Fiance's dad tried having sex with me...

[RedwoodCurtain]

I’m in a pretty complicated situation.
My mom(who I barely talk to and don't get along with) moved out of state when I graduated high school. So, I live with my boyfriend of 2.5 years, along with his mom (whom I love) and his dad and younger brother. In October 2012, my boyfriends mom went out for the night, and his dad got drunk, tried convincing me to have sex with him and put his hands on me.
To clarify, we were standing in the kitchen, all three of us (boyfriend, his dad and I). My boyfriend left the kitchen and that's when his dad started his sexual advances. I was trying to leave but he stopped me and grabbed me, grabbed my breasts, squeezed them and tried to kiss me, I had to shove him away and run back into my room and shut the door. My boyfriend was in there, but I just couldn't tell him then. I was terrified. My boyfriend then went into the restroom and his dad came into our room and got in my face and told me id better not tell anyone, I better not ruin his life.
When he was putting his hands on me, his 13 year old son was watching TV in the next room.
The next day, I told my boyfriend what had happened over text. He was upset, but he didn't know what to do. Telling his mom this would ruin their marriage, and I don't want their youngest son to have to go through that. He looks up to his dad. A week goes by and everyday for that week his dad keeps trying to talk to me, keeps throwing his nasty glances at me. I've been avoiding him since then. But this guilt of not telling my future mother in law, and the hatred I have towards her husband is becoming unbearable.
My income and my boyfriends income isn't enough to get us out of their house (we live in CA) housing prices are to expensive for us. We have been together since November, 2010. And I moved in June, 2011.
I have never attempted or thrown any type *of sexual interest towards his dad. Actually, I hate men in general. Obviously that stems from earlier *childhood issues I went through with my moms multiple types of boyfriends...but that's a different story!
Anyway, I know that when his mom finds out, which she will eventually because I will tell her, she will be really heartbroken and mad that I didn't tell her earlier....
But I don't want to ruin their family. I don't know what to do. I wish my boyfriend would confront his dad about it (as of today his dad still thinks no one knows) But my boyfriend isn't the confrontational type and I think he's a little intimidated. I would confront him myself, but every time I get upset like that or mad I start to cry, and that isn't the type of message I want to be sending to his dad.
Who still continues to talk to me or get near me. Which makes no sense!! I just wanted a strangers advice....I don't know if I can handle this much longer....
Please help.
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[APhkinPanda]

I’m in a pretty complicated situation.
My mom(who I barely talk to and don't get along with) moved out of state when I graduated high school. So, I live with my boyfriend of 2.5 years, along with his mom (whom I love) and his dad and younger brother. In October 2012, my boyfriends mom went out for the night, and his dad got drunk, tried convincing me to have sex with him and put his hands on me.
To clarify, we were standing in the kitchen, all three of us (boyfriend, his dad and I). My boyfriend left the kitchen and that's when his dad started his sexual advances. I was trying to leave but he stopped me and grabbed me, grabbed my breasts, squeezed them and tried to kiss me, I had to shove him away and run back into my room and shut the door. My boyfriend was in there, but I just couldn't tell him then. I was terrified. My boyfriend then went into the restroom and his dad came into our room and got in my face and told me id better not tell anyone, I better not ruin his life.
When he was putting his hands on me, his 13 year old son was watching TV in the next room.
The next day, I told my boyfriend what had happened over text. He was upset, but he didn't know what to do. Telling his mom this would ruin their marriage, and I don't want their youngest son to have to go through that. He looks up to his dad. A week goes by and everyday for that week his dad keeps trying to talk to me, keeps throwing his nasty glances at me. I've been avoiding him since then. But this guilt of not telling my future mother in law, and the hatred I have towards her husband is becoming unbearable.
My income and my boyfriends income isn't enough to get us out of their house (we live in CA) housing prices are to expensive for us. We have been together since November, 2010. And I moved in June, 2011.
I have never attempted or thrown any type *of sexual interest towards his dad. Actually, I hate men in general. Obviously that stems from earlier *childhood issues I went through with my moms multiple types of boyfriends...but that's a different story!
Anyway, I know that when his mom finds out, which she will eventually because I will tell her, she will be really heartbroken and mad that I didn't tell her earlier....
But I don't want to ruin their family. I don't know what to do. I wish my boyfriend would confront his dad about it (as of today his dad still thinks no one knows) But my boyfriend isn't the confrontational type and I think he's a little intimidated. I would confront him myself, but every time I get upset like that or mad I start to cry, and that isn't the type of message I want to be sending to his dad.
Who still continues to talk to me or get near me. Which makes no sense!! I just wanted a strangers advice....I don't know if I can handle this much longer....
Please help.
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Well, this is a complicated situation. It was a good move that you told your boyfriend, If he is going to get drunk and possibly do this in the feature. Its best that you stop him in his tracks now than later. It could possibly get out of hand. He obviously has a bit of a problem with drinking. I say tell him with your boyfriend, to go to AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) to clean up. If he doesn't then tell his Fiance/boyfriends mom. He needs to learn his lesson. He needs not to drink to get drunk. Its not healthy to have a man drunk in the family ( in my opinion.) So that's my advice. If you want another point of view or maybe i didn't make it clear enough just keep posting. Or you can PM either way.

