afraid of a relationship

[mynameisjane]

we were friends for a while, we hated eachother for a while, and now its obvous that we're very attracted to eachother. we've gotten really close and i think we might already be dating, but its not really official. its been really good, but tonight he called to ask me to go out, and i told him i had homework. it wasnt a lie, i do have homework, but i couldve gotten it done earlier. and i probably sounded uninterested in going out on the phone. i was afraid that if i go out we'd probably kiss tonight and it would make it official. i've never kissed anyone before and i might be a bad kisser. i've never really had a boyfriend either. but i've always really wanted one. i'm excited and terrified. my heart is telling me i want to be with him but my head is telling me it won't work out, if we break up i'd lose him as a friend and the rest of the group, i dont even think he's physically attractive, we're not right for eachother, a lot of stuff. i dont want to hurt him, but i wish we could just go back to before things were complicated.

actually, i've pretty much always been this way. the first time someone told me they had a crush on me was in the 6th grade. he was my best friend since the 4th grade. i literally ran away from him and didnt want to talk to him anymore. i felt guilty, and i looked him up 5 years later on myspace, and he was hitting on me, so i blocked him. so i dont know what my problem is.

[4IrishJustice]

well, what are you afraid of? Intamacy? Being vulnerable? Sex?

[mynameisjane]

i'm afraid that i dont really like him. maybe i'm just lonely and he's the closest guy. physically, i think he's really ugly. and he's annoying sometimes. i dont know why i'm so attracted to him. but i know i've never loved anyone's smile as much as i love his. and i know that just the feeling of his fingers caressing my arm while i'm laying in his arms makes me very horny. im afraid i'm just going to snap out of this one day and have to break up with him. it would hurt him and he'll think i'm crazy and we wont be friends anymore, and i'd lose all my other friends because we're from the same group. we have plans to all move in together next year. i dont want to kill that.

i'm also afraid of sex because he said plain and clear that he's shallow. and he has naked girls all over his walls, and compared to them, i look horrible naked. what if he looks horrible naked?

and intimacy too i guess. i havent really thought of it until you said it. it would be wierd to start acting all lovey dovey to eachother because i've never been that way to anyone, and i'm used to us acting like buddies, and i'm used to hiding my feelings. kinda like how he was acting disappointed on the phone when i told him i couldnt go out tonight, and i didnt know how to act, so i just acted friendly and indifferent.

[Learn2Bsmart]

This is what I feel as well. All these questions running through your head, it only hinders you from actually going out and taking the risk. You may say hes not physically attractive, but if you love him mentally and emotionally and feel as if you could be no closer with anyone else then him, then I say go out and take that risk with him. In the long run, looks wont matter. If you keep asking yourself those questions and evade him, then some months or years from now you might feel even more bad because he actually turned out to be the best you would ever had. You may be afraid, but sometimes the best way to face that fear is to risk it.

[4IrishJustice]

From what you've said Jane, it just sounds like you're a horny girl who has low selfesteem and wants validation. What i recomend is taking a chill pill because you seem stressed and frustrated, and then maybe do some soul searching. Maybe check out the four noble truths of buddhism. Basicallly you need to get a hold of your emotions and be able to control them instead of them controling you.

[mynameisjane]

actually, we talked it out monday night. i didnt want to talk about it, i told him it wouldnt work out, but he kept arguing and now we're going out. i'm not sure about how i feel about it though. half the time i'm thinking "he really likes me. i dont want to hurt his feelings. he's a great guy. i like being with him. maybe i'm starting to like him more." but the other half i'm thinking "this isnt right. i cant even look at him. its going to be harder breaking up later and we might not be friends. i'm not comfortable with the thought of doing more than holding hands. my family wont like him."
but i'll try to make a decision by next monday.

[Titlacauan]

Wait, so u said that it wouldnt work out and he insisted so u caved? WTF? well anyway, u can probably keep your friendship if u develop an annoying little habit that drives him crazy enough to break up with u, nobody is hurt.

[mynameisjane]

yeah, i caved. but see, i want to go out with him too, and i told everyone that, and they told him, so he just explained to me he just wants to be someone who's there for me and he'll never hurt me and he doesnt see how either of us could hurt eachother. so its not like he was bugging me, it shows that he likes me so much he really thinks it will work out that he wasnt willing to give up.
i'm actually happy to be with him. my problem is not that i dont want to be with him, but i'm afraid of commitment. i really like him, but it scares me a little when we seem to be becoming closer in our relationship.