AustinKGB
June 11th, 2013, 01:32 AM
I'd like to clarify about the title. Be no means was it an attempt to try and gain any attention, or exaggerating compared to what I'm about to talk about. This problem is the product of 2-3 years of emotional anguish and loneliness, so it is pretty long as I'll try my best to help you understand the situation. I really appreciate anyone who would sit down and read through the whole thing. Please prepare yourself.
Heres a little background info to set the scene, reading it would be helpful to understand the general situation.
For those of you who don't know me, first of all my name is Austin, and I'm 15 years old, from Calgary, AB, Canada. I attend a school of around 600(+) students. I am currently in the 10th grade and am in a grade (not class) of around 24 students.
Ok, so here goes:
I've never been very social at school or in public, but I have had a lot of friends. What I mean by this is, I can make people laugh/entertain people across all sorts of different groups, but I find no one really wants me around when they aren't at school or looking to be entertained. Girls have also been a huge challenge for me. I find it hard to talk to them in general. I find when I start talking to a girl (doesn't matter who), I have trouble coming up with things to say, and I have trouble looking her in the eyes (i.e. I look at the ground, off to sides of her face etc.). This is obviously a pretty common problem, but I can't imagine it being nearly as common in my age group, currently.
Now, from my description of my social interactions a lot of you are probably picturing a pretty dumb looking kid writing this post, but I personally don't find myself 'unattractive'. From what I've observed(/my personal opinion) I don't think I'm that bad looking (don't think a pic is required). Even recently, I've noticed a few girls looking at me while at the theatre, so I know it isn't my appearance, so I find it frustrating that I can't do anything to talk to them.
And here comes the big one. I have never, in my fifteen years on earth, been in a relationship with a girl. This does not only include dating. I have never even been in a 'friendship' with a girl. I'd like to clarify something first of all, I am very straight, and I credit much of my problems concerning girls to flat out social awkwardness.
My life outside of school is one of usual solitude. I tend to spend most of my weekends in my basement listening to dubstep and electonica while doing my homework then playing some video games on my computer. My parents have began to ask me lately about why I never am having friends over or hanging out with friends on the weekends, I also struggle answering such a question. Although I have, just recently gone to a movie with two important friends that I will bring up again later on in the post.
As far as social media/communication is concerned I do not have a profile on websites like Facebook, Reddit or Twitter. I only have a profile on other message boards similar to VT, as well as a largely neglected Skype account. I have only recently got a cell phone, which is a pre 2008, LG flip phone my mom passed down to me.
To wrap up the background info, I have been feeling exceeding lonely over the past two weeks. I don't receive much help at home as both my parents work, and being more emotionally reclusive, I don't tell them much anyways. I have also began to dabble with SI/SH, and as much as a squeamish person is able to, have began trying to cut myself.
Here's sort of my situation now:
Recently I have began to hang out with a group of friends consisting of 2 girls and 2 boys. 3 out of the 4 people dating, two of which are dating each other, and the other girl is dating a boy in grade 12. With my new phone I have been texting various members of the group, and enjoying myself. I especially enjoy texting the girl (dating the grade 12 student) in the group.
After being pushed more and more to get out with friends by my parents, I went to a movie with two of the four people from the group (I won't use names), the girl in a relationship with the grade 12 and the boy not in a relationship. We had a lot of fun, and I especially enjoyed hanging out with the girl. (To clarify the boy and the girl I went to the movie with are not interested in each other, I know almost for sure).
I'm not entirely sure if I like the girl. All I know is spending time with her, however disconnected it is, over text, at school or even in a group setting, makes me feel so happy. She even used to ask if she could "be my best friend" for a while when I was new to the group (which I kind of just played off because I didn't know how to respond). She paid me all kinds of attention like wanting to work on a project with me, even if it meant leave her own group etc. Lately these comments have stopped, and she doesn't text me either, and even though I'm not sure if I necessarily like her, it has brought back feelings of loneliness and sadness I used to feel before this (group) companionship.
