Smeagol
April 14th, 2013, 10:07 AM
Seriously, anything can make me cry hysterically or laugh hysterically or both. I don't know how on earth I am supposed to just behave normally, but I do, every day. I sit in class, I hang out with people who say they are my friends, I eat and sleep. I just can't do anything at all. Anything... Anything real or fun or... I had fun last night, and then I had a horrible night at the same time. It was meant to be fun. It was meant to be so much fun. But the problem is that I don't like all these fake interactions with people. Nobody knows about the cuts all over my hips. Nobody knows about the flashbacks that root me to the spot and consume me in terror. Nobody knows how easy it is to make me cry. Nobody knows I feel like dirt. If I say "mmmmmmbby I'm feeling sexy today" I mean I feel like a little speck of carbon and I'm lying to the word. Almost nobody knows about the fact I am gay! Nobody knows how low my self esteem is, or how hard I try. Nobody knows that I am a super devoted person, and if somebody says "we aren't friends anymore" as a joke, I feel a lot of anguish, how is that funny? I don't want to die, I just want to live out of the shadows. I want to live and love and be a normal person. But I don't think that I would even have fake friends anymore if I let go of the facade and let people know what I actually am. They would all turn against me. I don't know what the point of this is, because its just a rant...but if you read this...thanks.