she cheat on me? What can I do?

[benjisea]

Hey Pieman.

Is the guy like an acquaintance? Personally for me, I would delete the guy off Facebook, Tumblr...All those social networks. Why? Because you don't want to be reminded of your girl. I don't know how many girls you dated, etc but there are more girls out there. I remember when I was naive, I felt like my whole world was crumbling. I can't make you believe there are more girls out there but there are.

As for the cheating thing...I don't know. From all I read I would say it's 'barely' cheating. She had dinner with him when she was dating you? Like did she even ask for your consent? I mean her seeing this guy while you guys were dating seems pretty ambiguous. Just move on dude. IF SHE REALLY IS WORTH IT. She will come back and apologize or something. If not, she probably was not worth it. Probably only worth having a 1-night stand and that's it. I don't know what qualities you look for in a girl so I can't really say anymore.

Edit: How long has he been seeing her? And she says she loves him?

[Bougainvillea]

Well she admitted to telling him that she loved him when they went to have dinner at shooting, so weve now broke up and I cant take it :(
Now hes posting loads of photos of them together and each one breaks my heart even more.

Is it my fault? Did she cheat on me? What can I do?

It's not your fault. She cheated on you, and yeah, that's tough. But you have to move on. I know it's not going to feel good for a while, but there are plenty more people out there who will love and appreciate you enough to stay faithful. Now I know that's probably what you don't want to hear right now, but its the truth. Forget about her. Because as much as she says/said, she doesn't care about you. There's no point in dragging yourself down with her for no reason.

Also, delete her off Facebook because that's just going to make things worse. Right now is you-time.

[pieman10]

They've known each other since about the 10th of April, thats when we first started fighting about it.
During the dinner she said to him that she loved him, she said she said it because it was a birthday present.

Shes my first girlfriend, when I look for a girl I look for someone who respcts themselves and one that doesn't sleep around or even just doesn't have a boyfriend every week.

What really worries me is that I feel like I cant take her back, I feel that after they do stuff then shes almost unclean, it really odd. Like I cant go where another guy has been. It sounds really awefull and I cant explain it.

[pieman10]

She also said that the reason she did it all was because she felt the relationship was ll about sex ( even though she was always the one asking or wanting it).

She says that she likes him because he does things that i stopped doing a long time ago, complimenting her, talking to her and making her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
But i always complimented her ( she said so a few weeks before), I always wanted to talk to her and give her attention, and i don't really know about the last bit.

Im now really confused.