I don't know what the word for this is

[jayyy-lmao]

So, in Ireland, we have a class called SPHE, which stands for Social Personal Health Education. One of the things we learn about is bullying, and we have this class once a week. I dread it. When I'm in that class, I can't think straight. I have flashbacks, I feel on edge, I feel really conscious. Like everyone can see right through me. She talks about homophobic bullying, and I feel like everyone is staring at me, being the only non-heterosexual in my class. She mentions cutting, and my eyes flick to my wrists, and all those painful memories come flooding back to me, of wanting to hurt, of wanting to die. I don't know what this is. That class messes with my mind. Any help, guys, any at all, would be great. Thanks.

[HunterBlue]

I guess everyone is sort of looking at you.

So what if they are though. You haven't done anything wrong.

I really this thing about girls (and guys i guess too) cutting themselves would just stop. I'm noticing how many problems it makes for people later.

I think you're going to have to develop a thicker skin because those marks will always be there and everyone knows your bi. But you haven't done anything really wrong so ignite the clowns with their staring. They're not better than you. Maybe if they pay attention they'll learn more about you and who you are.

[jayyy-lmao]

I guess everyone is sort of looking at you.

So what if they are though. You haven't done anything wrong.

I really this thing about girls (and guys i guess too) cutting themselves would just stop. I'm noticing how many problems it makes for people later.

I think you're going to have to develop a thicker skin because those marks will always be there and everyone knows your bi. But you haven't done anything really wrong so ignite the clowns with their staring. They're not better than you. Maybe if they pay attention they'll learn more about you and who you are.

The thing is, nobody is looking at me. They're just being bored to death by the dumb class.

[HunterBlue]

Okay. So it just FEELS like they are?

[jayyy-lmao]

Okay. So it just FEELS like they are?

Yeah. I just feel really insecure in that class, like my ghosts are haunting me.

[HunterBlue]

Okay. Well. Maybe they are. What are they saying to you? Give me adjectives to describe your feelings.

The cutting thing I get. But you don't have issues being bi do you? I mean that doesn't haunt you dies it? You don't regret that right?

I hate talking like this in the open forums but why did you cut yourself?

[jayyy-lmao]

Okay. Well. Maybe they are. What are they saying to you? Give me adjectives to describe your feelings.

The cutting thing I get. But you don't have issues being bi do you? I mean that doesn't haunt you dies it? You don't regret that right?

I hate talking like this in the open forums but why did you cut yourself?

Feelings? I feel exposed. Out and alone. Like I'm standing in the middle of Old Trafford with everyone in the stands staring into my soul.
I don't have issues with being bi, but it's hard. I have a crush on my best friend. :/
I never cut myself. I scratched. The temptation still stands, and I was suicidal before. :(

[HunterBlue]

Okay. So I guess what you're saying is, being in that class brings up a lot of memories and flashbacks. And those memories and stuff make you feel vulnerable and exposed. And you don't feel comfortable feeling vulnerable and exposed because you end up feeling insecure and isolated.
Am I right or is that totally wrong?

You know, there's nothing wrong with being vulnerable or even being alone. Although it sure does suck. It's good to feel sure. And it's good to have someone to be with. When you want that and don't have it, it can really sort of grind you down until you feel like dust. You just want it so bad. But you should never cut yourself or kill yourself or even scratch yourself. You just have to be strong and I know it's hard to be strong alone. Sometimes you want someone there to help hold you up at times. A lot of people turn to religion for that sort of stuff.

Just wondering. Do you have anything you do? Hobbies or teams or anything? I know that totally sounds like a stupid question.

[Bethany]

I get what you mean. I don't have a class like that, but when LGBT topics or topics about things I've struggled with come up in conversation, I always feel very...exposed I guess would be the best word for it. Like everyone can bore through my head and see what I'm thinking. I don't really have much good advice though...just try to remember that people aren't scrutinizing you. Easier said than done, I know :D

[jayyy-lmao]

Okay. So I guess what you're saying is, being in that class brings up a lot of memories and flashbacks. And those memories and stuff make you feel vulnerable and exposed. And you don't feel comfortable feeling vulnerable and exposed because you end up feeling insecure and isolated.
Am I right or is that totally wrong?

You know, there's nothing wrong with being vulnerable or even being alone. Although it sure does suck. It's good to feel sure. And it's good to have someone to be with. When you want that and don't have it, it can really sort of grind you down until you feel like dust. You just want it so bad. But you should never cut yourself or kill yourself or even scratch yourself. You just have to be strong and I know it's hard to be strong alone. Sometimes you want someone there to help hold you up at times. A lot of people turn to religion for that sort of stuff.

Just wondering. Do you have anything you do? Hobbies or teams or anything? I know that totally sounds like a stupid question.

You're totally right. Most people think I'm a rock. I'm not. And things I do? I play guitar and piano and sing. I wrote my first song last night.

[HunterBlue]

There's this story I read a long time ago. It was the true account of this guy named Xenophon, who lived in ancient greece 2500 years ago. He's trapped behind enemy lines and his situation is hopeless. He's miserable. No help is coming. He has no friends. Everything around his is dark. I remember reading it and feeling wow...that's totally me (except I wasn't fighting anyone with swords).

