Cannot shake this feeling

[HunterSteele]

Hey guys. To make a very, very long story short, I've never been able to make friends, ever since I first started school. By some miracle this year, I did it. It wasn't easy and we had our ups and downs, but I've gotten farther than I ever have before. You can read the whole story here (http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/showthread.php?t=166309) if you want, although it's not that important. We'll call him Chase just for a name to refer to.

The problem is in the past I've had such a hard time making friends. I'd talk to someone friendly for a while and get so excited about maybe finally having made a friend. But after weeks, or sometimes months, they'd just stop talking to me-- or even start picking on me-- for no reason. I always wondered why, since I couldn't think of anything specific I'd done to cause them to stop liking me so abruptly, and if they never liked me in the first place why'd they lead me on?

Even though I've been talking to Chase for months, well longer than anyone else, and he's even walked home with me and agreed to hang out sometime, I just cannot shake the feeling that this will happen one day. Whenever he takes too long to text me back (or doesn't), or walks past me in the hallway at school without saying hi, I freak out and think it's finally happened. It's worse when I see him with his other friends.

Of course this is never the case. Eventually he texts me, or I talk to him at school and everything is just fine. Obviously Chase has other friends and there's nothing wrong with that, and he can't spend every waking moment of his life talking to me. I've only known him for 8 months and I know building relationships takes time.

I should be patient and take it one step at a time. But this feeling is driving me crazy. I think about it at school, and it keeps me awake at night. It haunts me, and there's no escape from it. How can I learn to be patient and feel better?

[Guillermo]

Friendships do take time to build, so you're doing the right thing about being patient. I know that it's driving you crazy, but you have to think - if you don't keep taking the chance, then how will you ever know? It sucks to hurt because of people that you've tried to become friends with and then they drift away - I know for a fact. People can be cruel.

I think that really all you have to do is keep building your friendship with him. You guys should definitely hang out more and do stuff together. And try not to stress too much over it. I know it means a lot to you but you're doing very well so far with your friendship and you should just continue building onto it. :)

[justin 13]

Dude I think you r a great guy! I'm sure u will find more friends! some tips, volunteer activities r a good place to meet new people.

[HunterSteele]

Thank you for your replies. Unfortunately, you're both wrong.

Sure enough, it happened today. Chase was sick Friday, the day we were going to hang out, so I called him today to see how he was doing. He reluctantly admitted he more or less exaggerated his symptoms to stay home from school that day, and he didn't tell me because he was in fact partially sick, so technically he wasn't lying.

I said I'd been looking forward to hanging out, maybe we can do it some other time. Then he said he had exams to study for, he was busy, and he was trying to save his money. I said that's alright, we have the whole summer, he can let me know when he wants to. He told me he was out biking with his friend. I found it unusual he'd be doing that when he supposedly had so many exams to study for, but I didn't say anything because I didn't want to get confrontational.

Instead I suggested we go biking sometime, or maybe has he tried longboarding because I've always wanted to learn. He said he barely knows me, and we've only known each other for 9 months. I was like what? How much time do you need? I asked to go bike riding, not for you to be best man at my wedding. He said he doesn't feel like doing anything with me because he doesn't know me and he'd rather hang out with his friends.

Why was I only hearing this now? If he didn't want to hang out, why didn't he just say something when I first asked and I'd have tried looking for other friends. At that point he put his friend on, who'd been listening the whole time because Chase had me on speakerphone.

His friend asked me why I kept asking Chase to hang out when he doesn't want to, and I said this is the first time I ever heard Chase say he didn't want to and I always thought he was honestly just busy before. His friend said Chase has made it clear now, so I should find someone else to hang out with. He said, "Is that so impossible for you to do?" and I wanted to say "Yes, because Chase is the only friend I have," but I figured he might say Chase was never my friend, so I just said I'd find someone else.

He asked me if I was Chase's wife or girlfriend that I had to hang out with him all the time. I figured I was screwed anyway so I might as well try to piss him off. I said yes and asked if he was Chase's boyfriend since they were going cycling together. Did they have one of those tandem bikes? I asked, "So can we share Chase?" and he hung up on me.

