Boy asked me

[germangirl]

Hey,
it’s hard to explain and I’m sorry for my miserable English, but I need some advises so I hope you’ll get what I mean.

There’s a boy in my school, he doesn’t live far away from me, but I don’t really know him because I moved here only two years ago. We had a class together last year and had to do a project with another girl. We met at my house a few times for preparing the project stuff. He is very unconfident and doesn’t talk much at all, but he’s nice and polite. A few weeks after this project I received a text message (he had my number because for organizing the school thing) where he asked me out. I was very confused, because I never thought of him that way and didn’t know what to answer. To cut a long story short, we met one time. It was nice, but it felt kind of uncomfortable though. Because he doesn’t talk much we mostly just sit there in uneasy silence until one of us could think of a new question to ask and after that silence again. I think you can imagine..

I told him we can’t meet again, because I wasn’t ready for anything (I had to suffer a lot with depression last year), and he was very comforting and said he can wait. Now he asked me again to go out – it has been a long time since we talked last time (we don’t have any classes together now, so I guess it’s about half a year). I don’t know whether I should go out with him again or not. He’s kind of a “wallflower” and got bullied a lot in school, so he’s shy and careful. I mean, yes, he’s always been very friendly and nice, but I prefer boys who you can talk and laugh with, who are confident, who you can meet without feeling uncomfortable – but maybe he just needs time to get to know me.. On the other hand I don’t want to raise his hopes and let him down when it doesn’t change.. I’m confused.:(

I’m sorry for the length. I would be pleased with your opinions.

[Lofiel]

You know, he could be just as great as any other guy if some one would give him a chance... but no one will give him a chance. He is probably dealing with depression like you, and if you say no I guarantee it will crush him especially when he is just trying to be nice and polite to you!Ask him to go some where that you two don't need to talk much, like a movie! If you go to a movie you can see each other without talking.

It takes me a long time to be comfortable around a girl, but once I am I talk to her no different than if she was my best buddy since I was a kid. You say you don't want to get his hopes up... but if he never gets his hopes up, he will always be down! At least try before deciding against it.

[unnamed94]

go to the movies with a group of friends or whatever. get to know him better and maybe he will open up to you. im also shy whenever i meet new people but after a while you get comfortable and talk around like anyone else. if hes nice and polite to you, then give him a chance.

[Lofiel]

go to the movies with a group of friends or whatever. get to know him better and maybe he will open up to you. im also shy whenever i meet new people but after a while you get comfortable and talk around like anyone else. if hes nice and polite to you, then give him a chance. Do not go out with a group. I cannot speak with a group, alone with a woman I'm a chatterbox - but put me with a group of people and I won't even say one damn word.

[germangirl]

Thank you very much! It was important for me to get a boy's view on it. I think I'll try, thanks

[Lofiel]

Good luck, the very worst that will happen is it doesn't go right. =) At least you tried!

[drew6]

Hey,
it’s hard to explain and I’m sorry for my miserable English, but I need some advises so I hope you’ll get what I mean.

There’s a boy in my school, he doesn’t live far away from me, but I don’t really know him because I moved here only two years ago. We had a class together last year and had to do a project with another girl. We met at my house a few times for preparing the project stuff. He is very unconfident and doesn’t talk much at all, but he’s nice and polite. A few weeks after this project I received a text message (he had my number because for organizing the school thing) where he asked me out. I was very confused, because I never thought of him that way and didn’t know what to answer. To cut a long story short, we met one time. It was nice, but it felt kind of uncomfortable though. Because he doesn’t talk much we mostly just sit there in uneasy silence until one of us could think of a new question to ask and after that silence again. I think you can imagine..

I told him we can’t meet again, because I wasn’t ready for anything (I had to suffer a lot with depression last year), and he was very comforting and said he can wait. Now he asked me again to go out – it has been a long time since we talked last time (we don’t have any classes together now, so I guess it’s about half a year). I don’t know whether I should go out with him again or not. He’s kind of a “wallflower” and got bullied a lot in school, so he’s shy and careful. I mean, yes, he’s always been very friendly and nice, but I prefer boys who you can talk and laugh with, who are confident, who you can meet without feeling uncomfortable – but maybe he just needs time to get to know me.. On the other hand I don’t want to raise his hopes and let him down when it doesn’t change.. I’m confused.:(

I’m sorry for the length. I would be pleased with your opinions.

It doesn't seem like you want to go at all, but are only considering just to avoid getting asked every so often. This guy has been waiting months for you and probably is much more interested in you than you're aware of and I think by going on a date with him will think he has a chance. If he doesn't have a chance, I just tell him what you've already said to us, but in a different way.

