Mixed Urges

[screamtobeheard]

I used to self harm quite frequently, but I've sort of recovered. I still do it occasionally, but I try not to because I hate how it hurts my boyfriend.

Anyway, sometimes, I get the urge to cut and I'm going to. I go through my routine and get everything ready (I'm very ritualistic about cutting), but before I actually do anything, I just get swept by this overwhelming sensation of...ambivalence, I guess? I still want to cut, but it's like I'm too lazy. I don't want to move to pick up the blade, or clean up. I don't have the energy to do anything and I just lay there for awhile until something forces me back into life. Does anyone else experience this?

[Magenta]

Yeah. A lot lately. I go through the urges but then I just feel like... I don't even want to? It's like I have to cut but when I get around to doing I just don't. And not in a "hey, I should get better" type of way. I just can't be bothered to do it even though I have to. I dunno if it's really an improvement or not. Sometimes I'm just too numb to even bother to cause myself pain.

Not sure if this is the same or not.

[screamtobeheard]

That's exactly how I feel.

[Magenta]

On the bright side, it's keeping me on this rather long recovery streak? Sadly, it doesn't make me feel any better whatsoever. I think the addiction is still there but the actual act has stopped working for me. It feels weird, honestly.

Here if you ever need to talk though. :hug:

[screamtobeheard]

Yeah, it feels really weird and I don't like it at all.

Thank you. (:

[xXl0sth0peXx]

This is 100% me. It takes so much energy that I don't have right now, and despite how much I wanna do it, I'm just to lazy. As Jo said, I guess that's a good thing, but kinda not really.

As she said too, always here if you need someone to talk to. :)

[screamtobeheard]

Thank you. (: I'm actually really glad I'm not the only one this happens to. I just feel really stupid and invalid and I wanted to tell someone.

[Magenta]

Nope, I say we start a three person support group. I propose cookies and hugs and tea (or coffee, if that's your thing). I guess that, in a way, it means we're moving on? I sorta hoped it was a normal thing. That even though the urges were still there that I wasn't hurting myself so maybe it's just a normal thing? Maybe this is like some weird transition into actually feeling good about saying no to the urges, dunno.

[screamtobeheard]

Cookies and hugs and tea is the best idea.

Yeah, maybe eventually it'll go from me feeling like crap because I didn't hurt myself to being glad that I didn't. And maybe some day after that, it'll turn into not even having the urges.