It's been awhile.

[xarvon1412]

So, as stated in title, it's been awhile since I've posted, it's been a long time since I've been here on this website in general. So umm, for anybody that's just barely coming into my story, as I'm sure many of you are. I'm fucked up. Period. In the span of about a year and a half, I've managed to get the girl of my dreams, lose her, try to kill myself twice, get a psychiatrist, cut up my whole left arm, get a new girlfriend, let myself not eat for days, threw up what food I did eat, and now I'm verging on a third suicide attempt. So umm yeah. Basically, I was suicidal before I started dating the girl of my dreams (we'll call her Sarah) and then when I was dating her I stopped being suicidal, but I still cut. I've been trying to date this girl since fourth grade, and now I'm in tenth. We started dating last year in ninth grade, and I thought everything was going well, that we were both happy, and that we loved each other. I know that I loved her...and she told me that she loved me, I was a fucking idiot to believe her. She told me many things, some of them lies, some of them not. She told me that she loved me (lie), that she didn't want to be in a relationship (truth), that she was still dating me because she loved me (lie), that she was trying not to break up with me (truth), that she would do anything for me (lie), that she hated her old boyfriend (truth), that she wants me to be happy (lie). I thought that all of these were truth, but they weren't. After breaking off our nine month relationship that had meant everything to me with a note that said "I don't want to date in high school, and I won't be dating for a while after that :P" among other things, I find out she lied to me about that too. She actually tried to ask someone out about a week after we broke up. So umm yeah, she fucked me over again. Then after all of that, I try to kill myself twice, ending up in a psychiatric unit in a straight-jacket the second time. After those...predicaments. I've been cutting non-stop. I just fucking want my heart to stop beating already...but it's persistent as hell. Anyway, I have a millions cuts on my hips. I've stopped cutting my arms because now they check for them there. I have the word "EMO" scarred on my left hip in very deep scars, and now I'm running out of space. I can't fucking take this anymore...I'm with this new girl, her name is...Pauline, sure. She makes me forget that I'm sad, but she doesn't stop me from being sad. Sarah will never leave my mind, I'm still in love with her. I don't even smile half the time anymore because it's too fucking hard. I sit there with my music blasting in my ears trying to drown out just about everyone. I don't even do anything anymore, don't talk, don't listen except to my music, don't learn, don't study, don't give a fuck. Why? I'm sure I'm going to die before I reach the age of twenty-five. I'm fifteen now, turning sixteen in about two weeks. So I have a max of nine years to live more through more hell. Well, I think my time's up. I think I'm doing it finally. I don't see how there's any way I could fail this time. I've got bleach, pills, and some other things to digest, maybe they'll finally fucking kill me. I know that probably none of you are going to comment on this, it being long and you not wanting to read it. You know, I used to have a goal, to comment on every single post so that no one would be left without a helper. However, I stopped, because like I said, I don't give a fuck anymore. So here I am, begging for help when I don't even give any in return. So don't comment, don't help, I'm not worth the time anyway. If you don't, I won't take it personally. So bye.

[XxfakexX]

I didn't want to do this publicly because it seemed to personal, but i can't message yet.

Well, firstly, try to stay away from the bleach and pills (they hurt so much when you wake up) and it's not worth it in the end. I don't know how much of this you want to listen to, but i'l try anyway, because if it was me i'd want the same. 'Sarah' seems to be the main problem here and i'm sorry because you still love her. She sounds like a horrible person and, i know she's hurt you a lot, you're better off without her. Hopefully 'Pauline' will help you get over her.
I'd be a hypocrite to tell you to stop cutting, but maybe try to lighten them up so they don't scar as badly? I don't know, it's addictive. I don't know how things work where you are, but being suicidal is shit. I got off with a few weeks of counselling when i got sent to hospital because i lied, but it made me clear my head a little. Now when i'm really bad i phone someone. You don't have to tell them anything's wrong, just talk like everything's normal, but it get's you to focus on something else. Obviously telling someone would be better but it doesn't always work that way, and it doesn't seem you want anyone at home to know. Try to remain positive because people care, even if you think they don't.

Just to clarify you don't have to give advise to get have it returned. It's offered because you need it. So i'm always here to help if you need me. Hope this helped and you're okay soon and please don't kill yourself, it may not seem it but it gets better.
(by the way, it took me over an hour to have the guts to post this , so i REALY hope it helps)

[xarvon1412]

It did help, granted not much, but don't offense to that, nothing's really helping me anymore. I'd like to first thank you for helping, it does mean something that you took the time to read my post, and I thank you for that. On to the topic, Sarah has hurt me, a lot. Yet I'm still in love with her. I still want her to be happy more than anything in this world. I want to be allowed to love her, and for her to love me back. I can't even talk to anything, my mind easily multitasks and I can think about more than one thing at once so it's rather easy for my mind to completely ignore the distraction while still doing it, but thinking about Sarah. I once beat a whole video game while thinking of nothing but Sarah. I can't talk on the phone with people, I don't do phone well... I try texting, but I find that it's just as easy to ignore as every other distraction. I know people care, it's just not the right people...