I get it, Chase has no more obligation to hang out with me or even be friends with me than anyone else on this planet. And I know he was trying to be nice and avoid hurting my feelings. But I really wish he'd just said no. He sounded like he legitimately wanted to when he said yes, how was I to tell?

Chase and I had a good run. He has been nice to me this year, in ways no one else has, and that means something to me no matter what. It still hurts though, because I really thought we'd be friends for a long time. I was so proud of myself for finally having found a friend after all this time, but now I'm finding out maybe I didn't. This feeling is familiar to me. Like I said in my opening post, this is not the first time this has happened. But it's the first time after I've been friends with someone for so long. Everyone else quit after a few months-- it never lasted a whole school year.

[Miri]

Thank you for your replies. Unfortunately, you're both wrong.

Sure enough, it happened today. Chase was sick Friday, the day we were going to hang out, so I called him today to see how he was doing. He reluctantly admitted he more or less exaggerated his symptoms to stay home from school that day, and he didn't tell me because he was in fact partially sick, so technically he wasn't lying.

I said I'd been looking forward to hanging out, maybe we can do it some other time. Then he said he had exams to study for, he was busy, and he was trying to save his money. I said that's alright, we have the whole summer, he can let me know when he wants to. He told me he was out biking with his friend. I found it unusual he'd be doing that when he supposedly had so many exams to study for, but I didn't say anything because I didn't want to get confrontational.

Instead I suggested we go biking sometime, or maybe has he tried longboarding because I've always wanted to learn. He said he barely knows me, and we've only known each other for 9 months. I was like what? How much time do you need? I asked to go bike riding, not for you to be best man at my wedding. He said he doesn't feel like doing anything with me because he doesn't know me and he'd rather hang out with his friends.

Why was I only hearing this now? If he didn't want to hang out, why didn't he just say something when I first asked and I'd have tried looking for other friends. At that point he put his friend on, who'd been listening the whole time because Chase had me on speakerphone.

His friend asked me why I kept asking Chase to hang out when he doesn't want to, and I said this is the first time I ever heard Chase say he didn't want to and I always thought he was honestly just busy before. His friend said Chase has made it clear now, so I should find someone else to hang out with. He said, "Is that so impossible for you to do?" and I wanted to say "Yes, because Chase is the only friend I have," but I figured he might say Chase was never my friend, so I just said I'd find someone else.

He asked me if I was Chase's wife or girlfriend that I had to hang out with him all the time. I figured I was screwed anyway so I might as well try to piss him off. I said yes and asked if he was Chase's boyfriend since they were going cycling together. Did they have one of those tandem bikes? I asked, "So can we share Chase?" and he hung up on me.

I get it, Chase has no more obligation to hang out with me or even be friends with me than anyone else on this planet. And I know he was trying to be nice and avoid hurting my feelings. But I really wish he'd just said no. He sounded like he legitimately wanted to when he said yes, how was I to tell?

Chase and I had a good run. He has been nice to me this year, in ways no one else has, and that means something to me no matter what. It still hurts though, because I really thought we'd be friends for a long time. I was so proud of myself for finally having found a friend after all this time, but now I'm finding out maybe I didn't. This feeling is familiar to me. Like I said in my opening post, this is not the first time this has happened. But it's the first time after I've been friends with someone for so long. Everyone else quit after a few months-- it never lasted a whole school year.

I'm sorry that happened to you.

My advice: Don't give up so easily. Talk to him when you know he's alone, and apologize for being rude to his friend. I know the friend was rude to you first, but it'll make Chase feel better if you do.

Second thing I wanted to tell you: You may not know this, but most guys have 2 personalities. They probably don't even realize that they do. They have the one they have when they're alone with you, and the one they have when they're around their friends, and will do anything to fit in. I've had guys who are nice to me be complete jerks when they're around their other friends, because it makes them "cool" or something.

Anyways, if Chase's friends aren't so keen on you, he may feel that he will be outcast from his little social group if he doesn't feel the same way, so just acts in a completely different manner when he is around them, even if he does,t believe in what he's doing. I know it's a pretty jerk move, but it happens more than you would think.

Just let him have a chance.

[muffin with a knife]

I don't really know what to say. Chase seems a bit of a jerk at this point. Maybe you should try to find someone else if talking to him again it's impossible.
If you need someone to talk to I'm here for you.