spl23456
April 8th, 2013, 04:52 PM
If I can only feel worth anything based on other people's opinions of me, then how can I get anywhere on my own. I am seeing now that this has contributed to the stagnation in progress i have reached. I am so scared if I actually let myself be happy and fulfilled in my own accomplishments and reach my own dreams, something bad will happen. Every time I step out and actually feel like myself, like I can start to lead my own life again, I get so happy yet so scared at the same time.
The main issue right now, is that it has officially been a year since I had a breakdown and left school. And though I feel I have made progress in my mind, I have reached a low point of visible progress. There is going to be a program starting where I can take some art classes in a public setting. I feel like it will be a great segue to actually going back to school in the future. But I am worried that if I actually get excited to do this, and put meaning into it, I am going to be let down again. I am terrified that I will wind up in the same stressful situation as last time, and lose all the support I have been working so hard on building.
I am worried that all the things that I have learned through therapy won't count in the real world. That if I think I can go on with my life, and still have a future and reach goals. or even just continue in a new school without going back to the one I quit, that I would somehow be cheating. That if I actually believe that life can go on even if it wasn't how I expected it before, that I can still be a "good person", is actually a lie. I am worried that no matter how much I try to convince myself to believe the messages I have been taught, I will always know that I am living a lie, that I am a failure and always will be.
I also feel like I am being disingenuous. If I forget my past, and move forward and go out and make new friends and all that, that I would actually just be avoiding the problem again. Or that I haven't earned the right to make new friends. Or that if they knew everything that happened to me, that they would never want to be my friends. But I am even more terrified of re-approaching the friends I used to have.
What do you guys think?
The main issue right now, is that it has officially been a year since I had a breakdown and left school. And though I feel I have made progress in my mind, I have reached a low point of visible progress. There is going to be a program starting where I can take some art classes in a public setting. I feel like it will be a great segue to actually going back to school in the future. But I am worried that if I actually get excited to do this, and put meaning into it, I am going to be let down again. I am terrified that I will wind up in the same stressful situation as last time, and lose all the support I have been working so hard on building.
I am worried that all the things that I have learned through therapy won't count in the real world. That if I think I can go on with my life, and still have a future and reach goals. or even just continue in a new school without going back to the one I quit, that I would somehow be cheating. That if I actually believe that life can go on even if it wasn't how I expected it before, that I can still be a "good person", is actually a lie. I am worried that no matter how much I try to convince myself to believe the messages I have been taught, I will always know that I am living a lie, that I am a failure and always will be.
I also feel like I am being disingenuous. If I forget my past, and move forward and go out and make new friends and all that, that I would actually just be avoiding the problem again. Or that I haven't earned the right to make new friends. Or that if they knew everything that happened to me, that they would never want to be my friends. But I am even more terrified of re-approaching the friends I used to have.
What do you guys think?