But he realises that he must take matters into his own hands. No one is coming to help him, so he must help him self. He takes on a kiss my ass attitude. And he makes it all the way back safely.

I know that's all easy to say. Like...its that easy. Just be awesome and it will all turn out. Seriously I know its a lot more harder than that.

But still, you have to develop some strength. And i think maybe that strength might come from your music. You said you're not a rock. But you have to try to be. Not forever. Just for now until the stupid class is over. And things will get better. Maybe not today. And maybe not tomorrow. But eventually they will.

So who cares if you feel they are looking at you? So what about your scratches. You play the guitar and you write songs. And those songs are like a recording of your life,right? Not just your life but your feelings, too. And every song you write is only going to get better than the last one. Writing songs is something you want to do, and that class? That class is just some stupid thing you do on the side.. It means nothing.

I wish I was there for you and I could encourage you, but I'm not. All I can do is just urge you to keep going until that crap class is over and done with.

That's probably a lot of stupid crap I wrote..but I hope it helps .

[jayyy-lmao]

There's this story I read a long time ago. It was the true account of this guy named Xenophon, who lived in ancient greece 2500 years ago. He's trapped behind enemy lines and his situation is hopeless. He's miserable. No help is coming. He has no friends. Everything around his is dark. I remember reading it and feeling wow...that's totally me (except I wasn't fighting anyone with swords).

But he realises that he must take matters into his own hands. No one is coming to help him, so he must help him self. He takes on a kiss my ass attitude. And he makes it all the way back safely.

I know that's all easy to say. Like...its that easy. Just be awesome and it will all turn out. Seriously I know its a lot more harder than that.

But still, you have to develop some strength. And i think maybe that strength might come from your music. You said you're not a rock. But you have to try to be. Not forever. Just for now until the stupid class is over. And things will get better. Maybe not today. And maybe not tomorrow. But eventually they will.

So who cares if you feel they are looking at you? So what about your scratches. You play the guitar and you write songs. And those songs are like a recording of your life,right? Not just your life but your feelings, too. And every song you write is only going to get better than the last one. Writing songs is something you want to do, and that class? That class is just some stupid thing you do on the side.. It means nothing.

I wish I was there for you and I could encourage you, but I'm not. All I can do is just urge you to keep going until that crap class is over and done with.

That's probably a lot of stupid crap I wrote..but I hope it helps .

If I had you as a friend, I'd be blessed. Thanks bro, you've made me feel so much better about facing that class tomorrow. I'm gonna be brave and put my hand up, add to the conversation, being pretty much the only person in the room with problems of that nature.

[HunterBlue]

Yes!!! Sooooooooooo proud of you!!!! Tell me how it goes!!

[jayyy-lmao]

Yes!!! Sooooooooooo proud of you!!!! Tell me how it goes!!

The class went ok. I contributed, and I think Ms Lenihan, the teacher, knows I've been bullied from the way I spoke about it. I knew too much to not have been bullied. I managed to keep my cool, and I made sure to sit beside my friends just in case. Thanks for the help, buddy, you've got me over this hurdle. :)

[HunterBlue]

Thanks you. And thanks for the update. I was wondering about it all day.

I'm so glad you stood up for yourself. Asserted yourself. It's very inspiring.

[jayyy-lmao]

Thanks you. And thanks for the update. I was wondering about it all day.

I'm so glad you stood up for yourself. Asserted yourself. It's very inspiring.

Inspiring? I'm normally pretty boring and pallid and bland. :/

[HunterBlue]

I think you're missing a lot of things. Maybe you are bland or whatever. And maybe you wash your hair with the cheap brand of shampoo.

But that didn't change the fact that you proved to yourself that when the time came you could step up. Next time your nervous you'll know you have what it takes to do it again.

[jayyy-lmao]

I think you're missing a lot of things. Maybe you are bland or whatever. And maybe you wash your hair with the cheap brand of shampoo.

But that didn't change the fact that you proved to yourself that when the time came you could step up. Next time your nervous you'll know you have what it takes to do it again.

Thanks. You're very good at making people feel good. :)

[Lofiel]

It sounds to me as if you have general anxieties brought on by the fact past incidents have caused you to feel insecure about yourself.

Start to love yourself. Who gives that crap what people might be thinking? If there is any one thing I could change in my life back at your age, it would be to start loving myself.

I missed out on so much. I regret it so much. I will never be a young teen again. Don't do what I did!

[Faolan]

I understand you completely. I came out just before we had our sexuality and depression/self harm units, so it caused me a lot of anxiety and embarrassment. I always felt like people were staring me down, but most people really didn't care. About the scars, try to look on them with pride, if you can, for pulling through and persevering through tough times. You sound like a strong person, just remember that.

[jayyy-lmao]

I understand you completely. I came out just before we had our sexuality and depression/self harm units, so it caused me a lot of anxiety and embarrassment. I always felt like people were staring me down, but most people really didn't care. About the scars, try to look on them with pride, if you can, for pulling through and persevering through tough times. You sound like a strong person, just remember that.

Thanks. But, I'm sure you know, that's just my way of getting people to leave me alone. Act strong.