[RedwoodCurtain]

Well, this is a complicated situation. It was a good move that you told your boyfriend, If he is going to get drunk and possibly do this in the feature. Its best that you stop him in his tracks now than later. It could possibly get out of hand. He obviously has a bit of a problem with drinking. I say tell him with your boyfriend, to go to AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) to clean up. If he doesn't then tell his Fiance/boyfriends mom. He needs to learn his lesson. He needs not to drink to get drunk. Its not healthy to have a man drunk in the family ( in my opinion.) So that's my advice. If you want another point of view or maybe i didn't make it clear enough just keep posting. Or you can PM either way.



After this happened, he said he would stpp drinking. But his wife bought him a 30 pack of beer, he doesn't drink everyday...and ive only seen him actually drunk like that like 5 times within 2.5 years...
Would this still count as being an alcoholic? It seems like if he really thought that what he did was wrong, he would have stopped. I feel lile if this isnt handled soon I will have to leave my boyfriend...We are supposed to be getting married but the thought of his dad around kills me, especially when we have children. The sad thing is his mom is totally oblivious, and doesn't get why I wont eat at the table with them, or sit even relatively close to him.
Should my fiance want to protect me? Or are his actions(lack there of) called for? He told me last night that he couldn't imagine having his 13 year old brother grow up in split homes...we both feel trapped but its worse for me. And I just get really angry and hateful whenever his dad talks to my fiance and he just goes along with the conversation like theyre best buds...
Should I leave or try and work things out? I can't forgive what he did to me. The way he talked to me, i could have forgiven that. But he put his hands on me forcefully. I want him to suffer some consequences...

[RedwoodCurtain]

Oh for clarifcation- We don't have any kids right now, it was a future reference.

[BrandonA]

you should tellher than to keep this secret. if the son knew i bet he wouldnt want any part of him anyway

[APhkinPanda]

Well, he seems to like where his life has turned out for him. Also he was drunk when he did all of this. Usually a guy who is in a relationship wouldn't try something like that, sober. If he was sober, I would of just called the cops. There's not much you can do, with the thought of you possibly ruining their family. I would say keep an eye on him. Definitely keep your distance. If he was an alcoholic, like I said in my last post. Tell him to go to AA to clean up. So that you know this will never happen again.

[HunterBlue]

I don't know that I would say anything, but I would stay waaaaaaay away from him. And even though you won't say a thing, the mom will pick up on it..trust me...she's gonna know.

I think it's important you stay away and make clear lines. If it goes bad and you have to move out than so be it..otherwise this could be a form of control over you. He'll try to control you and force you into things in the future.

[Horatio Nelson]

I'm not sure why your fiance hasn't done anything. I would be beyond outraged if this happened to my girlfriend. (Although my Father is a pastor and doesn't drink so I doubt I'll ever have to go through this. Anyway!) I think you should say something. Ask your father in-law-to-be why he did that and if he has any remorse. Make sure your boyfriend is there as a witness too.

[HunterBlue]

I agree with the guy above. Since you did tell him, I know if it was me it would be go time. I don't see how I couldn't blow up at home over this.

But that's me. He shoots you dirty looks? Do not let him push you around or you're gonna see him seeing this as just the beginning if him trying to intimidate you.

[RedwoodCurtain]

The only thing that's stopping me from exploding is the 13 year old son.
Not only does he shoot my dirty looks, he has gotten in my face and cussed at me over nothing.
So yeah, i guess i do let him intimidate me...because im terrified of him. And im beyond hurt that my future husband is allowing it. Thats why im wondering if I should stay in the relationship or not?

