Well, my birthdays coming up and it certainly isn't a happy one

[Cicero]

.......

[Rayquaza]

I kinda feel like I've been spiraling down the closer my birthday comes. I just think, I can't believe I'm turning 18. I just think of how much of a loser I am. I've never dated anyone, and I have 2 friends. Like when I went to a restaurant with just my dad and I, I looked around, and there were a lot of guys my age taking their girlfriends out to eat, yet here I am eating with my dad (not like its bad, but its like I have nothing better to do than eat with my dad). I have found myself asking myself this question "What have I done to show my age?"

Every week, at least, my mom says how she wants me out of her life and how she doesn't love me. Then she made fun of how I wanted to own a restaurant and be a chef, saying "How bout you get a real guys job and not a sissy job. Get real." Then, she always likes throwing in my face how bad my grades are.

What can I do to make me feel good about myself? Whenever I'm deeply hurt, I feel what I call a "heart of pain", I know it sounds dumb but it describes how I feel perfectly. So whenever I'm deeply hurt, I always feel an emotional pain in my chest, and it feels like it pumps throughout my body spreading the pain everywhere. Does anyone else experience this? What is this? Whenever I feel like this, I am most vulnerable to self harm.

Why are you spiraling out of control? You need to grab your locus of control back, because once you do become an adult, unfortunately no one can help you. You need to have things put straight and not distort them. Sort out why your mum is saying this. Does she seriously hate you? Or does she want you to be independent and not so reliable on her. Maybe because you've been so used to being spoon-fed for a long time you may need to tough up a bit more. I know it can be hard and a big change, but it's something that has to be done.

And who gives a shit if she says it's sissy. If you want to do it, do it. People in your life are going to talk shit to you, and the only thing you can do is to take it like a pinch of salt. Don't get heartbroken over it.

18 years old is not a big deal, just remember that average life expectancy is 80. Now think of all the stuff you've done in your life. That's not even a quarter yet, and you know you've done a lot. For the self-harm thing well, if you know you're planning on doing it, you know you wont. I should know. Self-harm is a serious issue and if you feel vulnerable you need to speak to someone soon.

As for your grades, well, there's nothing you can do to change them. If they're so bad, it's only your fault and not hers. Besides, you still have a connection with your dad, talk to him too, be lucky to have two parents, not one.

[Cicero]

......

[Rayquaza]

Ive always had to be independent. Ever since 3rd grade I'd have to make my own dinners, breakfasts, etc.

Also, my life expectancy is currently around 40-50 years old (cause of a disease I have). I don't know if she really hates me. All I hear is how much she dislikes me and wants me out of her life, she's even said it almost every day to me. Like when I'm sitting down and she gets mad at me, she goes up to me and has her fist like she's about to punch me. Then, sometimes she'll corner me and start punching my upper arm (she would punch one arm then the other with her other arm), she's also spit at me and threw water in my face, I'm also a little embarrased to say this, but she'll sometimes walk into the bathroom while I'm using it and hit me with her belt. (We have a jack and Jill type bathroom, so she has the key to lock it). She also blames me for her divorce she had when I was 12 years old, and lastly, she's hit me in the arm a couple of times with a wooden spoon. I've told some people I should report her. But I literally can't, she privdes me the medicine I need wi her insurance. So without her, I wouldn't get any medicine.

Just look on the bright side, at least this disease (what is it?) isn't like Parkinsons, or even Schizophrenia. You still have a lot to live. And you can always tell on your mother. You're a 17 year old being abused by your mother, and you can't stand up to her? That's awful, something has to be done. You wouldn't just let this happen to anyone else if you could see it in front of your own eyes, so why let it happen to you?

[Lonely teen]

Wow im sorry :( i sorta know how you feel but not to that extreme.... and hey if you want to be a chef be a chef its not a sissy job the make allot of money and they get to eat there work how many jobs can say that lol cheer up ive gone thru a bad heart break a month ago and im still in pain i wish i had her back but always look to the future :). Oh and if your worried about your grades find a tutor or some online tutorial game and good luck

[teen.jpg]

I agree with Rayquaza (serious nostalgia attack :P) and everything he said. If you really need someone, seek help.