Maybe say "I'm interested in someone else right now" - which is the universal way for girls to say "I'm not interested in you". And that's okay because it's nice and he'll get the idea. If he presses you as to who it is, just be more blunt, "Well, I'm not going to say, but not interested in going out on a date with you".

Guys shouldn't pester girls. No means no. "I'm interested in someone else right now" also means no. "I'm not interested in a relationship right now" also means no.

The awkward silences would be awful and you mentioned "wall flower" and so it seems like you want an outgoing guy and you should look for that guy. Don't worry, I don't think you will crush him by saying no.

I don't think there is much to be gained from a forced relationship or a pity date. It's even kind of hurtful because it's dishonest. If you lead him on, it will create problems for both of you because he'll think there is something good between you future plans and you'll think well, at least I went out with him and now maybe he'll leave me alone.

Guys: When a girl says no, you aren't a bad person, at all. They're just not interested and that's okay. Perfectly okay. Would you want to go out on a date with someone you're not into? No. Not at all. I don't even look at it as rejection. I think girls do us a favor when they say no because we aren't being lead on and we can go look elsewhere.

[HockeyLovesMe]

Thank you very much! It was important for me to get a boy's view on it. I think I'll try, thanks

ya well if yur not gonna be happy wth him then do not go out with him cuz if u drag him along then you will have to break up with him and that wld be really really sucky.. but i would try to be his friend thogh.. if it was me i would want a girl to be nice to me but say we can just be friends but not boyfriend and girlfriend :wub:

you are very cute by the way just sayin haha :)

[germangirl]

I don't think there is much to be gained from a forced relationship or a pity date. It's even kind of hurtful because it's dishonest. If you lead him on, it will create problems for both of you because he'll think there is something good between you future plans and you'll think well, at least I went out with him and now maybe he'll leave me alone.

I totally agree with you and I would say the same thing to someone else. But I guess I'm just thinking too much about it.. Every time when I wanted to answer one of his text messages with something like you said "I'm interested in someone else.” I start thinking again, like, whether it could be the wrong decision; maybe I just should give him a chance. I’m not quite sure if I like him or not.

I was in a similar situation before with another boy – but that wasn’t as complicated as now, because my first thought was “No.” and I didn’t like him at all. Now I’m confused, because I never had this straight thought on the boy now, neither “Yes, why not?” nor “Absolutely no.”.

But isn't it kind of selfish to go out with him just for me to decide whether I like him or not?

By the way, thanks Sam ;)

[drew6]

I totally agree with you and I would say the same thing to someone else. But I guess I'm just thinking too much about it.. Every time when I wanted to answer one of his text messages with something like you said "I'm interested in someone else.” I start thinking again, like, whether it could be the wrong decision; maybe I just should give him a chance. I’m not quite sure if I like him or not.

I was in a similar situation before with another boy – but that wasn’t as complicated as now, because my first thought was “No.” and I didn’t like him at all. Now I’m confused, because I never had this straight thought on the boy now, neither “Yes, why not?” nor “Absolutely no.”.

But isn't it kind of selfish to go out with him just for me to decide whether I like him or not?

By the way, thanks Sam ;)

It is totally not selfish to go out with him to see if you like him or not!
As a guy, that's why we're asking you!
We know you're not in love with us or anything. When we ask a girl out we're saying: Hey I think I like that girl, i'm kinda attracted to her (or maybe a lot it depends) and I wonder if there's more of a connection between us.

Asking you out on a date is the first step in seeing if there is a connection.

So while you and I both agree with what I wrote previously, I have to change my answer now. haha And the answer is definitely go! If you don't know, it's the only way to find out.

And I'll predict two futures for you:
1. You find he's just as difficult to carry on a conversation with as he has been. - big awkward pauses.
2. You learn a little about him and maybe like him a little or much more.

The problem with going out on a date is that we make it into this big thing and it doesn't have to be that way, but it seems like 2 people get together in what is supposed to be a somewhat romantic thing and they don't even know each other that well.

So the date should be something low stress or don't even call it a date. What I do before I start dating a girl is get to know her first and I do it in a really low stress way:

Hey Alica! Some kids from school are coming over to my house to swim this Saturday and I thought of you and thought you might want to come over too with some of your friends or just you. Here's my number, give it a think and text me. Then I'd tell her who was likely to show up.