[giofighter]

Difficult situation.At least you told it to your boyfriend,but i don't think that's enough.You should definetely talk about this with your mother in law.Maybe,it's gonna get more and more worse.You must go and talk with your boyfriend's mother.Do NOT wait any longer!!!

[APhkinPanda]

If you feel, like your Boyfriend is not defending you. Maybe its time for a break.

[Maverick]

I find that in difficult situations... honesty is always the best policy. She will understand for not telling sooner because its a very tough thing to talk about. I know you're stuck between a rock and a hard place but you can't continue to live in fear especially since he goes out of his way to make you feel uncomfortable. It may not seem like the best decision to tell but in time when you look back you'll know it was the right decision. Whatever happen will happen but no matter what you will be OK.

[tundravortex]

I’m in a pretty complicated situation.
My mom(who I barely talk to and don't get along with) moved out of state when I graduated high school. So, I live with my boyfriend of 2.5 years, along with his mom (whom I love) and his dad and younger brother. In October 2012, my boyfriends mom went out for the night, and his dad got drunk, tried convincing me to have sex with him and put his hands on me.
To clarify, we were standing in the kitchen, all three of us (boyfriend, his dad and I). My boyfriend left the kitchen and that's when his dad started his sexual advances. I was trying to leave but he stopped me and grabbed me, grabbed my breasts, squeezed them and tried to kiss me, I had to shove him away and run back into my room and shut the door. My boyfriend was in there, but I just couldn't tell him then. I was terrified. My boyfriend then went into the restroom and his dad came into our room and got in my face and told me id better not tell anyone, I better not ruin his life.
When he was putting his hands on me, his 13 year old son was watching TV in the next room.
The next day, I told my boyfriend what had happened over text. He was upset, but he didn't know what to do. Telling his mom this would ruin their marriage, and I don't want their youngest son to have to go through that. He looks up to his dad. A week goes by and everyday for that week his dad keeps trying to talk to me, keeps throwing his nasty glances at me. I've been avoiding him since then. But this guilt of not telling my future mother in law, and the hatred I have towards her husband is becoming unbearable.
My income and my boyfriends income isn't enough to get us out of their house (we live in CA) housing prices are to expensive for us. We have been together since November, 2010. And I moved in June, 2011.
I have never attempted or thrown any type *of sexual interest towards his dad. Actually, I hate men in general. Obviously that stems from earlier *childhood issues I went through with my moms multiple types of boyfriends...but that's a different story!
Anyway, I know that when his mom finds out, which she will eventually because I will tell her, she will be really heartbroken and mad that I didn't tell her earlier....
But I don't want to ruin their family. I don't know what to do. I wish my boyfriend would confront his dad about it (as of today his dad still thinks no one knows) But my boyfriend isn't the confrontational type and I think he's a little intimidated. I would confront him myself, but every time I get upset like that or mad I start to cry, and that isn't the type of message I want to be sending to his dad.
Who still continues to talk to me or get near me. Which makes no sense!! I just wanted a strangers advice....I don't know if I can handle this much longer....
Please help.
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ok now i may not have the best edvice but I say"confront the motherfucker in front of everyone,don't let him put his hands on you besides no matter what you do for the good of the relationship one side is always gonna have a downfall no matter how you do it,it will happen sooner or later"

[RedwoodCurtain]

ok now i may not have the best edvice but I say"confront the motherfucker in front of everyone,don't let him put his hands on you besides no matter what you do for the good of the relationship one side is always gonna have a downfall no matter how you do it,it will happen sooner or later"

I was thinking the same thing....
I'm just a big chicken.

[RedwoodCurtain]

Thank you guys so much for all your input by the way.

[HunterBlue]

I have issues with your boyfriend not standing up for you. It's a horrible place you've been out in and he should be giving you the support you need right now.

It looks like the dad has also started to ruin your relationship and marriage.

[RedwoodCurtain]

I have issues with your boyfriend not standing up for you. It's a horrible place you've been out in and he should be giving you the support you need right now.

It looks like the dad has also started to ruin your relationship and marriage.

Yeah, that's a big issue for me too.
I would feel much better if he would just confront his dad. Put him in his place. But he said he isn't brave enough. I offered that we speak to him together, but he said that I would be the one freaking out and he would end up just standing there.

