ShatteredGlass
June 20th, 2013, 10:29 PM
January 8th 2008 used to be the day I quit but weeks ago, I was burning fuming, seething I was so angry. I didn't know what to do. I know I shouldnt keep the razor blades but I keep one in my wallet and one in a box on my bookshelf all the time just in case I ever feel like going back, it makes me feel in control. But I was so angry and I kept hearing "You deserve this, you deserve this DO IT! DO IT" it was that bad part of me and the small part of me said "no you'll regret it, you'll regret it" but the other side got louder and louder, and this reasoning only took a couple seconds before I opened my palm and threw the blade down on my palm. The instant I opened myself all my anger was gone, I was completely deflated like a balloon, but I did it too fast and too hard and I didnt realize how deep I'd cut there was so much blood I clamped a hand over it and it was coming between my fingers and I knew I was SO SO SO SO SO stupid. I hated myself but not the angry kind of hate the sad kind. I knew my mom would be so mad, so I couldnt tell her. I was so panicky because It would stop, it was deeper than I had ever done. But it was late at night, I couldnt tell my mom so I wrapped my hand and went to sleep. I woke up the next day hoping to God it would've stopped but it was still bleeding. So I lied. I sliced a pineapple part way and went to school until my math teacher wanted to look at it (so I took off the tape and paper towels I had used to cover it up) and it was still bleeding she told me to leave school and I went to the doctor. And I lied to her, and I lied to my friends, and the doctors, and my brother, and my mother, and my track coaches, and my teammates and five stitches later everyone cracked jokes about me not being able to slice fruit, but I can slice fruit just fine. I had to lie to myself, to lie to them, and after I turned my conscience off it was fine I believed my own lie. And every now and again I look at my wrist and think of all the things I've done wrong and I small part of me says to me "you deserve it"