Mob Boss
May 18th, 2013, 04:10 PM
It feels weird posting a thread in here, because I usually only come to this section to help out others, but this has been building up...
I thought I had completely recovered (ednos, leaning towards anorexia), but lately all of these unhealthy thoughts have started flooding in. I keep finding myself on these old ana sites and looking up pictures. And I've started doing this habit I used to do where I run my fingers along my collarbones and spine to feel the bones. I even started talking to my old ana buddy. It's just become kind of overwhelming because for once I'm at a healthy weight for my height.....and I hate myself for it. I hate how I feel now in comparison to when I'd used to get on a scale every hour or so and restrict to an amount that wouldn't even satisfy an infant. I bought three different scales this morning. And living on my own with just my sister means there is no one to monitor my every move. My sister, well, she thinks it's just like a game. She asks if she can fast with me and....it doesn't help . I don't want to relapse, but i'm not happy. I just hate this constant feeling of inadequacy and I want control over... something in my life again. I feel like I'm drowning, and I think i'm okay with that.
I thought I had completely recovered (ednos, leaning towards anorexia), but lately all of these unhealthy thoughts have started flooding in. I keep finding myself on these old ana sites and looking up pictures. And I've started doing this habit I used to do where I run my fingers along my collarbones and spine to feel the bones. I even started talking to my old ana buddy. It's just become kind of overwhelming because for once I'm at a healthy weight for my height.....and I hate myself for it. I hate how I feel now in comparison to when I'd used to get on a scale every hour or so and restrict to an amount that wouldn't even satisfy an infant. I bought three different scales this morning. And living on my own with just my sister means there is no one to monitor my every move. My sister, well, she thinks it's just like a game. She asks if she can fast with me and....it doesn't help . I don't want to relapse, but i'm not happy. I just hate this constant feeling of inadequacy and I want control over... something in my life again. I feel like I'm drowning, and I think i'm okay with that.