The Dictator
June 20th, 2013, 02:37 PM
Hey,
I'm madly in love with one of my former friends. It's a long story but it goes a bit like this...
I never cared for having friends. I've never had any close friends in my life. But last year and a half ago I moved to a new high school, and there I still am, a year and a half later. At first I ignored everyone and didn't want to talk to anyone. But then I met this guy, his name is Nathan (same name as my cousin) and he befriended me along with his friend. He, like most people, seemed to think I was lonely because I always hung out on my own.
I started to really like him and become more open and less withdrawn because of him. I started playing football just because of him and my affection towards him grew. I used to always see him before school and talk to him. During that summer half term I missed him and couldn't wait to see him again. I always looked forward to going to school every morning just to see him. During the summer holidays all I could think about was him. He was really nice to me and I thought that he would be a great new best friend (I'd never really had a best friend). I became friends with all his friends and started playing football with the other boys, something I had never done.
I was really excited to see him again during the day we came back from school. I began to talk to him more and more and began waiting for him every morning just to see him and hug him. However, I got upset because after a while he started to just ignore me. Once when I agitated about it he told me he had other friends and turned to them, conversing with them and leaving me abandoned. I walked away, heartbroken. Later we reconciled but not before I'd been left feeling bad for much of the week and not talking to him, not listening when he tried to apologise.
Then I started hearing rumours that he was telling his friends behind my back that I was annoying. Literally everyone kept telling me. I didn't believe it, until one of his friends starting picking on me on the field and he just watched. This guy was threatening to punch me. He said no one likes me, and then I told him that Nathan did, to which he replied that he didn't as he always said I was annoying. Then something clicked. Upset, I did not talk to him for a day or so. Again, he apologised, and asked to be friends again, to which I readily accepted.
So began the great pattern. He would offend me, and I would refuse to talk to him, then I would forgive him and we would become friends again. I guess it was partly my fault for taking the friendship too fast. I thought about him everyday, still do, and even got him a present for his birthday. Because of the incident with his friend picking on me I stopped going outside and I also stopped waiting for him every morning to hug him as he said he found it annoying. Fair enough.
The last straw was, when as I mentioned, I got him a present for his birthday and he didn't even invite me to the party! He even lied about what day it was. Naturally I was upset and after that refused to be his friend again. I demanded the present I gave him back, which he did give back, and, losing my temper, tried to beat him up, but only managed to scratch his hands. Feeling really bad I wrote an apology note to him not long after.
Since then I have not been able to stop thinking about him or what happened. I guess I have always had a secret crush on him. I used to always tell him that I loved him (as a friend though) and he began to feel uncomfortable and tease me along with his other friend that I was gay. Also, I was jealous that he and this other friend were very close and I also wanted to be as close to him. Because of this I fell out with his other friend and we often argued over him. I now feel helplessly guilty about everything. He is really cute, has soft brown hair, a face that turns pink easily, and a six-pack, which I have liked to stroke. I always used to hug and tickle him which he liked at first but got annoyed at after a while. I've fantasised about having sex with him and had erections over him before. Few of my classmates have been very sympathetic and they have even been insensitive over the whole thing, telling me he doesn't like me and should get over it. I am really upset about everything and feel bad for making myself look like a fool in front of everyone. I am obsessed with him, and can't get him out of my head. I have taken to writing imaginary letters to him and have forsook all my friends for him. I am torn between whether to hate or to love him. He's ruined my life but I am still so in love with him. I have told him my feelings but he is insensitive and just makes fun of me or says I'm gay and should like girls. I also suspect that his friends have been stirring things up behind the scenes. I don't understand why he would become so different. I've felt like bursting into tears but all this while have not been able to. The whole friendship was one-sided in the first place, as I wanted to be his best friend but he told me after our last argument that he just wanted to be "friends". He always apologised when he upset me but he did it again and again. He tells all his friends behind my back that I am "weird" and "annoying". I am still always nice to him, stroke his hair, get him his folder in IT, hug him and tell him I love him but he always tries to run away from me/is horrible to me in front of his friends. I still keep being nice...after all, I'm pouring burning coals on his head by doing that (Bible quote :P).
Anyway, as a Christian I do not want to have these feelings. I am trying not to have them but it's really hard. Please help me. I think he's really fit and still want him as a friend, but I love him as a boyfriend. He made me really happy, and now I'm really miserable in school a lot of the time. My reputation has been torn into pieces, and now to everyone I am seem as weird and unable to make friends. My Jewish Studies teacher (I go to a Jewish school) has noticed that I have become less happy. I have talked to some of the girls in my year whom I am friendly with about it and they have been very sympathetic (I suspect it is one of them that may have told her). I really cannot get over him...he is in most of my lessons and sometimes I stare at him (freaking him out and reinforcing his perception that I am weird). It seems he hates me, but I love him...please help.
