Homophobic friend that is gay

[norcaldude18]

Okay so I need your opinion on what I should do. I'm gay myself, and since I went through the whole denial and acceptance thing, I have a pretty good idea when someone is gay. I am 100% sure that one of my friends is gay. He is very open about his sex life, even when I tell him I don't want to hear about it. He talks about not being able to get hard when he's with a girl and his ex girlfriend didn't make him horny. He's making up all these bull**** stories about why he's not able to perform. He also says it's the girls fault and not his. I'm not out yet, and the thing thats really annoying is that he's really homophobic. Whenever the group is together, he always talks about how being gay is the worst thing in the world and he would rather kill himself than be gay. I'm positive that he's just in denial and I just don't know what to do. I mentioned to one of my friends that I think he is and my friend told me I was crazy. I wouldn't have tried to out my friend if he were just in the closet and he wasn't hating on gay people all the time. I guess what I want to know is if I should let him continue doing what he is doing or talk to more people about what I think?

[naglfari]

I'd just tell him to stop being a homophobe. Unless you live in some super rural place I guess

[Gandalf]

If he's being homophobic, you need to talk to him and tell him that you find it offensive and wrong. If he is directly bullying somebody you should stand up, it is in my opinion the only honest thing to do. This doesn't mean outing yourself.
Your actions were well meaning, if ill informed. You can't change what happened.

I'd suggest that after speaking to him, you just leave things be. You can't change his viewpoint or actions, you need to decide if that is a person you can tolerate remaining in a friendship with him and then maybe some space for a few days will allow things to cool off?

It's upto you how you handle it, just remember to be civil and move forward with a positive attitude. -Don't stoop to his level. Homophobia is horrible and it's good you can see that.

[LouBerry]

This is a classic Psychology problem called Projection. In other words, he's frightened or anxious about admitting his attraction to men, and this causes him to project his feelings on others. More than likely, he'll figure it out on his own.

[dontfiguremeout]

I would ask him to please stop it politely and ask him why he does it. I wouldn't ask him if he was gay, because that can be extremely bad. Just stick with telling him to stop and why he does it, then go on from there.

[xmojox]

If you're gonna talk to anyone about it, talk to him. It wouldn't serve any purpose to out him. If he's your friend and he'd rather kill himself than be gay, maybe he really needs a friend.

[TurboDieselBandit]

If hes a close friend, I think it may greatly help him come to terms with himself if you at least let him know your gay. I know that would be a big step but sometimes people who lack courage need someone close to them to demonstrate it.

[paulw]

Maybe he just needs to hear someone disagree, and is looking for someone to tell him actually I think it's fine if youre gay.

I think even if you dont out yourself to him you could be doing a valuble thing. Beware it might be a very touchy subject tho so I wouldnt challenge him head on or say "why do you have a problem with gay people?" cos you would be forcing him to defend himself and it might get personal and make him more determined to stay like he is. You can just be like "I personally don't have a problem with it, I think its fine and people should be who they really are, it's fine with me" and share your point off view. You never know you might giving him a way to change.

[Jae Ostraes]

Maybe he just needs to hear someone disagree, and is looking for someone to tell him actually I think it's fine if youre gay.

I think even if you dont out yourself to him you could be doing a valuble thing. Beware it might be a very touchy subject tho so I wouldnt challenge him head on or say "why do you have a problem with gay people?" cos you would be forcing him to defend himself and it might get personal and make him more determined to stay like he is. You can just be like "I personally don't have a problem with it, I think its fine and people should be who they really are, it's fine with me" and share your point off view. You never know you might giving him a way to change.




i agree.

[DerBear]

If he is gay then quite often as a defense reaction they become quite homophobic. Its generally a mild thing that when they accept that they are gay they get over it. His logic is most likely "If I act homophobic then its less likely I'm gay". Its pure denial thing.

Mind you. He might not be gay and he's just homophobic which then their is nothing you can really do. Its gonna be his choice at the end of the day.

[Haydenn3]

Just talk about it to him tell him its ok maybe he is just scared and doesnt want anyone to know i had a friend who was in the same situation she just told him to trust her and he came clean to her then eventually came out to everyone

[steellord321]

I don't think u shuld put up with it just cuz he might be gay also. You have a right to not be disrespected. Tell him to cut that shit out. Then if he does u can get him to fess up or whatever. One step at a time.

[Twilly F. Sniper]

Tell him this (It is a quote from my least favorite book, the bible)
What is right is not always popular,
What is popular is not always right.
Romans
12:2