crowdlost
May 26th, 2013, 12:29 PM
So I've had a "complicated" on-again/off-again relationship with this girl for a year exactly. But I don't really count it as a year because we broke up last July and did not speak or see each other until November, so it's really a complicated relationship.
We recently started talking again a lot more, and since 2 months it's been more serious than it ever was last year. I don't want to sound like a show-off or anything, but she's too attached to me. She wants me to talk to her all the time, and when I sometimes be honest with her and tell her that I need "a little space", she just completely shuts me out and doesn't reply to my messages for a week tops.
I know this makes me sound VERY confused, and most likely I am. I feel like I am so scared of commitment, while she has NO problem to leave her entire life behind just for the chance to be with me. And that really puts a lot of pressure on me.
She "knows" all this stuff, I'm sure. I haven't told her word-by-word exactly how I feel because I just hate seeing her get mad and sad. And boy, when she gets sad, it's hell. I get texts from her cousins (which I do NOT know) begging me to talk to her because she's pretty messed up.
I feel like I am so messed up that sometimes, I get mad at her for stupid little things on purpose, just because (maybe??) sometimes I want HER to break up with ME so I don't look like the bad guy. God, that makes me THE worst human being on this planet, and I know that, trust me. What's even more confusing is that when we DO break-up, sometimes I eventually miss her (which is a terrible thing to say because, well, I'm supposed to miss her a lot, I guess? Like, all the time?)
I think this pretty much means I don't love her, right? But sometimes ,when we're texting in the middle of the night, I just feel so comfortable with her and it feel "right" to have her in my life. I don't know. I am just so messed up.
To make things worse, there's this guy. Ugh. He's been my best friend for the past 6-7 years, and we're pretty much inseparable. She basically blames HIM for why me and her don't work "as a couple". She says I am way too attached to him (and I'd be lying if I said I'm not) and that she doesn't HATE him, she just wishes that SHE was the person getting my attention all the time, and not him.
It's true, that part. I feel like I'm too attached to him, and I worry about him and want to talk to him all the time. This just adds to my confusion... Okay, what the hell? What am I, gay now? (Not that that would be a problem, hope no one gets offended!) But it just totally adds to my confusion.
She asked me something the other day: "If he got mad at you for something, how long would it take you to try to fix things between you two?" And it really made me thing. Because the answer, plain and simple, would be: just a few minutes (hours, tops). I can't have him mad at me. It physically and emotionally KILLS me. I'd want to fix our relationship as fast as possible while every time me and HER fight, I could actually go on a few days (weeks even!) and not mind. But eventually, I WOULD care.
Sorry for the rant and the long post. It all just HAD to come out. :)
We recently started talking again a lot more, and since 2 months it's been more serious than it ever was last year. I don't want to sound like a show-off or anything, but she's too attached to me. She wants me to talk to her all the time, and when I sometimes be honest with her and tell her that I need "a little space", she just completely shuts me out and doesn't reply to my messages for a week tops.
I know this makes me sound VERY confused, and most likely I am. I feel like I am so scared of commitment, while she has NO problem to leave her entire life behind just for the chance to be with me. And that really puts a lot of pressure on me.
She "knows" all this stuff, I'm sure. I haven't told her word-by-word exactly how I feel because I just hate seeing her get mad and sad. And boy, when she gets sad, it's hell. I get texts from her cousins (which I do NOT know) begging me to talk to her because she's pretty messed up.
I feel like I am so messed up that sometimes, I get mad at her for stupid little things on purpose, just because (maybe??) sometimes I want HER to break up with ME so I don't look like the bad guy. God, that makes me THE worst human being on this planet, and I know that, trust me. What's even more confusing is that when we DO break-up, sometimes I eventually miss her (which is a terrible thing to say because, well, I'm supposed to miss her a lot, I guess? Like, all the time?)
I think this pretty much means I don't love her, right? But sometimes ,when we're texting in the middle of the night, I just feel so comfortable with her and it feel "right" to have her in my life. I don't know. I am just so messed up.
To make things worse, there's this guy. Ugh. He's been my best friend for the past 6-7 years, and we're pretty much inseparable. She basically blames HIM for why me and her don't work "as a couple". She says I am way too attached to him (and I'd be lying if I said I'm not) and that she doesn't HATE him, she just wishes that SHE was the person getting my attention all the time, and not him.
It's true, that part. I feel like I'm too attached to him, and I worry about him and want to talk to him all the time. This just adds to my confusion... Okay, what the hell? What am I, gay now? (Not that that would be a problem, hope no one gets offended!) But it just totally adds to my confusion.
She asked me something the other day: "If he got mad at you for something, how long would it take you to try to fix things between you two?" And it really made me thing. Because the answer, plain and simple, would be: just a few minutes (hours, tops). I can't have him mad at me. It physically and emotionally KILLS me. I'd want to fix our relationship as fast as possible while every time me and HER fight, I could actually go on a few days (weeks even!) and not mind. But eventually, I WOULD care.
Sorry for the rant and the long post. It all just HAD to come out. :)