I need help

[Vintage Gamer Guy]

Just over a year ago my grandfather died. We were really close. I know that my whole family was grieving, but because of the fact that he died the day after school had ended really fucked me up. I am so tempted to reach for that blade again. I have already started self harm. I've been addicted to painkillers and many other pills. I just don't know where to turn.therapy and counseling haven't helped. Please just try and help me not use that knife.

[Mob Boss]

Hi Matt,
First of all let me say I'm terribly sorry you're going through this. This is one of those times where I can actually say "I know how you feel", because my grandmother died a year ago as well, three weeks after my birthday. She was my favorite person in the world. Your grandfather wouldn't want you harming yourself, that's for certain. Does self-harm honestly ever fix anything? No. It doesn't. I know it's hard when the calendar rolls back around to when they passed, but it's bound to happen. Harming yourself never solves issues, and I know it seems like a way to cope with problems but it isn't very effective nor safe or you wouldn't be asking for help. As for your grandfather, it's okay to not have completely come to terms with it. I just realized the other day that I had never sat down and actually thought that my grandmother was gone, but she is. However, that doesn't mean we stop living. Your grandfather would want you to live your life. He would want you to be happy. And the best part is he will always live on through you. Memories you had together will never die.
Back to the self-harming and struggles you're having:
It's admirable and courageous that you're asking for help to begin with. I know it's a hard thing to do. As i tell a lot of people; find an outlet. Whatever it is you do and love to do to express emotion, do. This shouldn't involve self-harming as no one loves to nor should self-harm. If that doesn't work, start a journal. You could just doodle pictures that express your emotions. Just anything. Also, pop rubber bands around your wrists when you get urges. It gives that tinge of pain without actually doing damage. Try to think of all the good memories you and your grandfather made together. That should give you motivation to stay strong for him.

If you ever need to talk, I'm a VM or PM away. :hug:

[Vintage Gamer Guy]

Thank you so much. I just wanted to have some good advice for once. I was talking to a friend of mine and he told me something similar about no cutting myself, but to carve wood instead. That is one thing that me and my grandfather use to do together. I also found some left over hydrocodone that I had from a ankle injury. I am tempted to take one or two. Just not with the intent of overdosing.

[Mob Boss]

Thank you so much. I just wanted to have some good advice for once. I was talking to a friend of mine and he told me something similar about no cutting myself, but to carve wood instead. That is one thing that me and my grandfather use to do together. I also found some left over hydrocodone that I had from a ankle injury. I am tempted to take one or two. Just not with the intent of overdosing.

No problem. That's what I am and this site is here for. Your friend is exactly right. And not only will that help with urges, but it will remind you of good memories you shared with him. No, no, no. Don't abuse prescriptions like that. Nothing good will come of that, honestly. It will harm you and I have no doubt you'll regret it. There is no benefit of doing that, Matt. Again, I'm always up for a chat if you need help or just to talk about what's going on. Harming yourself now will be regrettable later on down the road. And as said before, your grandfather will always live on through you. Harming yourself will not solve anything. Keep using carving wood as your outlet.

[Vintage Gamer Guy]

UPDATE:

I have stopped the cutting! I also haven't used my old .223 shell casings as a form of branding iron in 3 days! Go me! Thank you for your support Bridge. I mean it. You practically saved my life. I'm still in my little world of depression mixed with bipolar and ADD. My meds are helping me cope, as well as using all of my grandfathers tools to carve wood and make things. Now I just need to get the courage to talk tomy crush, but you don't want to hear about that.

[Mob Boss]

UPDATE:

I have stopped the cutting! I also haven't used my old .223 shell casings as a form of branding iron in 3 days! Go me! Thank you for your support Bridge. I mean it. You practically saved my life. I'm still in my little world of depression mixed with bipolar and ADD. My meds are helping me cope, as well as using all of my grandfathers tools to carve wood and make things. Now I just need to get the courage to talk tomy crush, but you don't want to hear about that.

Look at you!!!! :) I knew you could do it. Your grandfather would be so proud, you know. 3 days! Hey, every second without harming is a beautiful thing. Nah, I didn't do anything. You did it. You should be proud. And maybe even give yourself little goals and reward yourself when you meet them -- like one week without self-harm and I'll buy myself a new video game, or just any little thing. It will keep you motivated. :) It will get better, though. That's really amazing. See? Look at the changes you've made in a matter of days? We can do amazing things, if we want to and put our minds to it. Yes, yes I do! But send it to Relationships and Dating. (http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=52) You'll get lots of help there. :)