So now I've let you know that I thought of her and invited her to something that's:
1. Not a date.
2. A way to get to know you just a little bit, not a lot.
3. You would always have someone you know well to talk to, her friends.
4. Totally low pressure, because it's something to do where we could talk a while but we don't have the pressure of "is he gonna kiss me", "what if she says no" etc. etc. It's just something to do.
5. You and your friends can meet new people.
6. In this instance, you see my house and how I am around my friends and what they are like.
7. You may really have other plans and if you are even just a tiny bit interested, but couldn't go, you'd make it clear you were reallyyyy disappointed and to please call you the next time I'm doing something like that.

Other non-date things I invite girls to do:
Hey Alica ya wanna get some coffee some time?
Hey Alica, Christmas, mother's day, fathers day is coming up, ya feel like hitting the mall (go shopping with me)?
Hey Alica, if ya ever need help in math, biology (list classes I am doing well in) we could go to the library or you could come over or I go there? Let me know.
Hey Alica, I need help in xyz class, I was wondering if you could help me?


Basically I can invite you to all the stuff I do with my friends already and if we feel a connection after a while, I'll ask you to go to the movies or dinner or a concert as a date.

So let's the guy your thinking of doesn't think like that. That's okay, you can suggest that type of stuff.

Now I really hope you do go do something with him because you just don't know how you feel about him. Notice I didn't call it a date. Hey, maybe take all the pressure off and tell him your not ready for a date with him, but you don't know how you feel, so let's go do some stuff together and see what we think?

[Rob.h2567]

If the kid has been bullied before and especially if the subject is hard for him he is probably trying to make sue you do not make fun of him before he opens up.

[germangirl]

You're damn right! Thanks, I really appreciate your standpoint in terms of dating. I wish more guys were more relaxed about dating; things would become so much easier. Awesome answer!

[germangirl]

If the kid has been bullied before and especially if the subject is hard for him he is probably trying to make sue you do not make fun of him before he opens up.

Yes, you're right. That was something we talked about last year..

[HuntedDom]

Man, I feel for this poor guy. I guess I went/am going through the same thing at school - I've always been "that loser" and I probably always will be. I was raised to be seen and not heard, preferably neither seen nor heard so I'm very socially awkward around anybody. I have a hard time speaking my opinion (though I usually always have one) because I was raised not too.
I have a hard time with girls because I'm not outgoing and I know that I'm hard to deal with and most don't have the time or effort. I have a hard time with guys because I'm not one of the "big jocks" but more of the smaller "pretty boy".
I've since discovered alcohol and it sort of burst my horrible social bubble, and I've been with girls since. Not that that's the way to go. I know I've always just been in a "using" relationship, but the attention is good for awhile. School still sucks because I showed up drunk once and got my father called and that's not going to happen again. But after I can be someone else. Sort of like here.
It would be great, however, to find someone I could talk too, sober, although I realise I'm sort of a lost cause.

Anyhow, I guess I'm saying I wouldn't write him off because he's socially clumsy. Maybe you could be the person to bring him out of his shell so he's capable of making you laugh and smile and enjoy the day.
Even if it doesn't work out as a boyfriend/girlfriend thing, I bet you'd find a friend.

[unnamed94]

Do not go out with a group. I cannot speak with a group, alone with a woman I'm a chatterbox - but put me with a group of people and I won't even say one damn word.

this guy is supposed to be shy, so maybe when they are with ome other friends he wont feel the pressure of having to talk all the time or whatever. she could start to get know him better and he could start to feel more comfortable with her and open up.

@drew: totally agree about what you said on makig a big deal of a date. its just a way to meet and get to know each other and it doesnt need to have a romantic feeling or whatever (cant think of a way to say this in english).

[unnamed94]

Man, I feel for this poor guy. I guess I went/am going through the same thing at school - I've always been "that loser" and I probably always will be. I was raised to be seen and not heard, preferably neither seen nor heard so I'm very socially awkward around anybody. I have a hard time speaking my opinion (though I usually always have one) because I was raised not too.
I have a hard time with girls because I'm not outgoing and I know that I'm hard to deal with and most don't have the time or effort. I have a hard time with guys because I'm not one of the "big jocks" but more of the smaller "pretty boy".
I've since discovered alcohol and it sort of burst my horrible social bubble, and I've been with girls since. Not that that's the way to go. I know I've always just been in a "using" relationship, but the attention is good for awhile. School still sucks because I showed up drunk once and got my father called and that's not going to happen again. But after I can be someone else. Sort of like here.
It would be great, however, to find someone I could talk too, sober, although I realise I'm sort of a lost cause.