My questions include anything I stated above, including what should I do to improve my situation in general. Don't be afraid to share your own, similar situations and any advice you may have for me or anyone else. I'd appreciate it if responses were developed and respectful, as I'm not looking for any more hate etc.
thanks for reading and caring.
cheers,
-Austin'KGB'
(sorry to the mods for the initial double-post of this thread. I apologize, as my internet freaked out suddenly.)
Heres a little background info to set the scene, reading it would be helpful to understand the general situation.
For those of you who don't know me, first of all my name is Austin, and I'm 15 years old, from Calgary, AB, Canada. I attend a school of around 600(+) students. I am currently in the 10th grade and am in a grade (not class) of around 24 students.
Ok, so here goes:
I've never been very social at school or in public, but I have had a lot of friends. What I mean by this is, I can make people laugh/entertain people across all sorts of different groups, but I find no one really wants me around when they aren't at school or looking to be entertained. Girls have also been a huge challenge for me. I find it hard to talk to them in general. I find when I start talking to a girl (doesn't matter who), I have trouble coming up with things to say, and I have trouble looking her in the eyes (i.e. I look at the ground, off to sides of her face etc.). This is obviously a pretty common problem, but I can't imagine it being nearly as common in my age group, currently.
Now, from my description of my social interactions a lot of you are probably picturing a pretty dumb looking kid writing this post, but I personally don't find myself 'unattractive'. From what I've observed(/my personal opinion) I don't think I'm that bad looking (don't think a pic is required). Even recently, I've noticed a few girls looking at me while at the theatre, so I know it isn't my appearance, so I find it frustrating that I can't do anything to talk to them.
And here comes the big one. I have never, in my fifteen years on earth, been in a relationship with a girl. This does not only include dating. I have never even been in a 'friendship' with a girl. I'd like to clarify something first of all, I am very straight, and I credit much of my problems concerning girls to flat out social awkwardness.
My life outside of school is one of usual solitude. I tend to spend most of my weekends in my basement listening to dubstep and electonica while doing my homework then playing some video games on my computer. My parents have began to ask me lately about why I never am having friends over or hanging out with friends on the weekends, I also struggle answering such a question. Although I have, just recently gone to a movie with two important friends that I will bring up again later on in the post.
As far as social media/communication is concerned I do not have a profile on websites like Facebook, Reddit or Twitter. I only have a profile on other message boards similar to VT, as well as a largely neglected Skype account. I have only recently got a cell phone, which is a pre 2008, LG flip phone my mom passed down to me.
To wrap up the background info, I have been feeling exceeding lonely over the past two weeks. I don't receive much help at home as both my parents work, and being more emotionally reclusive, I don't tell them much anyways. I have also began to dabble with SI/SH, and as much as a squeamish person is able to, have began trying to cut myself.
Here's sort of my situation now:
Recently I have began to hang out with a group of friends consisting of 2 girls and 2 boys. 3 out of the 4 people dating, two of which are dating each other, and the other girl is dating a boy in grade 12. With my new phone I have been texting various members of the group, and enjoying myself. I especially enjoy texting the girl (dating the grade 12 student) in the group.
After being pushed more and more to get out with friends by my parents, I went to a movie with two of the four people from the group (I won't use names), the girl in a relationship with the grade 12 and the boy not in a relationship. We had a lot of fun, and I especially enjoyed hanging out with the girl. (To clarify the boy and the girl I went to the movie with are not interested in each other, I know almost for sure).
I'm not entirely sure if I like the girl. All I know is spending time with her, however disconnected it is, over text, at school or even in a group setting, makes me feel so happy. She even used to ask if she could "be my best friend" for a while when I was new to the group (which I kind of just played off because I didn't know how to respond). She paid me all kinds of attention like wanting to work on a project with me, even if it meant leave her own group etc. Lately these comments have stopped, and she doesn't text me either, and even though I'm not sure if I necessarily like her, it has brought back feelings of loneliness and sadness I used to feel before this (group) companionship.
My questions include anything I stated above, including what should I do to improve my situation in general. Don't be afraid to share your own, similar situations and any advice you may have for me or anyone else. I'd appreciate it if responses were developed and respectful, as I'm not looking for any more hate etc.
thanks for reading and caring.
cheers,
-Austin'KGB'
(sorry to the mods for the initial double-post of this thread. I apologize, as my internet freaked out suddenly.)