Booman5
December 19th, 2007, 10:11 PM
As of recent I have been feeling so confused and depressed, heres why:
First things first, I'm introverted, and I feel quite uncomfortable with expressing myself to other people, I just can't reveal my feelings to anyone (this post I suppose would be an exception). My issues have stemmed from with how I've dealt with this.
Personally I would prefer having one or two close friends and thats it, however I fear that I wouldn't be accepted and that people would pity me. As a result I pretend to be outgoing and personable to make friends that I don't like or need, (the holiday season has thrown this into view). Every day it feels like I'm just putting on a show and every day I come home and break down because I hate doing this. One might suggest then that I stop and reveal the truth to those who I honestly wish to be close to and just move on. The issue is that I've been doing this so long I don't even know who I am any more. It's like I've created this altogether different person who is now controlling me. I just feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride that I don't control any longer, but I set up the tracks.
I can never shake the feeling of being fake, but I'm to fearful of being rejected to truly reveal myself. In addition this whole issue has started to take away from my school work and my other commitments so I'm really becoming concerned.
I really just want one or two people that I can honestly talk to and not have to worry about impressing everyone, but I've no idea how to go about it and part of me just wants to push everyone away and just be all by my lonesome.
The person who I pretend to be is torturing me while who I really am is fading and I just can't do it anymore.
Any help or guidance would be appreciated, just typing this is a mild form of relief.
First things first, I'm introverted, and I feel quite uncomfortable with expressing myself to other people, I just can't reveal my feelings to anyone (this post I suppose would be an exception). My issues have stemmed from with how I've dealt with this.
Personally I would prefer having one or two close friends and thats it, however I fear that I wouldn't be accepted and that people would pity me. As a result I pretend to be outgoing and personable to make friends that I don't like or need, (the holiday season has thrown this into view). Every day it feels like I'm just putting on a show and every day I come home and break down because I hate doing this. One might suggest then that I stop and reveal the truth to those who I honestly wish to be close to and just move on. The issue is that I've been doing this so long I don't even know who I am any more. It's like I've created this altogether different person who is now controlling me. I just feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride that I don't control any longer, but I set up the tracks.
I can never shake the feeling of being fake, but I'm to fearful of being rejected to truly reveal myself. In addition this whole issue has started to take away from my school work and my other commitments so I'm really becoming concerned.
I really just want one or two people that I can honestly talk to and not have to worry about impressing everyone, but I've no idea how to go about it and part of me just wants to push everyone away and just be all by my lonesome.
The person who I pretend to be is torturing me while who I really am is fading and I just can't do it anymore.
Any help or guidance would be appreciated, just typing this is a mild form of relief.