I'm madly in love with one of my former friends. It's a long story but it goes a bit like this...
I never cared for having friends. I've never had any close friends in my life. But last year and a half ago I moved to a new high school, and there I still am, a year and a half later. At first I ignored everyone and didn't want to talk to anyone. But then I met this guy, his name is Nathan (same name as my cousin) and he befriended me along with his friend. He, like most people, seemed to think I was lonely because I always hung out on my own.
I started to really like him and become more open and less withdrawn because of him. I started playing football just because of him and my affection towards him grew. I used to always see him before school and talk to him. During that summer half term I missed him and couldn't wait to see him again. I always looked forward to going to school every morning just to see him. During the summer holidays all I could think about was him. He was really nice to me and I thought that he would be a great new best friend (I'd never really had a best friend). I became friends with all his friends and started playing football with the other boys, something I had never done.
I was really excited to see him again during the day we came back from school. I began to talk to him more and more and began waiting for him every morning just to see him and hug him. However, I got upset because after a while he started to just ignore me. Once when I agitated about it he told me he had other friends and turned to them, conversing with them and leaving me abandoned. I walked away, heartbroken. Later we reconciled but not before I'd been left feeling bad for much of the week and not talking to him, not listening when he tried to apologise.
Then I started hearing rumours that he was telling his friends behind my back that I was annoying. Literally everyone kept telling me. I didn't believe it, until one of his friends starting picking on me on the field and he just watched. This guy was threatening to punch me. He said no one likes me, and then I told him that Nathan did, to which he replied that he didn't as he always said I was annoying. Then something clicked. Upset, I did not talk to him for a day or so. Again, he apologised, and asked to be friends again, to which I readily accepted.
So began the great pattern. He would offend me, and I would refuse to talk to him, then I would forgive him and we would become friends again. I guess it was partly my fault for taking the friendship too fast. I thought about him everyday, still do, and even got him a present for his birthday. Because of the incident with his friend picking on me I stopped going outside and I also stopped waiting for him every morning to hug him as he said he found it annoying. Fair enough.
The last straw was, when as I mentioned, I got him a present for his birthday and he didn't even invite me to the party! He even lied about what day it was. Naturally I was upset and after that refused to be his friend again. I demanded the present I gave him back, which he did give back, and, losing my temper, tried to beat him up, but only managed to scratch his hands. Feeling really bad I wrote an apology note to him not long after.
Since then I have not been able to stop thinking about him or what happened. I guess I have always had a secret crush on him. I used to always tell him that I loved him (as a friend though) and he began to feel uncomfortable and tease me along with his other friend that I was gay. Also, I was jealous that he and this other friend were very close and I also wanted to be as close to him. Because of this I fell out with his other friend and we often argued over him. I now feel helplessly guilty about everything. He is really cute, has soft brown hair, a face that turns pink easily, and a six-pack, which I have liked to stroke. I always used to hug and tickle him which he liked at first but got annoyed at after a while. I've fantasised about having sex with him and had erections over him before. Few of my classmates have been very sympathetic and they have even been insensitive over the whole thing, telling me he doesn't like me and should get over it. I am really upset about everything and feel bad for making myself look like a fool in front of everyone. I am obsessed with him, and can't get him out of my head. I have taken to writing imaginary letters to him and have forsook all my friends for him. I am torn between whether to hate or to love him. He's ruined my life but I am still so in love with him. I have told him my feelings but he is insensitive and just makes fun of me or says I'm gay and should like girls. I also suspect that his friends have been stirring things up behind the scenes. I don't understand why he would become so different. I've felt like bursting into tears but all this while have not been able to. The whole friendship was one-sided in the first place, as I wanted to be his best friend but he told me after our last argument that he just wanted to be "friends". He always apologised when he upset me but he did it again and again. He tells all his friends behind my back that I am "weird" and "annoying". I am still always nice to him, stroke his hair, get him his folder in IT, hug him and tell him I love him but he always tries to run away from me/is horrible to me in front of his friends. I still keep being nice...after all, I'm pouring burning coals on his head by doing that (Bible quote :P).
Anyway, as a Christian I do not want to have these feelings. I am trying not to have them but it's really hard. Please help me. I think he's really fit and still want him as a friend, but I love him as a boyfriend. He made me really happy, and now I'm really miserable in school a lot of the time. My reputation has been torn into pieces, and now to everyone I am seem as weird and unable to make friends. My Jewish Studies teacher (I go to a Jewish school) has noticed that I have become less happy. I have talked to some of the girls in my year whom I am friendly with about it and they have been very sympathetic (I suspect it is one of them that may have told her). I really cannot get over him...he is in most of my lessons and sometimes I stare at him (freaking him out and reinforcing his perception that I am weird). It seems he hates me, but I love him...please help.