sudmais
April 21st, 2013, 10:05 PM
Hear me out please. Read all of it. I need to get this out of me, all of it, because I see potentials in myself, lots of potentials. Some good, some bad. And I feel like if I choose the good, my problems won't go away and if I choose the harmful potential, I might not pull out in time. It would force me to tell someone, but by then I would already be so sick...
Let me start at the beginning. It’s really long, but I don't know how else to make any sense of my thoughts and feelings’ apologize now for a long boring story.
For as long as I can remember, weight has been an obsession of mine. I know for a fact that I used to stuff m nightgown for the 'big belly' effect before I even knew what I was doing. When I was six, my mother joined weight watchers. I know all the numbers. ... that's when I first became aware of the fact that being overweight was bad. I may be quoted at a young age saying "Hitler, bad man," but from that point in my mind I think "fat, bad" was ingrained.
I was a chubby child. A product of sugary cereals, picky eating, hot dogs and ketchup for dinner, ice cream socials, etc. typical kid with a major sweet tooth.
I remember in fifth grade, reading a fictional diary of a Japanese princess and in the back of the book, it mentioned sumo wrestling, a fat sport. So I looked it up. Then I googled sumo wrestler diet. Somehow this led me to a site with a list of things sumo wrestlers did to gain weight, mainly sleeping for four hours after eating. It was all to show what NOT to do. In the comments though, were people who WANTED to get fat. I was intrigued, fascinated, awed.
Then I found the stories. Weight gain stories that I now know is porn.
All throughout middle school I struggled with this. Do I want to be fat? But fat is bad. My parents would disapprove. I knew it was wrong to want to be fat, but I also knew that it turned me on. This has been the biggest question thus far in my short life. I knew that I would feel better not overweight. Meanwhile over the years, I slimmed up naturally a bit. My parents made me go on hikes and after a couple of years, I started to like it. I was also forced to run on a treadmill which I did not like. Even when the physical act wasn’t as bad, I still hated that I had no choice in the matter but I digress. I don’t think I ran as much during eighth grade. Eventually I was no longer forced to do it because I was so difficult.
In ninth grade, I was 14. I decided I didn’t want to be fat. That new year, I made a resolution to get my five a day. 3 vegetables, 2 fruit. I was mildly successful. Over the summer, I had P.E. and Health so open up my high school schedule so I could take more important fun classes (mainly outdoor education. I had other things on my mind growing up like nature and biology and science. However this confession is purely about my food/weight issues). Those 18 days changed my life. Was had to record our BMI for records purposes. I started the first week at 5’6 and 137 pounds. Not overweight, not skinny either. This was something I had come to be used to. I was fairly good about loving my body, though not consciously. At least I didn’t consciously hate it. I was still trying to get more vegetables so I wasn’t eating too badly it thoughts. I knew I didn’t exercise enough but I could hike.
I learned so much. Because of treadmill, I had a not god awful mile run of 11:33. I learned about non processed food and how much fun the people in Jaime Oliver’s food revolution had cooking. I learned what actually happens in a weight room and about body composition and dynamic, not static warm-ups that actually prevent pain during exercise. I learned to count calories. Something I had never been taught before. I ended the fourth week weighing 129 pounds and I ran a mile in 10:11. The teacher wanted to make sure I was eating. I was, I had had pizza the night before. However, when I had to count calories for the health class, I was eating around 1700 calories. I now know for a fact that I was probably not eating enough considering what we did in P.E. and that I would go outside in 80 degrees in jeans and play in my backyard. No wonder I lost eight pounds in a month. I never did that again purely because I have never had to exercise like that since. I got my A. but it also sparked in me.
I tried to eat healthier the next school year using what I had learned. I later downloaded myfitnesspal, a calorie counter app on my phone. I found myself obsessively reading health sites like webmd, kids health, etc. all the while, still using the porn site when no one was watching and feeling guilty, though not as often. Then I got a bad idea. Look up ana blogs to try to undo the damage in my head caused by reading the non dirty weight gain stories. I never liked the ones with a lot of sex in them. I preferred to read the ones that focused on eating and rising numbers.
I discovered tumblr. All the fitblr and fitspo and health blogs. I started reading the stories less. Still counting calories. I never got upset too much if I went over, but I got really happy when I was under. From tumblr and greatest.com and similar, I learned to eat oatmeal, to eat less sugar and more vegetables
But I’m scaring myself. I’m now 5’7” and roughly 130 pounds. I have a BMI of 20.4 ( yes I know bmi is bull crap but it’s a number that doesn’t hurt) I can now count calories in my head within 200 calories. I stopped counting when my health crashed over the past holidays but eighteen months of logging calories and looking at labels have made it so I can do it all I my head without the day to day comparison. and i don't drink soda or any calories really. i always feel like i have eaten too much, even when the number in my head is below 2000, even when it's like only 1100 and i just ate lunch. i feel hungry and bloated and guilty at the same time. i think about food a lot. I've considered purging a lot. i have even done some self harm in the last few months. just bruising myself when i can cope.
why does weight gain turn me on while i enjoy feeling healthy and light, and i feel bad when i eat when i'm hungry but i know i could push through it. yesterday morning i woke up and was hungry and i felt GUILTY. i know i need at least 1400 calories a day as my bmr. why do i feel hungry and bloated and guilty all at the same time. why do i enjoy how flat my stomach is in the morning and wish i didn't half to eat and ruin it.