[HunterBlue]

I'm not going to say anything bad about your bf. But being brave his his job, not yours. Looking out for you is job #1. That's what husband means. Maybe you should start looking for an exit plan. I'd hate for you to Marry him because you have to.

[RedwoodCurtain]

I'm not going to say anything bad about your bf. But being brave his his job, not yours. Looking out for you is job #1. That's what husband means. Maybe you should start looking for an exit plan. I'd hate for you to Marry him because you have to.

I think protecting your future wife is job #1 too.
This is the only problem we have ever had...we have never fought over anything but this in the 2.5 year we have been together. It just breaks my heart thinking I might have to let this go because of his dad.
And my boyfriend, he has defended me from other people, Ex's and other guys. At this point though, I think marriage is off the table. And hopefully, i'll be able to move out soon. But even if I do, I will still have to think about his dad being a part of my life forever if we do marry. Ugh :/
It's a big deal...a big problem. It's so sad to think I will have wasted my teenage years just to have it all ended because his dad did this...and because my boyfriend wont be the man he needs to be. That I need him to be...

[HunterBlue]

No. You got it backwards. You don't worry for the rest of your life about the dad.

HE worries for the rest of HIS life about you. Because you know what? F*ck him, man. He can go to Hell. You have nothing to worry about and you can feel good knowing you have done all the right things.

And your boyfriend better start worrying. Because it looks to me like if he's not careful the girl he wants to marry is going to slip away.

In the old days women were like the prize. Men had to fight with swords. Go on quests. Fight dragons. Prove they were men. I still believe in that and it looks to me like he's doing nothing to win you. Instead, he's giving you reasons to lose him. So dont feel bad one bit.

But maybe one day he can prove himself again...but until then I think you might want to re access the situation and do what's right for you.

I'm rambling now......

[RedwoodCurtain]

No. You got it backwards. You don't worry for the rest of your life about the dad.

HE worries for the rest of HIS life about you. Because you know what? F*ck him, man. He can go to Hell. You have nothing to worry about and you can feel good knowing you have done all the right things.

And your boyfriend better start worrying. Because it looks to me like if he's not careful the girl he wants to marry is going to slip away.

In the old days women were like the prize. Men had to fight with swords. Go on quests. Fight dragons. Prove they were men. I still believe in that and it looks to me like he's doing nothing to win you. Instead, he's giving you reasons to lose him. So dont feel bad one bit.

But maybe one day he can prove himself again...but until then I think you might want to re access the situation and do what's right for you.

I'm rambling now......

Sometimes it seems like he would rather me walk away then do something. Like he doesn't feel good enough or something. He has always been down on himself like that, no matter how much I try to convince him otherwise.....
On another note though, I can't believe that I wasted 45 minutes posting a bunch of BS trying to get to 100 posts just to have this thread closed, my posts deleted and my count returned to 10. Talk about frustrating.

[HunterBlue]

Yeah, that does bite. That confuses me because many people openly say they got to 100 posts in two days so I'm confused about the rules.

Anyway, you'll get there eventually. You can still public message me for now.

[RedwoodCurtain]

Yeah, super annoying.

[Lofiel]

The real question... do you want to marry a man who is not willing to over come his fears, protect you, or worry over your well being and safety?

He does not care enough to stop some one from trying to have sexual contact with his fiance. He is not a man, nor is he mature enough to be in this relationship.

What if this happened in public? Would you be happy as your husband runs away as some mugger walks up to you on a dark night?

[RedwoodCurtain]

The real question... do you want to marry a man who is not willing to over come his fears, protect you, or worry over your well being and safety?

He does not care enough to stop some one from trying to have sexual contact with his fiance. He is not a man, nor is he mature enough to be in this relationship.

What if this happened in public? Would you be happy as your husband runs away as some mugger walks up to you on a dark night?

No, I don't. And I told him that. I said I will not marry you until something is done about this.
He's worried about his mom, he said he couldn't care less about what happens with his dad, but it's his mom he is trying to protect :/
I guess going back to my original post, I just wanted to know if telling her is the right thing to do, or just confronting his dad privately is the way to go...
My friend offered some good advice and that was to see a therapist and bring his mom there and tell her.
But is telling her the right thing to do, because it will mean immediate divorce, and they have a 13 year old...