jazzzy
April 19th, 2013, 06:33 PM
A little while ago I was having some problems with thoughts of suicide and ended up talking to a school counselor (long story) who then got me with the emergency services. The guy that came asked me a ton of questions and we figured out why I had been feeling that way. It was because I have a problem with lying. I always have. My mom said when I was only 4 I used to look her right in the eyes and lie with a straight face. She couldn't even tell. All my life I've remained this way. I recently got caught on a fairly small, but apparently hurtful lie I'd been telling my mother and long story short, I'd been confused with myself. I never feel guilty after lying, and don't see anything wrong with it while I'm doing it. The only thing that triggers emotions for me that's connected with lying is the person I've been lying to's reaction. That makes me mad at myself in a way. Kind of like "What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I doing this? I'm such a bad person" and tried to kill myself (I did also end up cutting, which has been getting worse the past month or so). I think the constant lying is why I have trust issues with others. Because I have so much experience as the lie-er per say. I don't even try to lie. It seems like it just happens. It just falls out and I go with it. Because 99% of the time I get away with it. I've always had a problem figuring out when I should be feeling certain things. One of the lines I use most often is "Tell me what I should feel right now" or "How should I feel right now?" I don't seem to register stress all that much (even though I've taken many stress tests that all assure I need to have a therapist to help me deal with the overload of "stress" i'm under), and generally don't cry or get upset or "sad" situations. I do however tend to cry when certain people yell at me. Only certain people. I don't recall ever feeling empathetic, though I tend to be fairly sympathetic. Things that make other people sad tend to make me happy such as being completely alone for hours (or days if I had the option), dark mysterious or scary things, rainy or gloomy days and things such as that. I don't want to say I don't care about people. Makes me sound like I don't have a soul. But for example if my mother died. I would be sad sure. I mean it's my mom. But I wouldn't really fret over it. Thinking about it doesn't make me scared or upset. I would probably get over it fairly quickly. One of my friends committed suicide once and sure I was very upset. But as one of my friends said I have an "Unnerving way of moving on without the baggage". I have ADHD and was recently checked for bipolar (which never went further after the mood chart so I assume I don't have it). My mom said she has recognized some form of anxiety in me that I feel can sometimes work its way up to mild paranoia. The man that talked to me from the emergency services says it sounds like I have some kind of "disconnect" but I'm not sure what it means. I was really hoping somebody here had some insight? (btw sorry for that obnoxiously long word barf XD)