Let me start at the beginning. It’s really long, but I don't know how else to make any sense of my thoughts and feelings’ apologize now for a long boring story.
For as long as I can remember, weight has been an obsession of mine. I know for a fact that I used to stuff m nightgown for the 'big belly' effect before I even knew what I was doing. When I was six, my mother joined weight watchers. I know all the numbers. ... that's when I first became aware of the fact that being overweight was bad. I may be quoted at a young age saying "Hitler, bad man," but from that point in my mind I think "fat, bad" was ingrained.
I was a chubby child. A product of sugary cereals, picky eating, hot dogs and ketchup for dinner, ice cream socials, etc. typical kid with a major sweet tooth.
I remember in fifth grade, reading a fictional diary of a Japanese princess and in the back of the book, it mentioned sumo wrestling, a fat sport. So I looked it up. Then I googled sumo wrestler diet. Somehow this led me to a site with a list of things sumo wrestlers did to gain weight, mainly sleeping for four hours after eating. It was all to show what NOT to do. In the comments though, were people who WANTED to get fat. I was intrigued, fascinated, awed.
Then I found the stories. Weight gain stories that I now know is porn.
All throughout middle school I struggled with this. Do I want to be fat? But fat is bad. My parents would disapprove. I knew it was wrong to want to be fat, but I also knew that it turned me on. This has been the biggest question thus far in my short life. I knew that I would feel better not overweight. Meanwhile over the years, I slimmed up naturally a bit. My parents made me go on hikes and after a couple of years, I started to like it. I was also forced to run on a treadmill which I did not like. Even when the physical act wasn’t as bad, I still hated that I had no choice in the matter but I digress. I don’t think I ran as much during eighth grade. Eventually I was no longer forced to do it because I was so difficult.
In ninth grade, I was 14. I decided I didn’t want to be fat. That new year, I made a resolution to get my five a day. 3 vegetables, 2 fruit. I was mildly successful. Over the summer, I had P.E. and Health so open up my high school schedule so I could take more important fun classes (mainly outdoor education. I had other things on my mind growing up like nature and biology and science. However this confession is purely about my food/weight issues). Those 18 days changed my life. Was had to record our BMI for records purposes. I started the first week at 5’6 and 137 pounds. Not overweight, not skinny either. This was something I had come to be used to. I was fairly good about loving my body, though not consciously. At least I didn’t consciously hate it. I was still trying to get more vegetables so I wasn’t eating too badly it thoughts. I knew I didn’t exercise enough but I could hike.
I learned so much. Because of treadmill, I had a not god awful mile run of 11:33. I learned about non processed food and how much fun the people in Jaime Oliver’s food revolution had cooking. I learned what actually happens in a weight room and about body composition and dynamic, not static warm-ups that actually prevent pain during exercise. I learned to count calories. Something I had never been taught before. I ended the fourth week weighing 129 pounds and I ran a mile in 10:11. The teacher wanted to make sure I was eating. I was, I had had pizza the night before. However, when I had to count calories for the health class, I was eating around 1700 calories. I now know for a fact that I was probably not eating enough considering what we did in P.E. and that I would go outside in 80 degrees in jeans and play in my backyard. No wonder I lost eight pounds in a month. I never did that again purely because I have never had to exercise like that since. I got my A. but it also sparked in me.
I tried to eat healthier the next school year using what I had learned. I later downloaded myfitnesspal, a calorie counter app on my phone. I found myself obsessively reading health sites like webmd, kids health, etc. all the while, still using the porn site when no one was watching and feeling guilty, though not as often. Then I got a bad idea. Look up ana blogs to try to undo the damage in my head caused by reading the non dirty weight gain stories. I never liked the ones with a lot of sex in them. I preferred to read the ones that focused on eating and rising numbers.
I discovered tumblr. All the fitblr and fitspo and health blogs. I started reading the stories less. Still counting calories. I never got upset too much if I went over, but I got really happy when I was under. From tumblr and greatest.com and similar, I learned to eat oatmeal, to eat less sugar and more vegetables
But I’m scaring myself. I’m now 5’7” and roughly 130 pounds. I have a BMI of 20.4 ( yes I know bmi is bull crap but it’s a number that doesn’t hurt) I can now count calories in my head within 200 calories. I stopped counting when my health crashed over the past holidays but eighteen months of logging calories and looking at labels have made it so I can do it all I my head without the day to day comparison. and i don't drink soda or any calories really. i always feel like i have eaten too much, even when the number in my head is below 2000, even when it's like only 1100 and i just ate lunch. i feel hungry and bloated and guilty at the same time. i think about food a lot. I've considered purging a lot. i have even done some self harm in the last few months. just bruising myself when i can cope.
why does weight gain turn me on while i enjoy feeling healthy and light, and i feel bad when i eat when i'm hungry but i know i could push through it. yesterday morning i woke up and was hungry and i felt GUILTY. i know i need at least 1400 calories a day as my bmr. why do i feel hungry and bloated and guilty all at the same time. why do i enjoy how flat my stomach is in the morning and wish i didn't half to eat and ruin it.