Roses_Are_Yellow
May 15th, 2013, 01:40 AM
My best friend, who's basically like my family moved about a year ago, and I feel like she and I have been slowly growing a part. I mean, I saw it coming but it kinda sucks to have it happen you know. We still talk, but it's just not the same as it was before. I don't feel like I can talk to her a much about things going on in my life, because a few weeks ago stuff happened at my school where all of a sudden people started talking about my appearance and judging me, and one day I just got so frustrated and I ranted on about how much I hated school and the people there and she kinda made me feel like crap when she asked how I thought she felt. I know she's not going through an easy time, but I wasn't having the time of my life either. I basically spilled by feelings out to her, something I don't do a lot by the way due to the fact I'm not the type to talk about the things I feel, and I just felt frustrated and upset that she couldn't let me vent without making a negative comment about it. I'm always there when she needs someone to talk to, and I never judge her for shit, and one of the times I just needed her to be there for me to just say things like "It'll be okay." even if she didn't know; she wasn't there for me though. I guess i just felt pretty let down is all.
She and I are also pretty competitive even if we never mention it, and I guess I also feel like crap a lot because she'll always get better grades, people love her, and she'll always be the prettier one. It's stupid, but she brings out a lot of my insecurities without even realizing it which says a lot of horrible things about me.
I also feel bad about how jealous I've become of her new friends. There's an irrational side of me that's telling me that I'm being replaced, and I get kinda annoyed when she sends me pictures of them together which makes me feel even more guilty because I should be happy for her and here I am being selfish. Plus also, I switched schools a few years ago and I made a group of friends that I would always talk about, and I feel like I don't have a right to feel any of this when I probably made her feel like shit first. I feel so bad for being selfish, but at the same time I just wish she'd just ask me about life and stuff. She does every now and then, but she doesn't really seem to care you know? Plus I'll tell her about really stupid things my friends did and she doesn't even pretend to care. When she talks about hers, at least I make an attempt at it and try to seem interested even if I might not be. I'm sure she cares about me, but it just seems like we talk about the things she's going through more. Maybe I'm exaggerating I don't know. Maybe it's all in my head, and maybe I'm being unfair. I just feel a combination of hurt, guilt, frustration, jealousy, and sadness all at once and I just want it to stop. Uhg it's just a mess...anyway, I just needed to get this out. Sorry for that train wreck of a paragraph. :(
She and I are also pretty competitive even if we never mention it, and I guess I also feel like crap a lot because she'll always get better grades, people love her, and she'll always be the prettier one. It's stupid, but she brings out a lot of my insecurities without even realizing it which says a lot of horrible things about me.
I also feel bad about how jealous I've become of her new friends. There's an irrational side of me that's telling me that I'm being replaced, and I get kinda annoyed when she sends me pictures of them together which makes me feel even more guilty because I should be happy for her and here I am being selfish. Plus also, I switched schools a few years ago and I made a group of friends that I would always talk about, and I feel like I don't have a right to feel any of this when I probably made her feel like shit first. I feel so bad for being selfish, but at the same time I just wish she'd just ask me about life and stuff. She does every now and then, but she doesn't really seem to care you know? Plus I'll tell her about really stupid things my friends did and she doesn't even pretend to care. When she talks about hers, at least I make an attempt at it and try to seem interested even if I might not be. I'm sure she cares about me, but it just seems like we talk about the things she's going through more. Maybe I'm exaggerating I don't know. Maybe it's all in my head, and maybe I'm being unfair. I just feel a combination of hurt, guilt, frustration, jealousy, and sadness all at once and I just want it to stop. Uhg it's just a mess...anyway, I just needed to get this out. Sorry for that train wreck of a paragraph. :(