Anyhow, I guess I'm saying I wouldn't write him off because he's socially clumsy. Maybe you could be the person to bring him out of his shell so he's capable of making you laugh and smile and enjoy the day.
Even if it doesn't work out as a boyfriend/girlfriend thing, I bet you'd find a friend.

alcohol is not the answer to your problems. i was even more shy when i was around 13-14 so i used to drink at parties to have fun or whatever. then i suddenly realized that i needed alcohol now to be able to talk to people and do stuff. now i just have some drinks and i dont feel the need to drink to have a conversation with friends or even with people i just meet. im not as shy as i used to be and i have a better time. i have a friend who is 21 now (or 20 im not sure) who is totally weird when hes around girls and he cant even talk to them like a normal person without having a drink before. trust me you dont want to go as far as that.

[germangirl]

I've since discovered alcohol and it sort of burst my horrible social bubble, and I've been with girls since. Not that that's the way to go. I know I've always just been in a "using" relationship, but the attention is good for awhile. School still sucks because I showed up drunk once and got my father called and that's not going to happen again. But after I can be someone else. Sort of like here.

Alcohol is a very strange thing. Since we’re both living in Germany it’s legal for us to drink alcohol on public events like a party. It really makes things a lot easier. For example our age group from school (not sure if my choice of words is right..) throws a party once a month. It’s really nice, because nearly everybody shows up there, and, yes, music, dance, alcohol, good mood! Unfortunately, he’s only been there once. We talked so .. normal.. without any pressure or uncomfortable feelings, but we can’t be drunk every time we meet, can we?

[Lofiel]

this guy is supposed to be shy, so maybe when they are with ome other friends he wont feel the pressure of having to talk all the time or whatever. she could start to get know him better and he could start to feel more comfortable with her and open up.

@drew: totally agree about what you said on makig a big deal of a date. its just a way to meet and get to know each other and it doesnt need to have a romantic feeling or whatever (cant think of a way to say this in english). I'm just going to be frank; as a shy person I know damn well that in groups it gets harder to talk. Everyone else gets so busy talking to each other (including the girl I was out with), I just end up leaving.

Alcohol is a very strange thing. Since we’re both living in Germany it’s legal for us to drink alcohol on public events like a party. It really makes things a lot easier. For example our age group from school (not sure if my choice of words is right..) throws a party once a month. It’s really nice, because nearly everybody shows up there, and, yes, music, dance, alcohol, good mood! Unfortunately, he’s only been there once. We talked so .. normal.. without any pressure or uncomfortable feelings, but we can’t be drunk every time we meet, can we? Some times, a bit of alcohol can help. Sharing one beer together and watching your favorite show may actually help you both, but don't go getting drunk... When I'm drunk I just end up making no sense, and a lot of it.

Ich mag Deutschland... :yeah:

[HuntedDom]

Alcohol is a very strange thing. Since we’re both living in Germany it’s legal for us to drink alcohol on public events like a party. It really makes things a lot easier. For example our age group from school (not sure if my choice of words is right..) throws a party once a month. It’s really nice, because nearly everybody shows up there, and, yes, music, dance, alcohol, good mood! Unfortunately, he’s only been there once. We talked so .. normal.. without any pressure or uncomfortable feelings, but we can’t be drunk every time we meet, can we?

No, no, that wasn't what I was saying, sorry. That is just the way I personally deal with it.
It doesn't sound like he is much of a drinker though, so maybe talking about interests will find you two a common ground? Like horseback riding or movies ordancing or whatever..

Unnamed, I'm a little too late.

[Bobbyhill]

Do not go out with a group. I cannot speak with a group, alone with a woman I'm a chatterbox - but put me with a group of people and I won't even say one damn word.

Wow that's like the opposite from me

[chezhans]

Wow that's an amazingly interesting story...all I can say is that go ahead with what you really feel, because it sounds like you are not really interested in him...at all, in fact you find him strange to say that. Go with what you feel...you control the relationship essentially.

And yes, you are very very pretty :)

[germangirl]

Thank you all for sharing your opinions, it was very helpful to get different views on that. I have to reject our date for Saturday, because my cousin celebrates his birthday (no, that’s no stupid excuse), but I think we’ll meet in the next few weeks, and then I’ll see how it goes on!

[taylorbaby]

it doesn't have to be a date, just be two friends going out together and see how that comes out. he sounds very sweet. and both of your keep your hands on the outside of your clothes.

[germangirl]

By the way: We met yesterday at a party. He was there with a friend, and I with a group of people. It’s definitely better if more people are around than just he and me. We talked a bit, we danced together, yeah.. Nice evening. Today I got a text message from him which says “it was really nice yesterday, hope we can meet again”. I think I’ll try to get to know him in a friend-way and then I’ll look what happens. Thanks for your advises, I’m glad that I did try!