Talking in relationships

[Mints]

So I've been with my boyfriend for nearly two years now and these past few months we haven't been talking a massive amount. There's nothing wrong, he's just busy and when we meet up he is the perfect boyfriend and he responds when I text him but he doesn't like texting and says he's too busy to talk. And I understand that but shouldn't he make time for me? Even if it's just 10 mins to ask each other how our days have gone? He has time to watch tv shows on his laptop and talk/play games with his friends and I always get upset because he says he doesn't have time to talk but then talks to his mates and plays games on steam every other night or so. In my head I'm fine with it but it just hurts that he leaves me to go and talk to them or takes ages to respond because he's doing something else and it's pretty much every night we talk and it's very rare that he'll start a conversation first. In a way we'll never have the kind of relationship that I want but I can be a perfectionist and we've been through some rough times in the relationship but we can always make it work and I love him. I just want to know, am I being too sensitive? I mean we talk properly around 3 or 4 times a week but 2 or 3 of those times he'll leave for friends so we don't talk long. Or would other people be upset by that?

[ImCoolBeans]

A boyfriend should be able to make time for his girlfriend, but he also has to be able to enjoy himself away from you and be with himself or with his friends. Be careful not to have unrealistic expectations in a relationship, they can get between the two of you very easily. However, talking 3 or 4 times a week or less is not a whole lot, especially in a relationship. I don't think you're being too sensitive -- it's a valid concern and you have the right to feel this way -- especially after two years! Have you brought this up to him? Communication and honesty are the two cornerstones of a relationship and without them a relationship will fail. Tell him how you're feeling, but when you do it try not to be too commanding and try not to come off as if you are telling him what he can and cannot do. Rather, explain to him how you're feeling and why you're feeling this way. Hope it all works out! Let us know and best of luck.

[Mints]

Thanks for the reply. :) Yeah, I must have mentioned it to him 4 or 5 times and I do understand where he's coming from and he understands where I'm coming from but nothing really changes. He's the kind of person who doesn't mind if we don't talk for a few days as long as he knows I'll always be there and he doesn't want a really coupley relationship, he wants me to be his best friend but in person he's really lovely and coupley which I love. I want a close relationship and I don't want us to have to do everything together but I do love talking to him and want to hear from him most days and I get down if not. I don't want to play games but I wonder if doing the same back will make him see what it's like will be worth a try? When he misses me he doesn't really leave me alone haha which I like every now and again, sometimes he just needs shaking to see how he affects others.

[jaxian rhyder]

He should make time for u even if its just 20 min a week

[Mints]

Well we meet up once a week usually and we will talk for 20 mins a week but he talks to his friends a lot more than that which is partly what hurts.

[screamtobeheard]

I definitely don't think you're being oversensitive. I'd be massively upset by this. Have you told him that it hurts you that he won't make time for you? I know that he knows it bothers you, but if you tell him it hurts you, he might understand a little better.

[Mints]

Yeah I have, a fair few times, and he says that it shouldn't and always uses the example of what if I'm on a business trip for a week and I'm too busy to talk and that it's only a week so it's not a big deal but I'd always make time for him. Even if it's just a text or a few minutes. I worry that something's wrong if he doesn't talk to me for a few days. Le sigh.

[MoonMan]

If a guy can't find a way to make time for his girlfriend, then he shouldn't have a girlfriend in the first place. Simple as that. Talking a couple times a week shouldn't be too hard for someone, especially with things like facebook and texting around, no one is that busy. Pick up a phone for a few seconds every once in a while, make a quick call or a text message to your girlfriend, make your girlfriend feel happy in the process like a boyfriend should do. Total time of your ever-so-busy life used: 5 minutes. There's a reason being in a relationship is called a commitment and, while you shouldn't have to do everything together, you don't get to cut all of your communicational ties for extended periods of time because you're busy. If you want to hang out with your friends and feel you don't really have time for girls, there's a little something we like to call being single....

[Apophis]

Hey Mints

I see your having troubles.. Well it looks like your doing everything right on your end, you have given lots of time to spend with you and he just seems to be not interested in that time, he really needs to spend more time with you. It's not right what he said about him being on a business trip, honestly that's like the stupidest thing he could have said for an example. What you need to do is have a long talk with him and tell him about how your feeling, honestly is the key thing when being in a relationship. Just tell him that you feel like your not important to him and you think he's more interested in being his friends, its okay if he wants to hang with his friends but he should also take some time off and spend it with you. Boy Friends and Girl Friends should always take some time off for each other. But anyways it seems to me like he's not really interested in being in a relationship in my opinion, he seems to care about his friends. But I think you should just sit down and have a long talk with him and be honest, but if he doesn't seem to listen then I'd suggest to let him go cause you don't want him dragging you down. He'll realize eventually that he let go of a good girl and he may regret it afterwards! Anyways hope you get your problem solved soon :)

[Cece14]

He should make time for you about at least an hour a week

[Cooper197]

Anna would kill me if I did this. I started my own company about the same time I started dating here, and this leads me to a bunch of web design stuff basically, and I can tell when she is mad about the amount of time I spend on my computer working. Basically, I always find the time for her, somehow, not always easy, but it's something I have to do. You aren't being over sensitive, you aren't asking for much here. I know even on days where I am SUPER busy I still find time to at least call and talk for 15 minutes at least, and at least text her and check in a few times a day. Usually I can do more than that, but I always find the time for at least that. He should too.

[Mints]

Thanks for the replies :) Well it's not that he doesn't want a relationship because when we're in person he will be so sweet and kind and just lovely to be around and every now and again he'll ring me and tell me how much he loves and misses me and chats with me for hours. But it's rare. And even just now, he's just stopped replying. Yeah I agree that if he doesn't have time then he shouldn't be in a relationship but he really is the kind of person who is fine without talking for a few days and doesn't mind if I don't try and talk to him for a few days. He thinks nothing of him. When I tell him he gets really upset and is brilliant for a day or two and then it goes back to normal.

[MoonMan]

Thanks for the replies :) Well it's not that he doesn't want a relationship because when we're in person he will be so sweet and kind and just lovely to be around and every now and again he'll ring me and tell me how much he loves and misses me and chats with me for hours. But it's rare. And even just now, he's just stopped replying. Yeah I agree that if he doesn't have time then he shouldn't be in a relationship but he really is the kind of person who is fine without talking for a few days and doesn't mind if I don't try and talk to him for a few days. He thinks nothing of him. When I tell him he gets really upset and is brilliant for a day or two and then it goes back to normal.
It's understandable he's more of a secluded person who can go days without talking. The difference here being you've already told him the lack of communication bothers you, so he should at least make an effort to contact you more often and consistently (which wouldn't be very hard). It's not like you're twisting his arm to go and talk to you, I mean, you're his girlfriend so I'm assuming you two have much in common and enjoy each other's company. You're not asking for much and, to be quite honest, you shouldn't have to ask him to do this kind of stuff in the first place. Communication in a relationship is kind of a given, it's hard to make one work properly without it.

[Mints]

Well I spoke to him again and said it very diplomatically and he got upset then in the morning said how he feels useless sometimes and he quickly cheered up and now he talks all the time which is great. We talk each day, even if it's not for long and he starts a conversation a lot. Since last Thursday he's been great and one day he ended up talking to his friends all evening then he apologised the same evening and stayed up to talk to me. And responds when I text. I have no idea what's changed haha but he's back to how he used to be which is great.

[Cooper197]

Glad to hear things are back to normal for you guys then!