Away, gone; no, wait, I'm here.

[Alexithymia]

I hate posting. I really do. I've been gone for months and months and months. But, a mental crisis is a mental crisis, and I suppose this is the best place to get help for it. I want to help others, I really do, and the rational part of my mind tells me to get myself okay first, but... What about all the others who aren't helped?

I don't even know what this post is for. I suppose I should delve into my 'issues', eh?

Suicidal thoughts are lingering on my mind. Not in the way where I have a plan, have a way, but where I no longer care. Where the thought brings a smile on my face, and where I can just imagine the peace... the entirety of it. Gone. Forever. Peaceful, simple, quiet.

I don't know what I'm asking for. I have a psych tomorrow. Can't do it. Meds can't be stronger, I hate them as is. That said, I take them, if only 'cause they stop me from eating. Still, I can't be put on Abilify. Can't, can't, can't, can't, can't. I hate Prozac, and Remeron made me feel like a douche. I can't stay on Effexor though. Too strong of withdrawals. Dependent. Entirely.

I don't want to go to the hospital. I just want to die. I just want a reason to stay... Anything. A shred of a hope. You can't give that to me, no, no, I see that. I really do. You're here to help me in the right direction, not hold my hand.

Still... If you have anything to say, mind saying it? Even just a few words. I just want to hear someone. Talk to someone. Not be so alone.

[Houtarou]

I am here, though unable to send PMs; I would strongly recommend that you stay. I'm un-skilled at properly expressing emotion, but here's an attempt.

Though it may seem pointless, the monotony and pain,
Though it may seem easier just to end this tortured game,
Though all that our lives have offered may seem to be bad,
In this life, have we really had all that's to be had?
Could a better future for us be not far away?
Could it simply be that it is dark before the day?
Perhaps we should wait and see; bear with the suspense.
I believe that we should live our lives with confidence.

The above has been my re-entry into the world of poetry. I only wish that I could write something to help, but this is all of which I have possessed. I apologize.

[Disasterology]

Maybe try listening to this http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=dEaLFQGEqvU

I know I have those same thoughts, the thoughts of just wanting to disappear from this world, but somehow I find the way to keep on going.